“There is ample evidence that the public is getting a wee bit tired of all these ‘pitchers duels’,” wrote The Washington Post’s Bob Addie in late-1968. So after the season, MLB officials lowered the mound to 10 inches and shrank the strike zone to its modern size. Cool, after this year, let’s lower the mound to below ground, so all you see is the pitcher’s head and the ball when he throws it. Sorry, side-armers, but you’re throwing into the pitchers’ hole. Then shrink the strike zone to the size of one baseball. If it’s not exactly “a meatball” then we have to call it a ball. It’s time these drastic measures were taken. Exhibit A: Reynaldo Lopez (6 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, 1 walk, 8 Ks, ERA at 1.69) leads all pitchers in ERA with 1.69. Sixty-nine is foxy, one-sixty-nine is an oxymoron, one-sixty-nine as an ERA is disgusting. Every year the Braves do create one starter who is inexplicably good. It’s Teheran’s Law, so there is some history here for exceeding expectations. Lopez’s peripherals: 9.1 K/9, 2.9 BB/9 are shrug-worthy that don’t back up his nutty ERA. Yes, a Sell High is in order, but who is giving you anything remotely close to how valuable he’s been. Just have to hope he keeps it up, until the pitcher’s mound becomes a five-and-half-foot hole. “Oh no! We just lost Altuve in the pitcher’s hole!” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Ozzie Albies – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI. And you told me he retired! Haha, very funny!
Cole Irvin – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.03. Well, I’ve been streaming against the Braves — never thought I’d say that in the preseason — and it finally bit me in the ass a little bit. It took a nibble on the tuchus. For what it’s Cronenworth, Streamonator hates Irvin’s next, and I don’t disagree.
Alec Marsh – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.63. He throws a fastball 37% of the time and it has a .221 BAA; his curve is 16% of the time and a .158 BAA; his change 12% and .185; his sweeper .167 BAA, but only 3%. In other words, stop throwing your freakin’ sinker that’s 13% of the time and a .389 BAA! Is this that hard to understand? Marsh’s incredibly bleh stuff have been very useful, if he avoids that stupid sinker that’s sinking him. And not a good sink, like the new pitcher’s hole!
Clay Holmes – 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 1.80, and his 4th blown save. Dang, Holmes! That shizz supposed to be elementary!
Nestor Cortes – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.59. What’s kinda funny in a not-funny-at-all way, Nestor looks nearly identical to Alec Marsh. Guess only big difference is Nestor’s track record is a bit longer.
Anthony Rizzo – 1-for-3 and his 8th homer, and 1st homer in 14 and a half months (I think, feels like it). HR to the Izzo!
Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. Having Au Shizz right after HR to the Izzo points out an issue. When big hitters are going well, I use shorthand with their blurbs, because there’s nothing to say. When big hitters get to the point in their career when they are likely droppable in most shallower leagues? They’re not really big hitters anymore. Anyway: Au Shizz!
Brendan Donovan – 1-for-3 and his 5th homer. I wonder if this BDon also hates Bo Bichette. Alas, this BDon has an eight-game hitting streak, so might be a light schmotato.
Nolan Arenado – 0-for-4, after being hit by pitch. Hand just has a bruise, after x-rays came back negative. Leaving Cards without an excuse for why he sucks so bad.
Tanner Houck – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.08. Houck was on the ropes yesterday, looked like he was about to get hit hard. But the only ones who hit Houck are The Iron Sheik (RIP), Cyndi Lauper or Bubba the Love Sponge. An illustrious group!
Tyler O’Neill – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer. “Love that,” he whispered, knowing if he exclaimed it, it would frighten Tyler O’Neill and he would hurt himself.
Aaron Nola – 3 2/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 3.48. Nola found one worst place for his stuff than Coors, the good ol’ Green Monster. 270-foot fly balls become doubles real fast there.
Justin Steele – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.22. Good thing about writing this shizz every day is I can quickly go back to what I said previously. After he got clobbered on May 11th, I said his mechanics seemed off and to bench him until he looked better. He looked better next time out and I said buy low because he looked a lot like his previous year when he was in the running for the Cy. He’s now gone from a 5.68 ERA to a 3.22 ERA.
Mark Leiter Jr. – 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.44. Hector Neris is a ticking time bomb under the table that the the audience knows about, but the people sitting at the table don’t, and Counsell is sitting at the table. Mark Leiter Jr. is the blow up no one expected.
Taj Bradley – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 4.23. Surprised he stayed in the game as long as he did (104 pitches), but I said after his last start that his peripherals look like he should be much better, and would ya look at that!
Christian Walker – 2-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 14th and 15th homer, and 2nd and 3rd homer in as many games. Onward Christian Walker!
Joc Pederson – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 8th homer. Yeah, he’s a platoon bat– so, anyone see Corbin Carroll recently? I have a turd in a box I need to send him. Got sent back to me, saying whereabouts unknown.
Brandon Pfaadt – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at–Guess. Go ahead. He’s been good, you know what. Everyone has crazy low ERAs. So, what’s Pfaadt’s? C’mon, within a half run…Bzzt, wrongo! 4.38. Would’ve guessed more than a run lower.
