Singing incredibly off-tune, “Oh honey, tramps like us! Baby, we were born to run!” Oh, sorry, I didn’t hear you walk in. I put on The Boss when I want clarity. It’s a Jersey thing, you may or may not understand. Born down in a dead man’s town! That’s Anaheim. A dead man’s town. It’s dusty and orangey and you end up like a dog that’s been beat too much when you try to understand how they never made the playoffs with Mike Trout and Shohei Ohtani. Leaving LA to a foreign land to go kill the Orange County man. The Angels know you can’t start a fire without a spark. Their 1st round draft pick is gonna go higher. Zach Neto before him, Nolan Schanuel before him, I’m calling for the Christian Moore rising. Come on up for the rising prospect! Come on up for the rising! Angels have been incredibly aggressive with prospects half as good as Neto and Schanuel, and Moore is actually a stud. He could’ve likely skipped the minors altogether. Everybody’s got a hungry heart for available waiver wire picks, and everybody got a hungry heart to win a fantasy league. I’ve already grabbed Christian Moore in one deeper league. Now, I had a friend who was a big baseball player back in high school, this is not Christian Moore. He was a big baseball player in college — 33 HRs, 4SBs, .384, 14% K%. He made Itch’s top 50 prospects post-draft update. Angels will be promoting him soon, because they hey hey hey come on, Angels, try a little. Nothing is forever. There’s got to be something better than Brandon Drury. Wait, that’s The Wallflowers. Meh, it works because Bruce covered it better than the original. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
SIKE! This post was released on Wednesday for Patreon members. It will be released all year early for Patreons, so if people are getting a jump on you, it’s because they paid the $10. Anyway, the Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell:
BUY
Joey Bart – [Bart shivering, freezing cold, when a giant hand removes Bart from Buster Posey’s shadow and into the gorgeous sun of Pittsburgh] Ahh…Much better.
Justin Turner – One thing is clear about Arenado, Springer and Turner’s collapses this year. I was right that their bats were slowing. I was only two, three and one year too early, respectively. Alas, Turner has been hot since the trade.
Ty France – Carrying an Eiffel Tower around Cincy with spaghetti on my head, “I’m a Ty France-head! Hey, stop eating from my head.”
Brandon Lowe – When they go Lowe, we go, “Oh crap, I should’ve went Lowe before them.”
Santiago Espinal – Fun fact! Santiago hablas Espinal.
Geraldo Perdomo – Half the challenge of being in on the schmotatoness is just riding the wave of which teams are hitting well. DBags got real hot after the break, and Perdomo has long been a guy who I low-key like because of his great contact, but also don’t like because he has very little power and speed. Imagine a young Adam Frazier. Call him Adam Frasier on Cheers.
Jeff McNeil – Almost exact polar opposite of Perdomo. An old Frazier. Call him Frasier On’Peacock.
Orlando Arcia – Imagining myself in the preseason if I knew Arcia would be hitting 5th behind Olson. [wavy lines] …I still don’t really care about Arcia…[wavy lines] That’s a wet blanket dream.
Ernie Clement – Weird week in schmotatoes. 7-day Player Rater is a yawnucopia of meh. Middle infidels are weak, corner infidels are better, let’s get moving.
Jonah Bride – Has been hitting third or cleanup every day, and no platooning. He looks kinda Quad-A-ish, but he does have some power and shouldn’t kill you in average. Looks kinda Ty France-ish. Call him Ty-goes-to-the-bridal-runner. Appropriately enough, I’m writing about Jonah Bride from under a chuppah.
Matt Chapman – If I were to type to highlight the hottest bat of the week as the lede, it would likely be Chapman, but also: He should’ve been rostered in more than 50% of leagues for the last few months, and at least the last few weeks. Highlighting guys who are rostered in 85% of leagues doesn’t move the needle. Live, learn, laugh.
Eugenio Suarez – He should be owned in less leagues than even Chapman. Suarez has been hot for a month. Snap out of your purple haze and grab him!
Zach Dezenzo – Here’s what Itch said, “A powerful right-handed hitter at 6’4” 220 lbs, Dezenzo moves well on the dirt for an infielder his size. He was a four-year starter at Ohio State who slugged .701 as a senior after slugging .732 with wooden bats in the MLB Draft League. This is a theme for Houston, who likes to see a little success sans aluminum and has reaped some middle-round rewards in the process. Dezenzo was a 12th round pick in 2022 and is already knocking at the majors after slashing .305/.383/.531 with 18 home runs and 22 steals in 94 games across two levels in 2023. Speaking of slashing, let me find Grey in a dark alley, please.” What? One thing that may or may not be accurate but feels accurate: Astros draft well and develop better. Zach Dezenzo was hitting .391 in Triple-A (only 11 games) and went 4/3 with a 18.9% K%. He’s a 3rd baseman, so I guess he could go to 1B at least half the time, if not just finally kill the Singleton Experiment, or DH like he did last night.
