Emerging from your mother’s basement after six months, “I did it! I won my fantasy baseball league!” It begins to dawn on you that the world no longer looks as you remember it. Where there were once blossoming trees, there’s now decaying branches. Where flowers once sprouted, shriveled vines remained. A tumbleweed blows past. Minutes later, back in your mother’s basement, you’ve painted a face on the tumbleweed and you say to it, “Can you believe I won my league by two points?” After a brief pause, you say, “Do you think I should keep Royce Lewis in an 11-team keeper league with no restrictions? Mr. Tumbleweed, I’m asking you a question.” On a serious note, congrats to you on another great year, whether you won or not, you took a brief respite from everything around you and enjoyed yourself. Eff yeah! Here’s to enjoying ourselves, as I used to say in the shower in high school. Thank you for another great year without you we’re nothing. (Crazy that those trees were decaying and I still got some freakin’ sap!) Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Paul Skenes – 2 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1.96. Hearing the Pirates have shut Skenes down.
Trent Grisham – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer, as he played center for the Yankees. Makes you wonder if they would’ve gave Grisham 550 ABs in center if he could’ve hit 60 homers.
Luis Gil – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.50. With playoffs around the corner, did he not throw enough innings this year that he had to pitch into the 6th on Saturday? Are the Yankees silent partners in an elbow tendon manufacturer?
Kutter Crawford – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.36. I spent the weekend watching the Mr. McMahon documentary and, with that in mind, Kutter would’ve challenged Doink the Clown for worst worked matchup of the year.
Shane Baz – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.06. Solid comeback from injury and now firmly on radars for next year. Or as the kids say, Bazinga.
MacKenzie Gore – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.90. I am steer and Gore has roped me in for another year.
Luis Garcia Jr. – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer, hitting .282. His 2025 sleeper post is gonna write itself (thanks to ChatGPT).
Zack Wheeler – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.57. Starting later in the week I’ll be going over the positional recaps and Wheeler is the one steady in pitching and everyone else either got better or worse.
Rhett Lowder – 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 1.17. Um, guys and five lady readers, Lowder had a 1.17 ERA in 30 2/3 IP. Jakkers just gave you his Rhett Lowder fantasy.
Hunter Greene – 4 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.75. Can’t believe he was still pitching in meaningless games instead of resting. Maybe the Reds were trying to stretch out his elbow tendon so they could use it for their pickleball racket this offseason.
Justin Verlander – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.48. Wouldn’t be a bad way to end a career if he decides to retire, but I am struggling to remember the last great athlete who chose to retire and wasn’t forced out due to all teams finally saying they don’t want them anymore. Was it Jordan? But then he came back and that retirement was because he was Ippei’ing in Vegas.
Yoshinobu Yamamoto – 5 IP, 2 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.00. Sonovabench! Alas, even with my questionable management, I won my LABR league. If you click that link, you see the team I started with, and, not a ton changed (freakin’ hilarious I got Judge and he’s not my highest priced player). I coasted on my hitting and my pitching was good enough, as I said was my strategy going in. My biggest free agent pickup was Jurickson Profar, but his OF eligibility didn’t work for me, so I then dropped him a week later. Oops! Morel had 2B eligibility, so he went to MI and Bo Bichette went to…Do we know where he went? Last I heard it was Taiwan. Maybe he really is Boba Chette. Also, Rudy won his LABR league, as Razzball swept both leagues. Give us our props!
Shohei Ohtani – 1-for-4, and his 59th steal, as he hit .310. Lost out on the batting title and therefore the Triple Crown. See, he’s not that good.
Andrew Heaney – 4 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.28. Heaney heard you needed him for your final weekend matchup so he cackled then caca’d.
Jack Kochanowicz – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 3.99. He posted 2.78 ERA on his final nine outings, including eight Quality Starts. Will be free in all drafts next year.
Eduardo Rodriguez – 4 2/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 5.04. Wonder when he’ll start playing next year. June? July? Three weeks before the season ends like this year?
Tobias Myers – 4 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.00, as he was the guy I started instead of Yamamoto in that aforementioned league. Myers was an incredible pickup and to repeat myself again: Trust teams that develop their pitchers well. The Brewers are exceptionally good. And that’s me paraphrasing me!
Francisco Lindor – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (32) and double legs (28, 29). One of the most underrated guys that goes 30/30 every single year. “Hello! I almost went 40/40 and no one cares!” Shh, JoRam, I’m talking about Lindor.
David Peterson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 3 walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.90. Ya know what I’m thinking for starters next year, even if a guy’s peripherals are gross like Peterson, if they’re being drafted after 200 overall (as Peterson will be), then who cares about their peripherals as long as they’re healthy? My new “The Juice Is Worth the Squeeze” rule.
Luis Arraez – 1-for-3, 1 run and his 200th hit, as he hit .314. Secured his third straight batting title, and 1st player to do that on three different teams, which shows that no one hits for average and MLB teams don’t care or want that, throwing away a guy that hits .320 every year.
Ketel Marte – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 36th homer. He had the most homers for a 2nd baseman since 2011’s Uggla. He also had the most homers since Brady Anderson for Guy Who You Think Has 15-homer Power.
Eugenio Suarez – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 30th homer, hitting .256. If I would’ve ranked Eugenio in the top five in my 2nd half top 100, I would’ve been right and burned on a stake for being a witch.
Charlie Morton – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.19. So, if the Braves/Mets split their doubleheader today, they both get into the playoffs. If one sweeps they get in and the DBacks. For fantasy, the games should count since they’re regular season, and, if they do, I’d grab everyone if I needed anything. Need a run? Grab a player who might not even be starting. Need a K? Grab any pitcher.
Reynaldo Lopez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.00, as he was activated from the IL. How do the Braves get one insane starter each year out of nowhere? They have a Technicolored Shroud of Touki that they drape over one starter each year to give them superpowers.
Kerry Carpenter – 1-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 18th homer, hitting .284.
Hayden Birdsong – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 4.75. I don’t know if anything a pitcher does in the final start is enough to move the needle for next year, but 11 Ks in 4 1/3 IP is doing its best!
Brendan Donovan – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer, hitting .278. And y’all thought all BDon did was podcast.
Michael McGreevy – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.96 in 23 IP. McGreevy fashioned an excellent start out of coconut, beeswax and a love letter between Elliot Gould and Miss Piggy.
Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 0-for-2, hitting .323. He ended the year with 199 hits, which feels like it says all you need to know about him and the Jays.
Cal Raleigh – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 34th homer, hitting .220. Has 93 homers in his 1st four seasons, which is the most homers in that span, beating Mike Piazza. Also, he has 100 RBIs and 120 hits, which leaves us feeling like Cal is both the good and bad definition of ass.
Logan Gilbert – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.23 Would’ve been poetic if the A’s final game as Oakland was being no-hit, but Oakland poetry and life is Too Short.
Heston Kjerstad – 1-for-1 and his 4th homer, hitting .253. Why does it feel like there’s gonna be more landmines next year drafting O’s than Princess Di dodged?
Bailey Ober – 5 IP, 3 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.98. Fun fact! His full name is Bailey Season Ober.
