Tarik Skubal (7 IP, 1 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 13 Ks, ERA at 2.37) pitched like the ace he is. This is not shortchanging that (which is what I say when I’m about to shortchange someone), but the Reds’ lineup is hilariously awful. They have a .150 hitter hitting 5th, .183 hitter in the six-hole, Austin Wynns hitting 7th, who would be a big winner at the Wynn is he could bet on himself being DFA’d, a .189-hitter hitting 8th and a .056 hitter hitting 9th. A hitter should be in quotes when you’re hitting .056. The 9-hole hitter’s name in the box score is B. Dunn, and he should B. Dunn with baseball. Any hoo! Tarik Skubal has a 10.8 K/9, 1.6 BB/9 and isn’t being terribly lucky to have a 2.37 ERA. When you are a neutral 2.37 ERA pitcher, there’s a case you’re the best in baseball. Put the best pitcher vs. that Reds’ lineup and it B. Funn for Skubal. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Parker Meadows – Stole his 4th bag in like one attempt and I was jacking up my FAAB bids on him like Tony Little jacks up an incline plate press, then I’d kiss my biceps after putting in the perfect bids, and now Meadows has a hamstring injury and I’m so flummoxed I’m doing a run-on sentence.
Gerrit Cole – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 6.75. Shows how un-Cole-like Cole was on Saturday that the guys who followed him from the pen shut the Sawx down pretty easily.
Ben Rice – 0-for-4 and three homers on Saturday (2, 3, 4). Uncle Ben’s Rice getting fluffed without a fork after that performance vs. the Red Sox.
Luis Gil – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.27. Someone is going to drop out of the All-Star game on the AL side, hopefully Luis Gil gets the alternate spot. Outside of a few spotty starts, Gil looked electric most of the year, like he was last night. Just straight filth (with no idea where the ball is going about 30% of the time).
Kutter Crawford – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.24. Kutter, Kutter, straight butter.
Rafael Devers – 3-for-4 and his 20th and 21st homer, hitting .293. If he called Yankee Stadium home, he might have 35 homers already. Though, then he wouldn’t have the chance to face Gerrit Cole.
Tyler Anderson – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.81. I wouldn’t wish regression on anyone. Except Tyler Anderson. That em-effer can regress! Streamonator says he gets the M’s next, which seems like a good time for him to get A) Picked up by my enemies. B) Regress badly! C) There’s no C.
Hayden Wesneski – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.67. Ya know what’s kinda funny in a not funny way? People be clamoring for Ben Brown, intrigued by Jordan Wicks, and Wesneski, the guy with zero stuff, is the guy who’s worth rostering.
Michael Busch – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .264. For what it’s Cronenworth, and it’s prolly Cronenworth a lot since you’re reading this, Busch looks fantastic under the hood. Like he’s breaking out. Five imaginary dollars says he’s a 2025 fantasy sleeper.
Hunter Brown – 6 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.48. Brown as in poop.
Josh Hader – 0 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 4.15. He’s fine, he just gives up a home run every third batter. No big deal.
Jose Miranda – 1-for-1 as he pinch hit. Had 12 hits in a row, ending with a 2-for-3 on Saturday. It was the first time that had been done in 72 years by Walt Dropo. I wonder if 72 years ago Dropo’s manager benched him the next game after he was 12 for his last 13 like Baldelli.
Carlos Correa – Left the game after being hit on the hand by his former team, the Astros. Cold world. Initial scans showed no fracture.
Simeon Woods Richardson – 6 IP, 2ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.48. If Twins’ roster was nine hitters and the rest all pitchers, they’d win more games. Sorry, still burning mad about Baldelli benching Miranda. Any hoo! SWR sounds like an R&B group, but his stats are not smooth — 7.4 K/9, 2.7 BB/9.
Kyle Harrison – 3 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.24, as he was activated from the IL. Not sure what’s going on with him, but hard to recommend him anywhere. What I can recommend is Tell Them You Love Me on Netflix. Yo, that shizz was crazy!
Michael Conforto – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .240. There’s a few guys that go zero to schmotato and Conforto is one.
