Avoiding The Blurbstomp – Thank God It’s Fantasy

Last night I spied an incredible blurb that sent me into a near-catatonic state of entertain-related nostalgia-bliss.

The 26-year-old slugger missed Tuesday’s game due to a family matter and is still away from the club on Wednesday….

Source: Rotoworld

I can’t remember a blurb’s injury description come one letter within one of my favorite TGIF shows about the family of the cop from the first Die Hard movie, and how he was eventually institutionalized due to the behavior of their teenage neighbor, a stalker, multiple personality disorder sufferer, and flim-flam man who fancied himself an inventor. A blurb invoking the unholy Urkel invokes and inspires your author. How many blurbs can we link to our favorite 90’s television jams? Let’s find out.

The Phillies star has been out for a week, and they’re already expecting another baby by September. May his quiver remain full.

Kelenic will step back into the batter’s box on Saturday, one month after purposefully missing the steps into the dugout reacting to an error he committed. After breaking his hand last season in a fit of rage, and now this act of self-destruction, it’s hard to trust the former phenom except in the deepest of leagues.

Cole Tucker (Boy Meets World) has been released by the Los Angeles Angels

It’s likely Tucker will take some time with his own real-life Topanga Vanessa Hudgens and travel the globe, fulfilling the deathbed promise he made to his former neighbor and teacher Mr. Feeny. We wish him well on his journey.

Rodriguez was torn apart by a pack of grotesque, humanoid dinosaurs due to his poor performance for fantasy managers during the first half of the 2024 season. He was apparently going to the authorities to warn them of an impending meteor that would destroy the world as we know it, but the Dinosaurs did us a favor, as our fantasy leagues can take him off their Do Not Drop lists and we can pick up whichever outfield prospect is going to be called up to ride the bench, play maybe two out ten games, only to be sent down for more “seasoning” by a baseball organization that has the talent evaluation and strategic skills of a Dunkin/Baskin Robbins night manager.

Television was fun back then, because it helped us forget our problems. It was like Tiktok or Instagram, only we had no control over it, and it had less commercials back then.

To the blurbs!

A Blurbstomp Reminder

We will analyze player blurbs from a given evening, knowing that 1-2 writers are usually responsible for all the player write-ups posted within an hour of the game results. We will look at:

Boy Scout’s Flowery Diction Badge– examining how words create meaning, and sometimes destroy meaning altogether
Mathletics Participation Ribbon – Quantitative and Qualitative Oddities in a given blurb
Stephen A. Smith IMG_4346.jpeg Award – Given to the player blurb that promises the most and delivers the least.
Bob Nightengale Memorial Plaque – blurbs don’t always need to make sense, friendo
Max Scherzer Crown of Leaking Insane Rage – blurbs so angry at a player it’s uncomfortable

The hope is that by season’s end, we’ll all feel more confident about our player evaluations when it comes to the waiver wire. We will read blurbs and not be swayed by excessive superlatives, faulty injury reporting, and micro-hype. I will know that I have done my job when Grey posts, and there isn’t a single question about catchers in the comments section. Onward to Roto Wokeness!

Mathletics Participation Ribbon

Aaron Nola allowed three runs on four hits in six innings in a no-decision against the Padres.

Nola struck out six and walked just one on the day while posting just 11 whiffs on 51 swings for a 22 percent whiff rate and 24 percent CSW. The curve was the only pitch that really got swings-and-misses for Nola on Tuesday, but it was enough to stifle the Padres offense. He now has a 3.54 ERA on the season and gets a much easier start against the Tigers next week.

Source: Rotoworld

Certain players get the benefit of the doubt from most blurbists, and Nola is usually towards the top of that list. Despite having multiple seasons showing he’s more than capable of leaving a burning bag of dog poop on his own front door, his blurbs tend to highlight the positive and gloss over the negative in the most boring way possible.

Let’s be honest: This is a pretty normal blurb. I admit that I flagged this blurb for reasons that I no longer understand, and attempted to create a golem without knowing the ritual. I didn’t have any mud for the golem either. Alright, I’ll admit that I have a passing knowledge of golems gleaned from fantasy books, tabletop/video games, the noise that Smeagol makes, and that one episode of X-Files where there’s a mud golem and I think it had something to do with the Kaballah (maybe). I’ll admit that I based my reference entirely on said bottle episode of the X-Files because that’s what came to mind first.

I could research, but let’s keep the metaphor intact and lacking facts because if I’m going to pad a blog post in 2024, you bet your bumper cars I’m going to make your wasted time worth it.

