Maybe I’m jhuvenile but Jhonkensy Noel has me jhonking my nose in laughter. Jhonkensy? I ain’t Jhonkensy ’round these parts since the tennis courts closed in 2018. Excuse me, sir, my Jhonda’s jhorn stopped Jhonkensy’ing, and I am a very aggressive driver so I really need my jhorn to Jhonkensy. So, the Guards called up Jhonkensy Noel (1-for-4), and jhit a jhomer in his 1st major league at-bat, jhust the 4th Cleveland player ever. Itch had jhim listed 2nd in jhis last prospects stash list. For the unfamiliar, Jhonkensy blasts jhomers. This year, it’s 18 HRs in 258 ABs, while jhitting .295. I have a soft spot for these big dudes that jhave big pop. I still send letters to Franmil. They return unanswered, but maybe one day. Not sure where Jhonkensy plays. Jhe’s a corner man, and they jhave those locked down. You can’t stop the jhuman incarnate of Jhonny Peralta and Pronk, though. Naylor seems to be dealing with some nagging injury, but says jhe’ll back in there today. Maybe Jhonk DHs instead of Fry? Not sure, I’m merely speculating. I jhope they play The Jhonorable Mr. Jhonkensy because I could use power. This better not be a jhoney trap! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Gunnar Henderson – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 26th homer. Snooze! Wake me when you’re renamed Jhonkey Henderson.
Cedric Mullins – 2-for-3 and his 8th homer, and 2nd homer in a week, and has five steals in June, while hitting near-.400 in the last week. Mullins has been on an absolutely jheater!
Grayson Rodriguez – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.72. Really only had issues with Jhonk and the Guards’ 3rd baseman. But no one can handle that guy! He’s a future HOFer–[intern whispers in ear]–Oh, it was Gabriel Arias playing 3rd who homered. I’m jhella confused!
Ryan O’Hearn – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer. Jo’hearn! All right, I’m done now.
Rowdy Tellez – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer. Pirates should sign Vogelbach, then they can be The Can’t Tellez Apart Crew. They used to be together in Milwaukee where they put together their breakdancing The Can’t Tellez Apart Crew. Breakdancing not as it’s usually known. They’d dance and break shizz, like floorboards.
Andrew McCutchen – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. When Tellez and McCutchen are beating you, Graham Ashcraft you is cooked.
Luis L. Ortiz – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.23. I googled Luis Ortiz to see his stats, and Google said, “Can you narrow that shizz down there’s like one-point-six million Luis Ortizes. There’s even a Luis Boytease who is a Belizean stripper who wears a diaper and sits on pies, is that who you meant?” So, Luis L. Ortiz has no strikeouts (that’s fine), no command (less fine) and I wouldn’t even touch him if the Streamonator was wearing a diaper sitting on a blueberry pie.
Spencer Turnbull – 3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 2.65, but left the game with shoulder soreness after 36 pitches, because I can’t have anything nice. Turnbull back and forth to the pen and he can’t stay healthy? Wild, weird, no way.
Brandon Marsh – 4-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 7th homer. He was a double and triple away from a cycle, and I’m a trade of Marsh to the Yankees away from seeing one of the greatest merkins ever.
Matt Vierling – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 10th homer, hitting .254. Seemed like one of those guys who was doing surprisingly well for the Player Rater, and the surprising thing is he is not.
Dallas Keuchel – 4 IP, 5 ER in his 1st start of the year. Keuchel going to the Brewers then starting immediately was like a Trading Places-type $1 bet between the Brewers’ manager and pitching coach, right? Someone said they couldn’t make him a MLB starter and someone said they could, right?
Jake Bauers – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 7th homer. I nearly picked up Bauers but I only had room for one guy. Haha, get it? Because his name is plural. Anyway.
Jackson Chourio – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 8th homer. Honestly, forgot he existed. What a crizzappy rookie year.
Ezequiel Duran – Optioned to the minors. Bad year to draft players based on how likely their name would also be used for an Amish baby.
Nathaniel Lowe – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. I know what you’re thinking, but he *only* has 200 at-bats. If he gets 4,600 at-bats this year I could see him challenging 70 homers.
Jonah Heim – 2-for-3 and his 7th homer. Hit ’em with the Heim!
Kyle Higashioka – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 6 RBIs and his 7th and 8th homer, and 2nd and 3rd homer in four games and 6th and 7th homer in June. You say Higashioka, I say hot schmotato, let’s call the whole thing off.
Dylan Cease – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.84. Watching him hit 98 on the speedball, then drop in a 72 MPH eff you is so fun. At one point, he got Millas (Ha, yeah, I know, 1st ballot HOFer) to swing and miss, I literally whooped.
DJ Herz – 3 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.48. Damn, this guy no one thought was good wasn’t good. Bummer. I’m being harsh, but Streamonator hates him, and I wouldn’t trust him vs. the Grimace All-Stars next time out.