Hunter Greene – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.45. His ERA is SHE on a calculator upside down. Don’t ask how I know this. (Inner monologue screaming, “BECAUSE YOU’RE A NERD!”) It’s not because I’m a nerd.
Taj Bradley – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.23. The Taj Bradley 2025 fantasy sleeper is going to write itself. “Sure, man.” That’s ChatGPT being sarcastic.
Zack Littell – 4 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.44. Aw, he’s trying to stay on the Rays. How cute.
Jose Caballero – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, 2nd homer in his last five games. Italics because it’s been about nine days for him to get five games. Can I pay for a trip for Kevin Cash and Rocco Baldelli to the Bermuda Triangle?
Jonah Heim – 4-for-5, 2 runs and his 8th homer, hitting .247. Do you want Rice or Heim? Heim or Rice? Reim or Hice? Catcher Questions Robot 3000 overheating! Help!
Nathan Eovaldi – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.10. Eovaldi gets no respect, and don’t want to perpetuate more disrespect but he does tend to tire in the 2nd half.
Jared Jones – Pirates are saying he’s weeks away, not days, due to his lat sprain. May as well put “lat sprain” in quotes, because this is just the Pirates throttling innings. Kinda like how Skenes was practicing his bunting this year in the minors.
Bailey Falter – Hit the IL with left posterior arm discomfort. Brent Honeywell will take his spot on the roster. I love his hams, not so much his pitching.
Aroldis Chapman – 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 4.13, and his 3rd blown save. Hey, can we put an APB out for Bednar?
Luis L. Ortiz – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.95 vs. Sean Manaea – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.43. Mean’s while, I’m starting Freddy Peralta and pulling my luscious, beautiful, thick hair out.
Yariel Rodriguez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.68. Nice two-start week I just nomnomnom’d from Yariel. Was an incredibly easy call. Streamonator loved it, what was not to like? With that said, I’m not all the way there yet and his next matchup seems too tough for now. I can get there for him, but his command needs to sharpen.
Jose Berrios – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.76. Thank you for showing me the impossible was possible by giving up that many runs to the M’s. They said no one could allow a homer and a walk to Victor Robles, but you did it, Berrios!
Mitch Garver – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer, 2nd homer in four games. Was thinking, “How did the Mariners score so many runs yesterday?” But I see now, JRod was out of the lineup.
Julio Rodriguez – Went for an MRI on his quad and it showed no structural damage. His hitting has done structural damage to my team, though. Rest up if it means you return with more power than Dylan Moore.
Edward Cabrera – 3 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 6.84 as he was activated from the IL. I grabbed him for this start, because I’m an incredibly dumb moth attracted to upside. Do as I say and not as I do and take an Uber, leave the EdCab alone.
Jonathan Cannon – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners (4 BBs), 3 Ks, ERA at 4.20. Walking four Marlins seems statistically impossible, but Cannon did it — wink, wink, nudge, nudge, kazoo — be careful.
Michael Kopech – 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.45. He’s getting more runway than a plus-sized model and he can’t make it work.
Danny Mendick – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and slam (3) and legs (6). Fun fact! Mendick is not what you should loudly exclaim in any stadium’s men’s room.
Jake Burger – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer, 2nd homer in six games, hitting .216. Maybe because they’re related but Burger really only recognizes meatballs.
Brady Singer – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.93. It’s kinda comical how horseshizz the Rockies are even in Coors.
Bobby Witt Jr. – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer. Also, in this game, MJ Melendez (1-for-4) hit his 9th and Maikel Garcia (2-for-3, 3 RBIs) hit his 6th homer. Someone needs to euthanize the Rockies.
Victor Vodnik – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.91, and his 1st save on Saturday. Fun fact! Victor Vodnik is one of MF DOOM’s best side projects!
Ranger Suarez – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 2.58. Eff you, Regression Fairies! I hate you and your Dua Lipa concert tees.
Reynaldo Lopez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.71. If he can stave off regression, I’m cackling at him winning the NL Cy. Imagine the Braves fan who bet Strider or Fried to win the Cy, and seeing this. Now, I’m howling.
