Hope everyone had a great 4th! And, if not, because of a fireworks mishap, I hope you had an appropriately-sized piece of a hot dog nearby to act as a tourniquet. For the 4th of July, I put on water wings, floated in my kiddie pool, got 3rd degree sunburns and drank Rolling Rocks while reading:
Then, after being properly horned up by the Hot Dog Lady, I watched Ian Happ (4-for-4, 6 RBIs) hit two homers (12, 13) and exclaimed, “Hot Dog Lady, you are not the only love for me!” Then Cougs walked in and asked why I was wearing a bikini of mustard. How was your July of 4th? Good? Great. So, Ian Happ is a top 100 player on the Player Rater, and still appearing in questions like, “Hey, Grey, handsome face, do you want Ian Happ or Schmohawk behind door number two?” Ian Happ gets no love. Today, Ian Happ gets love previously reserved for the Hot Dog Lady. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jameson Taillon – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.99. In short, regression will come for him. Hard to say when or in what capacity, but it will come and when it does it will be wearing a smiling face, carrying a scythe and wearing culottes.
Cristopher Sanchez – 4 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 2.96. Imagine regressing on the 4th of July. What kind of Commie crap you trying to pull?
Nick Castellanos – 2-for-4 and his 12th homer. Elias Sports Bureau said, “He has 14 HRs in Wrigley in 49 career games. He has zero homers in any other park.” Um, I’m not sure that’s right.
Joey Meneses – Optioned to the minors. He was living on borrowed time longer than Jimmy Carter.
Jake Irvin – 8 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.80. Wonder if there’s any studies (like this shizz is real) that have been done about pitchers in any game started prior to noon. Feels like they have the edge. Any hoo! Irvin, like Herz, and Gore and as I keep saying, the Nats look like they know what they’re doing with pitching. Well, besides Patrick Corbin, but they were dealt that losing hand. Irvin’s perfs say he’s at worst a number five fantasy starter.
Jose Quintana – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 4.22. Streamonator, sure, but also: Over his last four starts Jose Quintana’s ERA has dropped from 5.29 to 4.22.
Anthony Volpe – 0-for-4 as he was finally moved down the order after doing turds — not Snickers — in the public pool for a month-plus.
Ben Rice – 1-for-5 as he hit leadoff. Not to scream fire in the theater of Razzball, but a guy with catcher eligibility hitting leadoff in front of Soto and Judge? Um, yes, please.
Juan Soto – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer, and just missed home run number 22 when Will Benson robbed him. Just prior Michael Kay said Benson was a poor center fielder. More like Michael L.
Marcus Stroman – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.58. Didn’t see him screaming at Gleyber for allowing three homers. Hunh, weird.
Jonathan India – 3-for-5, 3 runs and his 6th homer, and will absolutely be in this afternoon’s Buy column, because he’s been hot like India.
Spencer Steer – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .239. A top 25 overall hitter in the 2nd half would be so welcome. Changing my fantasy team name to, “If you’re a top 25 overall hitter in the 2nd half, you’d already be home.”
Mike Trout – Ron Washington said Trout has been running on a treadmill and hitting off a tee. At the same time? Wow, this guy is great!
Lawrence Butler – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, because no one is actually picking him up.
JP Sears – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.74. Somehow the A’ss are behind the Angels in the standings, but I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m not sure why. Oh, the A’s aren’t good. Don’t get me wrong. It’s just the Angels are so bad. They’re starting Miguel Sano at 3rd now, while Rengifo is out with a sore wrist. Starting Sano and batting him cleanup. Your Anaheim Not Los Angeles Angels!
Matt Chapman – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, 3rd homer in a week. Look at Chapman hitting like it’s April (of 2023).
Heliot Ramos – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. Sonavabench! Can’t believe I started Bo Pieceofchette over him this week. Just incredible galaxy braining.
Charlie Morton – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.96. Kinda reminds me of Chris Bassitt. Very flaccid pitching. Limp notes rounded off by moments of ‘not good.’ Looks like he’s gotten old. But not in a good way like James Brolin. But in a bad way like Gary Busey.
Jonny DeLuca – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. DeLuca with the big night, and DeLuca’s with some of the best cold cuts. Mangia!
Brandon Lowe – 3-for-5, 3 runs and his 8th homer, 3rd homer in four games, and as the Rays’ announcer said yesterday: There may not be any hitter in the AL hotter than Lowe. A true hot schmotato. Stay blessed.