Wilyer Abreu – Full disclosure alert! I look at every player in this post’s stats. I don’t relay all of them, because that shizz is boring. You can click a player’s name and get transported to their player page if you want and see their stats. With that said, I looked at Abreu’s stats expecting to see a guy who I would ticket for a sleeper for next year, and I did not see that. Super boring stats. He has been hot though.
Joc Pederson – You have to platoon Pederson in and out of your lineup, but if you can, he’s solid. Plus, if you move Joc in and out of your UTIL. slot, you can say you have Joc itch. What fun!
Tommy Pham – He just needed to return to St. Louis for a little home cooking, and by ‘home cooking’ I mean holding his former fantasy football commissioner’s hand over a stove’s flame until he apologized for letting a lopsided trade through.
Mitch Haniger – Just had a very good chuckle. Went to look at Haniger’s stats, and got a little sidetracked by his prospect grades. He was a 60-grade speed guy? Ha, okay. I mean, yes, but also: No, no, no, c’mon.
Matt Wallner – The Twins hitters are all so alluring if you let Mr. Prorater whisper in your ear. “C’mon, Grey, you know you want to see what Wallner can do in a 162-game prorated season…” [wildly shaking my head while strapped to a hospital bed] No! Don’t tell me!
Michael Conforto – Tyler Fitzgerald is the hottest San Fran Giant, but Conforto isn’t far behind him on the 7-day Player Rater. The more you know…
Parker Meadows – Parker? I barely rode her! Meadows has solid power and speed, but might not hit .220.
Alex Call – From Meadows to Call, or if Carly Rae Jepsen is reading, Call Me Adows. If you need steals, Call Alex maybe.
Jake McCarthy – Hey, if it isn’t my 2023 sleeper, Jake McCarthy! Hello, 2023 sleeper, Jake McCarthy, say hello to your mother for me!
Yariel Rodriguez – This is a Streamonator call, like the call it makes to City Hall.
Luis Severino – This is also a Streamonator call. “So, even though we’ve fallen in love, you’re saying the state won’t let me marry a vacuum?”
Ben Joyce – Of two minds with Joyce getting Angels saves. He should, but does it hurt his long-term price? Then again, does Ron Washington actually listen to the front office for anything? Or better yet, does the Angels’ front office actually consider things like this? Okay, more like of four minds.
Daniel Hudson – Wanna good laugh? Dodgers spent $2.7 billion this offseason and don’t have a closer. I’d put Hudson in the lead for saves in LA, but it’s almost a four-way tie.
Calvin Faucher – He should lean into his last name similarities, and enter the 9th masked up, then, after every strikeout, mime getting vaxxed.
Justin Martinez – The DBags’ closer job is currently some combo of Martinez, Ginkel, Thompson and Puk. The MaGi TomPuk anime-sounding monster. And watch it just be Sewald again, though Martinez looks like an emerging fantastic closer.
Hunter Harvey – The Royals would’ve already won the division if they didn’t stick with McArthur for four months. Not true, but sounds it.
Yennier Cano – Orioles’ closer job is: How many runs do we allow these other schmohawks to give up before we call on Cano?
SELL
Adolis Garcia – Remember, this is no longer a “Sell.” Trading deadlines have past in most leagues. If your league has a late trading deadline, then by all means go to the Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer and do what you do. This is, how’sever, a drop not a sell. So, why call it a Sell still? “In this week’s Buy/Drop?” What is that nonsense? A buy/drop? C’mon. How about a buy/shut up! Any hoo! The swing-at-everything, fly-ball-hitting, wheeler-dealer profile doesn’t age well, and Adolis Garcia is its latest victim. Not entirely out in dynasty leagues, but he’s been stinky since May. My hope is lost.
Brice Turang – Standing at betting window, “Hey, I’d like to put $5 on ‘Speed doesn’t slump’ to cover. Thanks.” Two months later, damn it, Turang! That was my favorite five dollars! I was all the way in on Turang, but the last month has been nearly impossible to roster in any league. If you’re in a dynasty league, then I wouldn’t trade Turang for a bottle of Gavin Rossdale’s Glycerine, but I would go to our Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer and explore options.