Jarred Kelenic – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and a slam (10) and legs (4), hitting .272, hitting near-.320 as a leadoff hitter. Sincere blurbing: How cool is it that Kelenic is coming into his own?
Matt Olson – 1-for-4 and his 13th homer. More sincere posting: Thank God, I drafted Olson, Corbin Carroll and Adbert Alzolay all on the same team. My Tout Wars team was cursed from the jump. Actually, worked out well that all my misses were on the same team.
Eli White – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 1st homer. Fun fact! Eli White is the whitest name anyone’s ever had. He eats Wonder Bread and listens to Yacht Rock.
Adam Duvall – 3-for-4 and his 7th homer. Can’t emphasis enough he’s done crizzap for the whole season, but he is the type to get smoldering hot in a snap.
Cade Povich – 1 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 6.51. Appreciate Povich putting Anthony Santander (2-for-5, 2 runs, hit his 23rd homer on Sunday) on the market for another arm. In all seriousness, maybe they trade Kjerstad, Mayo or (insert one of their 15 prospects).
Heston Kjerstad – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Give my man outfield eligibility already so I can play him!
Lance Lynn – 2 2/3 IP, 10 ER, ERA at 4.48. I was the Antonio Banderas GIF thinking how MacKenzie Gore, the opposing pitcher in this game, just cruised out to the Ivictory Coast for a free night at the W. Coasted easily from Justthrowstrikesistan to Ivictory. A smooth sail out. Could take a paddle boat the sea is so calm! What on the eff-n-earth was a 3 1/3 IP, 5 ER from Gore?!
Willson Contreras – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (9) and legs (3). Nearly called him William Contreras. “Will.I.Am Willson.” That’s the volleyball in Castaway listening to Black Eyed Peas.
Nick Senzel – Designated for assignment. His assignment is regain the promise of big things while being injured.
DJ Herz – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.17. [balloon deflates, zooms around the room, smacks me in the forehead] That Herz.
Yilber Diaz – Called up to start today by the DBacks. Here’s what Itch said previously, “At six-foot even and 190 lbs, Yilber Diaz features a riding fastball that dominates atop the zone and a nasty curveball that tunnels well with the cheese. Unlike Ben Williamson and Jake Bloss, Diaz is Rule 5 eligible this winter, which means he’ll have to be added to the 40-man roster before then anyway. In the past, teams might look at a guy like this and print his ticket for the bullpen. And maybe that’s how the team will deploy Diaz down the stretch this season. I think he’s got the best stuff of their rotating back-end starters and could grab that gig if given the chance. Trouble is, his command comes and goes, and Double-A hitters don’t punish pitchers for that the way a major league lineup might. Or I might punish Grey with my fists.” C’mon! Yilber, or to you old folks, call him Mr. Ed Diaz, which fits since he looks like a bullpen guy, and I wouldn’t touch him in mixed leagues yet, but worth a monocle.
Brandon Pfaadt – 4 1/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 4.19. Expected to make his next start, after taking a comebacker off his ankle. It hit the Pfaadt part. Streamonator likes his next one, and I could see it.
Corbin Carroll – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer, hitting .210. “Hey do you mind if I borrow his body so I can drive in the carpool lane–Hold up! Carroll moved! He’s alive!”
Jurickson Profar – 1-for-2 and his 14th homer. Okay, now regress! (He’s never regressing, is he?)
Dylan Cease – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.21. For some reason he seems to pitch to the score, if the goal is to lose.
Max Muncy – Shut down from swinging a bat, because his oblique is not healing. Unsubstantiated rumors abound that he’s disappeared to start a new team with Eduardo Rodriguez.
Chris Taylor – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .156. That’s in 53 games played! .156 average! Emoji that’s slowly shaking its head walking off a cliff.
Christian Yelich – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer. She said she don’t believe in God, but her outfielder is Christian.
Freddy Peralta – 4 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.95. The TV show The Bear sucks. I hate it so much! People standing around sniffing their own farts! And it’s slightly better than FreddyKBB.
Colten Brewer – Hit the IL after fracturing his hand from punching the wall. Listen, I wouldn’t consider myself a Pink Floyd fan either, but calm down.