David Festa – Will be called up to start today. This was speculated here after rumored elsewhere. Or was it rumored elsewhere and speculated here–Know what? Doesn’t matter! Here’s what I said yesterday, “His full name is David We’re Going To Party Karamu Festa. He also appeared in Itch’s last prospect stash list, where he said, “The command has arrived fashionably late to the party, but it’s here now and the place is popping. Over his last six starts, Festa has an elite 27.7 percent strikeout-minus-walk rate along with a 3.30 ERA and 1.10 WHIP. Minnesota is not messing around when it comes to toggling their major league roster this season. Festa is one of their five best starters. He’s probably not among their five most consistent, but his stuff is worthy unlike Grey show sucks.” Geez! Festa’s stuff is big like his wingspan. He’s 6’6? and weighs only slightly more than Triston McKenzie. For reals, he’s 6’6? and weighs 185 pounds. Says here your name is David Festa, but I will call you Ben Pole. He’s a Jersey boy, so one love. Any hoo! He sits mid-90’s, has a wipe-out slider, had a 13.1 K/9 and 3.6 BB/9 in Triple-A and if his command is clicking, he’s very interesting for all leagues, but mostly 15-team mixed and deeper.” And that’s me quoting me!
Simeon Woods Richardson – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.41. Not in any way related, except the same team, but, before you drop someone great, think about how you could just pick up SWR, who is doing fine, and don’t.
Willi Castro – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, 2nd homer in a week, and now will inexplicably be benched. Thanks, Baldelli!
J.P. France – To undergo shoulder surgery. I see London, I see France, and that’s just this small little section of this globe.
Spencer Arrighetti – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 5.68. There are two teams you must stream pitchers against every single time. The Marlins and Rockies in away games. Streamonator had this Arrighetti start at $40, and his next @TOR is -$30. Ha.
Luis Gil – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.05. Sigh. We almost had it all. Until regression ruined everything.
Aaron Judge – 2-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 30th homer. He’s great, you know that, so just let me quickly say you have to watch Perfect Wife on Hulu. Holy crap!
Francisco Alvarez – 3-for-3, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer. He could hit more homers than any other catcher the rest of the way.
Harrison Bader – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, and 2nd homer in the last two games. Schmotato? Sure. Also, sweet, sweet revenge. How dare the Yankees think they’re better with Juan Soto!
Sean Manaea – 5 IP, 7 baserunners (5 BBs), 3 Ks, ERA at 3.89. Manaea throws five freakin’ walks but Gil gives up runs! Ugh, stupid regression. Streamonator call for Manaea, and it sorta likes him a tad.
Tommy Edman – Reports said he sprained his ankle while rehabbing his wrist. Nuh-uh, don’t be man spraining me!
Matthew Liberatore – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.86. Welp, that’s the kinda start that has me looking deeper at him. So. Dot dot dot. He’s a Scorpio. Oh, and this was a spot start.
Jarred Kelenic – 6-for-9, 4 RBIs and a slam (8) and legs (3), hitting .282. Kinda wonder if Kelenic is like the opposite of Adell. Meaning the more pressure put on Kelenic, the more he blossoms. Ask more and he gives more. Ask less and he gives less. Prolly a nonsense narrative, but it feels that way and I’m nothing else if not filled with nonsense narratives.
Bryce Elder – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.76. This was a spot start, but if I were the Braves I’d consider him over Schwellenbach. What’s that? I have no say in the matter? Oh, fair enough.
Reynaldo Lopez – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.70. Would be so nice if regression never comes for him. Realistic? Lol, no, but nice? Yeah.
Hayden Birdsong – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER after his call-up. Hayden Penitentiary Birdsong broke out of the minors, but his command is an imaginary cage that follows him everywhere. This is sad poetry — sapoetry. Looked to see if the Giants’ rotation had room for a rookie, and they had three starters prior. Uh, yikes. Still, outside of NL-Only, I wouldn’t let the Birdsong sing on my teams.
Michael Conforto – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, and I’m reminded of comments on April 2nd when Conforto had three homers already and people were like, “Why can’t Judge be this good?”
Luis Matos – 2-for-3 and his 3rd homer, after being recalled last week for Carl’s Jr. Jr.’s injury. Sorry, we’ve moved onto Heliot already.
Seiya Suzuki – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer, hitting .263. May stunk, but Seiya was solid in April and June. Guess. Dot dot dot. Sorry about July?
Shohei Ohtani – 1-for-2, 2 runs and his 25th homer. He’s gonna hit 50 homers and .320, then pitch his 1st game of the season in the NLCS, striking out 12 in 7 IP (then the Dodgers are gonna lose the series to the Wild Card team, like, the 79-83 Cards).
Gavin Stone – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.76. Went to my favorite pizza place in LA last night, which means pizza with like salmon and shizz, and watched Stone’s start. Ump was giving a favorable zone, but he looks like the truth. Just dotting the corners with the good shizz like he’s Stringer Bell. Sure, the Sux suck, but I’m a big Stone fan. Start me up!
Valente Bellozo – 5 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 2 Ks, as he made his MLB debut for the Marlins after having a 5.66 ERA in Triple-A. Fun fact! Valente Bellozo was started by Perry Farrell as a three-day concert of opera singers in Turin, Italy.
Ryan Pepiot – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.40. Looks like a solid buy on paper, and passes the eye test with an A. Speaking of which, what did Fonzie’s horse get on a test? Ay! Keep it Highlights, it’s yours.
Andres Munoz – 0 IP, 1 ER, 2 walks, hit by pitch, ERA at 1.69, and had no idea where the ball was going. Munoz was slowed by a bad back, and now I’m slowed by hatred and this hissy fit I just threw. If Ryne Stanek is out there, it may be a good time to stash.
George Kirby – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.35. Watched his start yesterday, and he seems capable of passing a lie detector no matter how much he’s lying. Just steady, unfazed pitching. I kinda love him.
Cal Raleigh – 1-for-2, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer, 2nd homer in three games. He hit that back, back, back, back. And that was just him trying to get to his seat in a movie theater.