Luis Robert Jr. – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer, and 2nd homer in two games, 3rd homer in four games, 4th homers in–Well, you know the deal. He’s only played like two weeks this year. Put him and Royce Lewis in bubbles!
Andrew Vaughn – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, and, like, 18th homer this week. Yes, he will absolutely be in this afternoon’s Buy column, he’s one of the hottest bats in baseball.
Garrett Crochet – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 13 Ks, ERA at 3.16. I’ll be honest, I goofed with Crochet. Didn’t think he was worth the headache of playing for the White Sux, but he’s been roughly a top ten starter this year, even with the lack of run support.
Julio Rodriguez – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer. Didn’t see it, but was it a pop-up to third and it doinked off Mendick’s head (sorry, ladies) and bounced 300 feet out of the stadium?
Tyler Locklear – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. He’s Ty France 2.0. Call him Tyler. Oh, wait.
Andy Pages – 2-for-4 and his 7th homer. He had two homers since May 4th, so the powers cooled, but he is hitting near-.375 in the month of June. Was hitting .225 overall on May 28th, now he’s hitting .270. To everything turn, turn, turn, Pages.
Michael Lorenzen – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.86. Oh, okay, time to look a little bit closer, better pop a mint Lorenzenage….and his numbers are terrible. Besides his ERA, obviously.
Luis Severino – 6 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.12. The Marlins vs. the Mets was like one of those great championship bouts, but not right before the fight or during the fight, but immediately after when each fighter was in their dressing room, bloodied and exhausted, questioning their life choices. Why did they take up the sport of baseball, Otto Lopez might’ve asked. Was this game worth abstinence beforehand, Jeff McNeil might ask. Tim Anderson might’ve asked, was this game worth abstinence with multiple women who were not his wife. Streamonator loved this Severino start, and of course it did. I’d stream anyone vs. the Marlins or the Mets. Well, everyone but Roddery Munoz.
Edwin Diaz – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 5.14 as he was activated from the IL. “What am I gonna do with this Diekman?” That’s me looking at my fantasy team, but saying it out loud in Hamburger Mary’s in West Hollywood and getting some looks.
J.D. Martinez – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. This was his first career walk-off homer. Hard to believe. Harder to believe it was off my beautiful boy, Tanner Scott (1/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 1.93). Been fun owning Clay Holmes and Tanner Scott in leagues this year; last night was not fun.
Roddery Munoz – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.56. Mets were being no-hit by Roddery Munoz and I was like, “Who is Roddery Munoz?” A question as old as time. Sorry, I’m using Siri to type this up. I said, a question not worth your time.
Jake Burger – 1-for-3 and his 6th homer. Marlins ruin all sneaky value for hitters, huh? Not to answer but just agree and move on.
Jazz Chisholm Jr. – 2-for-4 and a slam (10) and legs (13), hitting .254. There was someone saying the other day that Jazz was one of the most overrated players. He’s not. He’s just a little bit boring mixed with flashes of excitement.
Tyler Soderstrom – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, and 3rd homer in four games. And 2nd time this week saying he’s a hot schmotato after one time saying he made fizzy drinks with his head.
Alex Kirilloff – Optioned to the minors. Twins should platoon all their hitters in Triple-A, so they can get used to hitting once every third game in the majors, and being replaced after every pitching change. Maybe that’s why the Twins haven’t developed a hitting prospect in ten years. Speaking of which, they brought up Austin Martin (2-for-4, 1 RBI). That’s right: Austin Martin graduates! Austin Martin graduates! He’s an interesting Twins prospect, so he’ll face only lefties when Manuel Margot is platooned out. Only really worthwhile thing from Martin for now is his speed — 30-steal speed. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, because: Baldelli.
Carlos Correa – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .299. One of the hottest hitters in the majors right now. Not gonna say schmotato, because that means a guy is available, which I don’t think Correa is. Also, why he won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but he is hot.
Joe Ryan – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.24. Was around this time last year when he went to total shizz. I’m putting it out there to confront my fears and let him know he can do better. I’m a freakin’ life coach! Something all life coaches yell.
Casey Mize – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.43. Hard to put into words how yawnstipating he is. Just barely startable in deeper leagues. His fastball/sinker didn’t generate any whiffs for the 2nd start in a row, dating back to 97 fastball/sinkers thrown. Be a Mize’r, as in be stingy with where you start Mize.
Justyn-Henry Malloy – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Think if you’re going with a hyphenated first name you need to write out a reason, that’s at least 1250 words long. Explain why you need two first names. If you can satisfy why, then fine. Any hoo! Malloy’s got power, but can’t seem to hit for average yet in the MLB and that’s Torkelson in disguise, right?
Patrick Corbin – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.84. As his six-year, $140 million contract winds down this year, I’d think the 34-year-old is going to find it hard to find other deals. Except for the Rockies. What’s that? One more 6-year, $140 million deal to play for the Rox? Oh hell yeah! In 2030, I wanna see a 40-year-old Corbin fielding a grounder and throwing over to Kris Bryant, keeping the score at 12-0 in the 1st inning.
