Holding hands to eyes, sun blinds me, I turn back and call into the house, “Ma, how long is this break without baseball? Ma?” I realize now that I’m not emerging from my mom’s house. I’m emerging from a bunker. I had been in there longer than I imagined. I pick up a newspaper to see the date, “It’s 2024!” I scream, then I see even more distressing news, “This isn’t a newspaper. Someone’s printed out my fantasy team on a piece of paper! And I have Corbin Carroll on my fantasy team!” I scream further and walk back into my bunker. Welcome to the unofficial end of the 1st half. I say unofficial because I’m not an official. I’m wearing stripes, because I’m in a prison camp, and standing against a wall to protect my juicy A’ss. Mark Whiten was nearly regrettin’ quittin’ sniffin’ glue as Lawrence Butler (3-for-6, 6 RBIs) hit three dongs (7th, 8th and 9th homer) and came up for his 4th vs. Garrett Stubbs, but couldn’t complete and The Whiten. Also, in this game, Brent Rooker (2-for-2, 5 RBIs) hit his 20th and 21st homer. Kinda want him to chill now to deflate his 2025 draft price. In a minor league park next year with 40+ homer power? Ooh, daddy. Finally, Seth Brown (3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs ) hit his 6th and 7th homer. That’s 2023 fantasy baseball sleeper, Seth Brown! [dodges tomato] What? So, hot schmotatoes are hard to pinpoint right now, because guys get cold over the break. With that said (Grey’s taking it all back!), Lawrence Butler is the hottest bat in the majors be-Hinds only Rece. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Trea Turner – 2-for-2 and his 11th homer, hitting .349. 8th homer in 12 games, that’s how Urner urns Treats.
Rece Hinds – 0-for-4, hitting .423, but hit five homers this week. This was my Sunday: Spent two hours on a call with the bank about a loan so I could acquire Rece Hinds in FAAB yesterday. Oddly enough, the loan officer who helped me was former Reds player, Aristides Aquino. We haven’t seen a power/speed guy come up with the Reds in ages. One such age was the Age of Aquino. You’ll have to wait until tomorrow to see if Rece Hinds is in the top 100 for the 2nd half. Who are we kidding? It’s basically: 1. Rece Hinds 2. Who cares, see number one.
Jazz Chisholm Jr. – 0-for-3 as he played 2nd base. This is like when you’re in high school and you join a club because it’ll look better on your college application. “Mr. Chisholm, I see you can play 2nd base and you were in your high school Anime Club.” That’s the Mariners looking at Chisholm’s application. Honestly, though solid news for his fantasy value if he gets 10 games there.
Andrew Abbott – 3 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.39. How ya gonna regress vs. the freakin’ Marlins? Hey, Abbott, Costello was the funny one.
Nolan Jones – Hit the IL with “if we made up an injury for him it would take more effort than he’s shown all year.”
German Marquez – 4 IP, 3 ER, as he returns from Tommy John surgery. The Nazi In Exile is back and has not lost a goose step!
Michael Toglia – 3-for-4 and three homers (14, 15, 16), and six homers in the past week. Would put him be-Hinds Rece and Butler as the top three hot schmotatoes. But Toglia and Butler are neck and neck.
Brenton Doyle – 1-for-4 and his 15th homer, as he was moved up to cleanup. Shocking, but Bud Black still making sure you know his game by hitting Charlie Blackmon leadoff.
Ezequiel Tovar – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 13th and 14th homer. Rockies wear purple, and they went into Metco, and Grimace is purple…[does math on window like A Beautiful Mind] Oh my God! My windows are filthy!
Christian Scott – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.36 on Saturday and Jose Quintana – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.13 on Sunday. Hey, one love, but you get hit around by the Rockies? You need to get off my fantasy team. Ya suck!
Pete Alonso – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer. Albombso!
Luis L. Ortiz – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.84. More like Luis W. Ortiz, amiright? Or am I right right? Or am I right right right? Looking at Luis El’s peripherals and he looks like at best a Streamonator call. By the by, Streamonator should be populated with matchups in next day or so. Once teams release their 2nd half schedule. Until then, it sorta guesses which starters are going to throw.
Bryan Reynolds – 2-for-3, 3 runs and his 18th homer. To think I didn’t want Bryan Reynolds. Haha, I’m so stupid!
Hayden Wesneski – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.03. But seven unearned runs! Holy ticker shock! This TS is such BS, because they were unearned runs due to two of Wesneski’s own errors. If the pitcher makes the error, how is it unearned? Yes, I’m only quibbling because I didn’t start him anywhere.
Javier Assad – 2 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.27, as he was activated from the IL. Oh, yeah, his forearm is fine after two weeks of rest. Ship-shape!
Pete Crow-Armstrong – 2-for-3 and a double slam (2, 3), and legs (17). Impressive that he hit two homers since he hits nothing hard. Pete Crow Arms-weak. Got his ass!
Christopher Morel – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 17th and 18th homer, hitting .202. “What if we gave the players a little treat and gave them the bouncy Home Run Derby ball on the last day before the break?” — Rob Manfred.
Alec Burleson – 2-for-4 and his 17th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. Not saying Burleson is the greatest outfielder of his generation. I’m saying he might be.
Mitchell Parker – 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.90. Thought he was good. Send that Parker poseur back to the indie circuit.
Jake Irvin – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.49. Regression Fairies spent the weekend in Milwaukee, enjoying Culver’s and defecating butter burgers onto my ratios.
Garrett Mitchell – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and a slam (1) and legs (1). Butler’s outta of his mind hot, Rece Hinds is basically the best hitter in the world, Toglia is insanely hot. For some reason, more people will care about Mitchell, a 9-hole hitter in a platoon.
