[rubbing the plush purple belly of Grimace for good luck] May my dreams that have not yet been realized — like becoming a billionaire and winning my fantasy league, not in that order — come true. “Hello, boys and five girls!” What the heck? You’re not Grimace! Are you freakin’ Barney? “That’s right, boys and five girls!” Get the heck outta here! You sicko freak! I want Grimace! [screaming at Barney] Imposter!!! So, one guy who touched the right teardrop-shaped purple monster was Mark Vientos (2-for-4) and his 8th and 9th homer. I keep saying this, but appizzarently I need to emphasize it more: Mark Vientos is not just hitting well for a Mets player. He’s hitting well. Period. Or periodt if a Zoomer is reading. He’s making great contact (21% strikeout rate) and taking walks (8% walk rate). Does it make total sense his contact in the majors is better than the minors? No, but why are you trying to rain on his, my and Grimace’s parade? Are you a wet blanket? He’s on pace for a 35/.280 season. Sustainable? As much as that Filet-o-Fish sandwich Grimace is eating, but figure out sustainability after he’s on your team! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Starling Marte – Hit the IL with old. Mets are saying it’ll be about a month to get him less old. Their corresponding move was bringing up Ben Gamel. That’s also the answer to, “Whatever happened to Ben Gamel?”
Brandon Nimmo – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer, and 2nd homer in two games, 3rd homer in four games, 4th homer in a week. Nimmo was lost but now he is found.
Harrison Bader – 2-for-4, 2 runs and a slam (5) and legs (11), hitting .272. Wonder if the Mets will ever move Bader to the top of the lineup so he doesn’t hit 9th. Might be more of a question for their co-pilot, Grimace.
Gerrit Cole – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 9.00. Cole might not know his ass from his elbow tonight as they will both be sore. He was throwing 92 MPH fastballs by the 4th inning. How long until the Tommy John surgery? July 1st? Wait until our country’s independence so the grill puns can come out at the same time as the cooked Cole?
Juan Soto – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 19th homer. Sexy Dr. Pepper hit that home run off a man, D. Peterson, but you can buy me love.
Aaron Judge – 2-for-3, 5 RBIs and his 29th homer, hitting .304. The fantasy team I have Judge on? Not doing so bad for offense! Though, I also have Ozuna, Tyler O’Neill and Josh Naylor. My highest priced player? Julio Rodriguez. Ha!
Nick Lodolo – Hit the IL with “it had been almost two weeks since his last injury, so he was due.” Reds called up…
Yosver Zulueta – 3 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 4 Ks. Personally, I love the sound Zuluetas make at soccer matches. I watched Zulueta in Spring Training (when he was on the Jays, who later DFA’d him) and was blown away by how nasty he was, while also coming to terms with neither he nor I had any idea where the ball was going. Looks like a reliever to me, but scouts chew tobacky and I don’t, so what do I know?
Christian Encarnacion-Strand – Underwent season-ending wrist surgery. Reds are low-key a bunch of Eloys.
Jonathan India – 2-for-2, 3 runs, 2 steals (7, 8), and 2nd game in a row hitting leadoff. Thank you, India. You oughta schknowtato.
Hunter Greene – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.79. He vomited on the mound — literally — then vomited on the mound — metaphorically.
Bryan Reynolds – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, 2nd homer in three games. Whoa whoa whoa, a hot streak? Whoa whoa whoa!
Rowdy Tellez – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 1st steal. I’m sorry, was he stealing while Greene was puking? Did they give him a 89-foot lead? Inquiring minds!
Jesse Winker – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .264, as he hits 3rd. He’s a top 80-ish player on the Player Rater. Sometimes boring pays off.
MacKenzie Gore – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.81. Yesterday was a bad day to quit sniffing glue.
Fernando Tatis Jr. – Expected to be out for six weeks. Maybe he could [wink, wink, nudge, nudge, kazoo] take some fertility drugs.
Manny Machado – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. Since I was on the page, he’s around top 150 on the Player Rater.
Jurickson Profar – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 11th homer, a grand slam, His dream season continues, but for how long can he stay. Dramatic sting. Asleep?
Mitch Spence – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.35. You ever think you streamed someone, look at all your teams then realize you didn’t? Maybe it’s just me. Was glad I hadn’t, but can’t be worse than Brayan Bello! Any hoo! Streamonator has him getting the Angels again, and I don’t mind it, tee be aitch, but only if desperate.
Mickey Moniak – 1-for-2, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer. Angels’ offense is like: Which recently DFA’d player did something?
Taylor Ward – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 14th homer, hitting .245, and his 2nd homer in as many games. He seemed to take about five weeks off, but Ward’s back, Beav.
Hayden Birdsong – Will start for the Giants on Wednesday. Is he related to Harvey Birdman? He’s a 99 MPH fastball thrower with zero command. The stuff reads as a reliever, but you put a Birdsong in the pen, and what does he sing? Is that Maya Angelou? It’s not, is it? I’d be careful about Birdsong outside of NL-Only.
Ranger Suarez – 6 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 2.01 vs. Tarik Skubal – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.32. This was the eventual AL Cy vs. the eventual NL Cy and you can call it AL.
Bryce Harper – 2-for-4 and his 20th homer. Dude has had so many kids this season!
Bryan Woo – Hit the IL with the same thing Lodolo has.
Luis Castillo – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.79. With ace pitchers like that who needs terrible pitchers. See, because you have aces to act as terrible pitchers. It was obvious or no?
Mitch Garver – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer, 2nd homer in as many games. Hot schmotato alert!