Boy Scouts Flowery Diction Badge

Carlos Correa went 3-for-5 with two home runs, two runs scored, and 3 RBI against the Athletics on Sunday.

Correa continues his hot streak at the dish. The two home runs give him eight total on the season and his average is up to .306 with an .879 OPS. He’s been as good as a player can be in fantasy without stealing bases.

Source: Rotoworld

As good as a player can be in fantasy without stealing bases. Sure hope I can’t disprove this by looking up the top 30 hitters on the Player Rater…

Let’s see here, offensive players with zero steals ranked before Carlos Correa

7. Marcell Ozuna
50. Anthony Santander
56. Giancarlo Stanton
64. Salvador Perez
68. Will Smith
92. Correa

Maybe the correct interpretation is, “He’s been a good player in fantasy without stealing bases.” Hyperbole, the forever enemy of blurbs.

Bob Nightengale Memorial Plaque

Blue Jays recalled INF Orelvis Martinez from Triple-A Buffalo.

It unfortunately took an injury to Bo Bichette (calf) to happen, but Martinez is coming up for a chance to make his MLB debut in the coming days. The 22-year-old is the best hitting prospect in the Toronto system, and he’s socked 16 homers with an .866 OPS thus far for Triple-A Buffalo. He’s alsos truck out 65 times in 63 games, and swing-and-miss is going to likely be an issue. The power is great, but keep in mind that he might be a one-category player in the short term.

Source: Rotoworld

I have a lot of pithy things to write these days, but let’s keep it short: Only pitchers can be one-category players. Crappy mop-up guys who accumulate K’s while damaging your ratios and not contributing to Wins, Saves and/or Holds are the only example of a one-category player in fantasy baseball. If the author is positing that a home run occurs in real life and this fantasy game without contributing to the Runs, RBI, and Average category in a standard league, well, that sounds like an extremely weird and fun league. I’m imaging an offense-only league with two categories, bunts and homers. It’s not a great imagination session, and I seek your forgiveness. Thank you in advance.

Boy Scouts Flowery Diction Badge

Luis Severino was tagged for six runs in 6 1/3 innings by the Rangers on Tuesday.

Severino struck out one and gave up two homers, which is never a good ratio. His velocity was down a bit tonight, and he wound up with just five missed swings and a 17% CSW. As much twitter concern as there was about Severino after his season debut 2 1/2 months ago, this is probably his most discouraging outing of the season to date. We wouldn’t want to play him in his start against the Yankees next week.

Source: Rotoworld

A rare humblebrag bringing up Twitter and also categorizing normal human behavior as petty or wrongheaded. I deleted Twitter before the season started, so I do not understand the nature of this “concern.” Is the amount of concern quantified by the number of death threats the player receives in the replies of their pinned tweet? Did everyone post a GIF of Chuck Norris trying to look concerned, but there aren’t any due to him not being able to emote, so you pick one where he kind of squints and tries not to smile while not blinking and standing stock still?

On the subject of fantasy owner’s concern about a bad start from their pitcher: Duh. One has five days after each start to completely melt down about their ace(s) getting shelled on opening day, especially at the beginning of the season. Even if a pitcher has been dealing absolute filth (which is a good thing, no I will not type out “shoves,” but I just did so I lose) for a full month, like Woo in Seattle, he gives up more than two runs in four innings and I’m getting acid indigestion and trying to trade him for another broken player.

I know people like Twitter, and I don’t think I’m a better person for having deleted the app, but this blurb contains one of the main reasons I stay off that thing. Everything happens in a dramatic bubble, and opinions you disagree with made by either 9-year-olds or bot armies become out-sized Important Battles That Need To Be Won Definitively. This is why 2.5 months later we get a blurb referencing a common fantasy baseball trope framed as if it were Y2K mass hysteria.

Sometimes complaining about a player’s performance helps one to hold on through the tough times and watch it pay off, like my many shares of Mitch Keller. Other times, complaining about a player’s performance doesn’t work and the player continues to not hit for any power, and you end up writing a scenario in your bizarre weekly column wherein said player is drawn and quartered by the animatronic dinosaur cast of a doomed sitcom. As I said in the Razzball chat, “It’s fun that I drafted Julio the year that he decided to stay in the schoolyard.” That was funny. And then I wrote this very angry scenario that is getting increasingly violent, all without the help of Twitter.

Oh well!

See you next week!