Zach Eflin – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.19. Aw, how cute, he doesn’t want to be traded. Too bad!
Bobby Witt Jr. – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer, and 2nd in three games. He’s great, so don’t take this the wrong way, but I saw he had his 9th caught stealing yesterday. That’s a lot. He only has 22 steals.
Christian Walker – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 21st and 22nd homer, and four homers in two games, five homers in three games, and is he trying to get traded to the Dodgers? Can he play 3rd?
Jared Jones – Hit the IL with a strained lat. That’s a latissimus dorsi muscle, so Jones is a dolphin. Weird way to find out.
Martin Perez – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.72 vs. Andre Pallante – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.00. Rob Manfred saw the Chicks Dig The Long Ball commercials in the 90s and heard, “What if there was no offense and every game was under two hours long?”
Bryan Reynolds – 1-for-4 and his 14th homer, hitting .273. Very exciting player. I have nothing but nice things to say.
Gunnar Henderson – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 27th homer. He’s doing so well after drafting him because I helped an old lady cross the road back in ’98. Should’ve been there putting in the work for the karma.
Jordan Westburg – 1-for-4 and his 14th homer, hitting .280. Damn, if only someone told you to draft Westburg–Wait, I wrote a Jordan Westburg sleeper. Ok, let’s move on.
Julio Rodriguez – 2-for-4, 2 runs and a slam (8) and legs (18). Drop him in the order every game, bro! It’s the only thing that works! Hit him 9th until he retires in 2041! Let’s go!
Max Scherzer – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.70. Wish all my starters seemed to just wake up and throw Quality Starts. Closest to Nolan Ryan playing today? Scherzer or Verlander?
Xander Bogaerts – Will begin a rehab assignment, and sounds likely back around the All-Star Break. Before you get all moogly-googly, Horwitz or Bogaerts? That’s the kind of comps I’d be looking at with him.
Jurickson Profar – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 12th homer, hitting .317. Still don’t fully buy it, but sometimes guys are great, then, after sucking you in for next year, they finally become the worst thing God ever spit up.
Michael King – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.51. There’s pitchers you roster that you like to watch and there’s guys like King that you roster and never, ever want to watch.
Kenta Maeda – 3 2/3 IP, 9 ER, ERA at 6.71. Maeda’s entire season has been like the fight between Apollo Creed and Ivan Drago. Throw the towel, man!
Colt Keith – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer, hitting .236. He hit .220 in June with two homers and one steal. Wow, so yawnstipating.
Ryan Jeffers – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 14th homer. Gonna end up with a 25-homer, .230 season and you’re gonna be like, “Why did I drop him?” Answering your Future Self, I don’t know, Grass Is Greener Syndrome?
Jose Miranda – 5-for-5, 4 runs, 3 RBIs, hitting .312. Of course he’s going to be in this afternoon’s Buy column, he’s one of the hottest schmotatoes in history (of the last two weeks).
Bailey Ober – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.12. As long as he’s not walking anyone, he is still right. Stay right, Bailey, stay right. Which sounds like someone telling a British person how to drive here.
Nick Pivetta – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.06. Streamonator was like, “It’s the Marlins! Hello! Of course he’s going to be great!” Thinking about just streaming pitchers vs. the Marlins the entire 2nd half.
Jesus Sanchez – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. Was a single short of the cycle. Do cycles count when you need the extra innings to get them? Things that make you go hmm…
Framber Valdez – 6 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.84 vs. Chris Bassitt – 5 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.43. Both of these guys are all name value and their peripherals are pretty gnarly. Framber a 7.1 K/9, um, yuck. Bassitt a 3.6 BB/9, which is a full walk per nine more than last year. Yeah, not great. Let’s continue!
Jeremy Pena – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 7th homer, 2nd homer in four games. Peña won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but he’s here now, so do what you do when you do it.
Paul DeJong – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer. Colonel Mustard with a sparkler in the flatbed of a Ford while wearing a red, white and blue sleeveless shirt!
Lenyn Sosa – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Lenyn with a home run on the 4th of July? Damn, you know Dems are in office.
Ben Lively – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.14. Dropped him the other day to grab Gavin Williams and that be gavin me an ulcer.
Steven Kwan – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. He’s officially the batting average leader and your All-Star left fielder and, with apologies to Jerry Maguire, the official ambassador of Kwan.