Ty France – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. A French fly! He’s not much of a power hitter, so don’t point out to anyone he has twice as many homers as Acuña.
Ben Rortvedt – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Working on the Buy column for Patreons today — y’all on Friday — and I noticed Rortvedt is very schmotatoey.
Isaac Paredes – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, and 2nd homer this month and been cold as a witch’s teat with dry ice in the cauldron.
Yandy Diaz – 1-for-5 and his 7th homer, and 3rd homer since last week when I meant to pick him up and didn’t and why am I so stupid?
Cole Irvin – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.74. See, that’s the kinda regression I can get behind. I’m a progressive thinker for proper regression.
Jose Ramirez – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 21st homer, 2nd homer in two days, 3rd homer in four games. JoJoRam vying to be the runner-up to Aaron Judge or Gunnar Henderson for AL MVP. [like security holding back fans] Let him vie! Let him vie!
Gunnar Henderson – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 25th homer, hitting .282. Also, in this game, James McCann (2-for-4, 3 RBIs) hit his 3rd homer; no one cares, then Colton Cowser (1-for-4) hit his 10th homer right after everyone dropped him for Kjerstad, who of course didn’t start, and Anthony Santander (1-for-5) hit his 21st, and they should turn him into Tanner Scott.
Dallas Keuchel – Traded to the Brewers. Five imaginary dollars says you can’t name the team he was traded from.
Joey Ortiz – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer, hitting .278, as he hits leadoff. Hard to get excited about a 14/12/.270 projected season, but it’s exactly the type to be very valuable in deeper leagues. Not as valuable as Brice Turang who is on pace for 50 steals, and is hitting .290, and was dropped to the 9-hole, but ya know managers do dumb shizz.
Chris Paddack – Hit the IL with arm fatigue. Twins knew there was an issue when his 89 MPH fastball was barely reaching 88.
David Festa – Rumored to take the Paddack rotation spot. His full name is David We’re Going To Party Karamu Festa. He also appeared in Itch’s last prospect stash list, where he said, “The command has arrived fashionably late to the party, but it’s here now and the place is popping. Over his last six starts, Festa has an elite 27.7 percent strikeout-minus-walk rate along with a 3.30 ERA and 1.10 WHIP. Minnesota is not messing around when it comes to toggling their major league roster this season. Festa is one of their five best starters. He’s probably not among their five most consistent, but his stuff is worthy unlike Grey show sucks.” Geez! Festa’s stuff is big like his wingspan. He’s 6’6″ and weighs only slightly more than Triston McKenzie. For reals, he’s 6’6″ and weighs 185 pounds. Says here your name is David Festa, but I will call you Ben Pole. He’s a Jersey boy, so one love. Any hoo! He sits mid-90’s, has a wipe-out slider, had a 13.1 K/9 and 3.6 BB/9 in Triple-A and if his command is clicking, he’s very interesting for all leagues, but mostly 15-team mixed and deeper.
Byron Buxton – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 6th homer. You mocked him as only being good when injured and now he’s homered in two straight games–Oh, crap, he’s about to get injured.
Ketel Marte – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 16th homer. Ya know what’s weird that only youse can appreciate it? Ketel seemed to only be a home run hitter in 2019, because of the juiced balls, but that doesn’t explain this year at all.
Brandon Pfaadt – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.45. Streamonator adores Pfaadt’s next and nomnomnom so do I.
Hunter Brown – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners (3 BBs), 7 Ks, ERA at 4.37, but in the last month he has an ERA of 1.16. Zoinks! As soon as I point that out, I will jinx him, so consider it pointed it out. I kid (kinda). Streamonator is barely positive on his next one, but can’t see how you can sit him now.
Justin Verlander – Astros said he’s making slower progress than usual. Verlander has become the “Danny Glover on the toilet in Lethal Weapon 2” of MLB pitchers.
Michael Toglia – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Schmotato, sure, but also how bleh is Hader now, huh? He’s so mid, as the kids say.
Andrew Benintendi – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. I almost picked up Benintendi because he’s been hot, but I also didn’t just have a lobotomy.
Shohei Ohtani – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 24th homer. Ohtani hitting leadoff kinda doesn’t matter, because the Dodgers will win anyway, but it is a little loony toony when you think about how many solo homers that’s gonna mean. “Who, handsome-faced ‘pert, would you hit leadoff,” you might ask me. Fair. I’d go Rojas. He’s a decent batting average guy, and hitting him 6th does nothing.
Bobby Miller – 2 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 6.75. Getting hit by the White Sux is actually funny. Painful. But it makes me laugh. Thank you for that chuckle.
Brayan Bello – 2 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 5.55. Less funny is being hit by the Jays. I don’t know why that is. Springer homered off Bello to try to get me to chuckle, but I just couldn’t. Red Sox giving Bello a contract, their worst starter? Okay, that’s a little bit funny. I’m cheering up. If you’re holding a 5.55 ERA Bello, are you better or worse than the Sawx? They are at least pot committed.
Rafael Devers – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 16th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Rafael delivers!
Tyler O’Neill – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer, hitting .262. It’s been all or nothing, depending on the week, but at least he has some weeks which are all.
Kevin Gausman – 6 IP, 3 ER, 1 unearned run, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.26. If you think him posting five Ks in six with four total runs in a blowout game is some kind of victory, well, it is but barely.
Bo Bichette – 0-for-4, 1 run as he was activated from the IL. Who cares. I mean, cool. But also: Who cares.
George Springer – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. Which Walking Dead episode was this most like?