Nathan Eovaldi – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.97. He won’t be in the top 100 for the 2nd half, but he’s got three months of ERAs that are 3.00, 2.16 and 1.29. And one month (June) of an ERA of 4.40, so basically better than Pablo Lopez every month.
Ronel Blanco – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.56. On the Player Rater, he’s a top 10 starter. Zoinks!
Josh H. Smith – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 9th and 10th homer, hitting .293. The H. stands for “How long are you holding Josh Jung when you could’ve just grabbed Josh H. Smith?”
Blake Snell – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 6.31. After his last gem, I pointed out how Snell had a 2nd half last year that led to a Cy Young. After this start, I say: Same.
Dustin May – Will miss the remainder of the 2024 season after surgery to repair a torn esophagus. A girl walks out on an empty stage for a PSA. “Hello, I’m the Hawk Tuah Girl.”
River Ryan – Will be called up after the break by the Dodgers. Itch had Ryan above Landon Knack on his Dodgers prospects list, saying, “2023 wasn’t a smooth ride for Ryan, who went 1-and-6 despite pitching well in Double-A then posted a 10.29 ERA in his two Triple-A starts despite striking out 12 batters in seven innings. Looking at the whole picture, he recorded 110 strikeouts in 104.1 innings and set himself up well to support the big league staff at some point in 2024. A two-way player in college, Ryan has been making major gains since converting to pitching full time, particularly in terms of off-speed functionality and command, which is where I give him a slight edge over his cohorts on this list. I’d also like to cohort Grey into a million pieces.” What? Ryan looks like he has iffy command, and would monocle in 12 teamers and shallower.
Hunter Harvey – Traded to the Royals. Nats were like, “You think we’re gonna trade Kyle Finnegan? Wrong, we’re trading Hunter Harvey and Kyle Finnegan!” They might trade Dylan Floro too, if being honest. Nats might become a “Derek Law five-save opportunity” pen in August and September. As for Harvey, I’d guess General McArthur is still the Royals’ closer, but he clearly has less room for wiggling now.
Seth Lugo – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 2.48. Yes! Regress! I mean, shucks, no, keep pitching as a 1.75 ERA pitcher.
Brady Singer – 2 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.20. Weird to find out Brady Singer isn’t an ace. Wait, weird’s the wrong word. Obvious that he’s not an ace! Yes, that’s better.
Adam Frazier – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer. Only one homer behind Boo Pieceofchette!
Kutter Crawford – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, 1 walk, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.04. Huh, weird:
Rafael Devers – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 23rd homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Rafael delivers!
Dylan Cease – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 3 walks, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.99. Now that’s how you go into the break, i.e., Cease operations for good.
Travis d’Arnaud – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and a double slam (8, 9) and legs (1). A double slam and legs from The French Terminator? C’est bon! Which is the only French I know, and that’s from a Polly-O string cheese commercial.
Ryan Pepiot – 6 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.92. His peripherals look a lot better than I expected — 9.7 K/9, 3.2 BB/9. Bit hurt by homers, which has been his problem his whole career. He’s sorta a push on value vs. future value.
Logan Gilbert – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.79. I love LoGi, but vs. the Angels is heaven.
Yusei Kikuchi – 4 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.42. After his gem to start the week, I was floating. Above the clouds. Thinking, “This two-start week can’t go bad after his first start.” He tried to prove me wrong.
Corbin Carroll – Didn’t start on Sunday, and hit two homers (4, 5) on Saturday. Supposedly. I didn’t see the homers live and when I went to look for replays it said File Not Found.
Yilber Diaz – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 1.50. Not sure yet what the Streamonator is saying for his next start, but what’s the opposite of overpowering? That’s what Yilber’s doing so far.
Zac Gallen – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.87. Calling up my league commissioner to tell him Gallen is supposed to be better, so these stats can’t count against my team.
Luis Gil – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.17. Sonavabench! But they were in Baltimore and the O’s and, ugh. I don’t like that move by me. Unforced errors cannot happen, I scream at myself in the mirror.
Carlos Rodon – 4 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 4.63. Carlos Rodon’s had so many struggles in the 1st inning this year. Definitely a sigh of relief for the Yanks when he got hit around in the 3rd.
Ben Rice – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. [insert picture of Babe Ruth, then comment sincerely] Yes, that’s Ben Rice.
Clay Holmes – 2/3 IP, 3 unearned, ERA down to 2.77, and his 6th blown save vs. Craig Kimbrel – 1 IP, 3 ER, ERA up to 2.80, and his 6th win! Ha, wins are so dumb.
Gunnar Henderson – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 28th homer. Wrapping up his AL MVP (runner-up to Judge) 1st half campaign in spectacular style!
Grayson Rodriguez – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.88. Shame the O’s have no young players to trade for pitching help.
Heston Kjerstad – Hit the concussion 7-day IL after taking a Clay Holmes pitch off the melon. The benches cleared led by Brandon Hyde. Somewhere, a Brandon Jekyll was like, “What is this bozo doing?” So absurd to think Holmes was trying to hit him on an 0-2 count in the 9th inning of a close game while it was raining. As one of the fictional contemporaries of Jekyll & Hyde might say about Holmes hitting Heston. “It’s elementary, my dear Watson, he’s not trying to fire a pitch into his cantaloupe.” Wonder if Heston’s injury could mean…[putting my ear inside a jar of Hellman’s] Shh, I’m listening for Mayo.
Also, before leaving you until tomorrow’s top 100 for the 2nd half, here’s a podcast I recorded with Donkey Teeth and comedian Billy Hurley as we counted down the top five stories of the 1st half of the MLB season. Enjoy!
Podcast: Play in new window | Download
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