To quote one of the great poets of our time, as Pitbull said, “Hello, my name is not Mr. Right…” Something-something for a few lines then, “…But Imma be your Mr. Right Now. Right now, right now, right now….” Mr. Bull is exactly right (now). All that is right for, uh, now in fantasy baseball is right now. If you’re wondering about what a guy did in August or what he can do in another two weeks, you are doing mental gymnastics that need not be done. You are not Simone Biles of the brain. Stop and think about Mr. Bull, you just need Mr. Right Now, which brings me to: Nolan Schanuel. When I look at Schanuel, I see a guy who might end the year with less than 15 homers, while hitting .250. Friends and those of you who secretly despise me but no one else does fantasy baseball deep into September, that sucks. A MLB 1st baseman who started nearly every day putting up those numbers should be–Well, maybe he shouldn’t have skipped literally the entire “Minor League experience.” With all that said, Nolan Schanuel has been a top 20 hitter in the last week, and is stealing a bunch of bases, and gets the White Sox garbage pitching once more before we wrap this shebang. And since we started this with one Latin singer, let’s end it with another and think about how funny it is that Ricky Martin did a song called She Bangs. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Psyche! If you or anyone you know has breathed in a coal oven, you might be eligible for compensation by way of the best pizza anyone’s ever–Wait, that’s not right. Oh, right: Fantasy Hockey kicked off! Fantasy Basketball is spiraling out of control (in a good way) with the RazzJam signups and every week we have multiple people giving you Fantasy Football Rankings. Finally, this post was released early on Patreon, as will the 2025 rankings after I, uh, write them. Anyway II, the Buy/Sell:
BUY
Hunter Goodman – What a buy what a buy what a mighty Goodman…Mostly when in Coors, but I don’t hate the flyer in away games either for power.
Michael Busch – Think his good stats from the previous week were mostly predicated on Busch in Coors (canned laughter), but, in case they’re not, grab him. But, Part II: That But Won’t Quit, he faces a bunch of lefties, which is kinda meh.
Nick Yorke – Just gave you my Nick Yorke fantasy. It was written while on a stationary bike.
Brendan Donovan – Not even sure he’s going to play, because Oli Marmol has little marbles going bing-bong in his melon, but Donovan has been hot.
Isiah Kiner-Falefa – Israeli Diner Falafel hasn’t been hot, which is usually what you get in this post, but because I want you all to win your matchups, I went to the Hitter-Tron and grabbed a top available guy. The Hitter-Tron added, “I like to touch toasters when they’re hot.” Um, okay.
Davis Schneider – Joked the other day that Davis was just a September hitter — last year and this — but, yeah, that’s wrong. He wasn’t good last September. He was good last August. Tomato-tomato said with an affected pronunciation? P to the erhaps, but I think it says more that he gets smoking hot — hello, handsome, nice mustache — for short periods of time, and currently is hot.
Luisangel Acuña – Just gave you my Luisangel Acuña fantasy. It was written while texting that I am “shaking my damn head” without an acronym.
Jose Tena – Was watching the Mets/Nats game the other day and Tena tried to steal — was caught, but still — he’s quicker than I thought. Supposedly, he has a 45 prospect grade on speed, and that’s, well, wrong. He’s been running like crazy and I don’t understand at all how you could misjudge speed on a prospect. That’s pretty easy to judge, no?
Otto Lopez – Put your feet up and let Otto man perform for you.
Eric Wagaman – Saw an Angels fan excited for 2025, because of what Wagaman has done this week, and all I have to say is, “Oh chile.” Not like the country, but like a 75-year-old black woman.
Miguel Rojas – He’s been hot, so there’s that, but also: he’s played in almost 1200 MLB games! He makes good contact and has a solid glove, but I can’t believe how many career games he’s played in. He averages one homer every 25 games in his career. Roughly a five-homer 162-game pace. Incredible.
Leody Taveras – Thinking about winning a league where I’ve dropped the underperforming Adolis and grabbing Leody and cackling very hard.
Michael Conforto – Finally, after a year that saw Luis Matos go off for one week, Tyler Fitzy-gerald, Heliot and even Carl’s Jr. Jr. get crazy hot, Conforto is getting hot just as the Giants are eliminated.
Kyle Isbel – More like Kyle Ishot! See what I did there? [Cancel Police break down door and drag me away by my ankles] Wait! It’s Kyle Is-hot! Is-hot! Not Kyle I-shot!
Parker Meadows – Up until this guy, I think the one thing this entire post had in common was I will be avoiding all of these guys next year. And Meadows? Pretty borderline. The speed and power are intriguing.
Garrett Mitchell – Shamp has been hot for a few weeks now (all the Brewers have been since they lost Yelich, if being honest). Yes, I nicknamed Garrett Mitchell “Shampoo,” and no one is using it, then, taking it one step further, I’ve started shortening that to Shamp. So?
Cade Povich – This is a Streamonator call like the call it makes to the YMCA.
Yariel Rodriguez – This is also a Streamonator call. “I was there earlier today, swimming, and I think I might’ve lost something. Can you check your skimmer for a foot?”
Hunter Strickland – If you’re desperate for saves and want to feel alive by rostering a guy who could give up 5 ER in 1/3 IP? I have just the guy for you! This is for those of you very desperate. I’m hoping for your sake there’s better options in your league for saves like Porter Hodge or Aroldis Chapman or Edwin Uceta or Jesus Tinoco or Justin Anderson. Okay, was kidding on Justin Anderson. He’s not better.
SELL
Everyone – Stop looking for an “everyone” on your fantasy team. Everyone isn’t a person, it’s everyone. Keanu, “Whoa.” You can’t wait for some phantom hot streak that may or may not come. I’d drop everyone this final week-plus if they’re not performing. This is also a drop for all starting pitchers on any teams that have already made the playoffs and might only see a few innings in the next week. In general, I can’t imagine any playoff-bound starter getting more than five innings. This final week is uncharted territory and on maps it’s named: Not-Just-Kevin-Cash-Is-Yanking-Starters-Before-70-Pitches-Land. It’s between the Arabian Sea and H2Hplayoffsistan. There’s no time to wait! You need to do whatever it takes to win your league! Don’t be afraid of success! Be the hero you always dreamt yourself to be! Be a bright, shining star who is able to win a fantasy baseball league! Be the man you see when you look in the reflection of your computer screen while your fantasy team page is loading!
