“Plug and play. That’s what I say about George Kirby. You plug him in and he plays. Like an Energizer Bunny. There’s no quit there.” This is a tone deaf man explaining George Kirby (3 2/3 IP, 11 ER, ERA at 3.73) while an Energizer Bunny goes back and forth over a grave with a tombstone that reads, “My Fantasy Team.” I saw Kerry Carpenter was returning from the IL and here’s what I thought before the game: He’ll hit 2nd sandwiched between I Have No Idea and Yeah, I Don’t Know, Is One Of Them Colt Keith? I literally have no idea who just hit George Kirby around. Jake Rogers (3-for-5, 7 RBIs)? Gio Urshela (4-for-5, 3 runs)? That’s who you turn into Barry Bonds? Javier Baez (1-for-4, 2 RBIs) even hit a homer (his 5th). He couldn’t hit a cantaloupe underhanded to him! Kerry Carpenter (3-for-5, 3 RBIs, 9th and 10th homer) is fine, I guess. Welcome back, I say, begrudgingly. Did he have to defecate on my Fantasy Team’s grave? Like a professional fisherman, I am reeling. I guess pick up Kerry Carpenter, I don’t even know which way is up. Kirby forsaken me! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Michael Harris II – Returning from the IL on Wednesday. Go tell the guy in your league who has him. He’s over on our fantasy football side of things. Harris will replace Ramon Laureano in the lineup on most days, who hit his 5th homer for a nice bomb voyage.
Travis d’Arnaud – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, 2nd homer in three games. Told you two weeks ago he was replacing Murphy shortly and shortly became these last few days.
Charlie Morton – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.40. He couldn’t have pitched like this last week, just, like, freakin’ normal?
Tyler Fitzgerald – 1-for-5 and his 13th homer, hitting .305. This guy is on a heater like we haven’t seen in some time. Fantasy value growin’ like grass with his Maas Appeal.
Kutter Crawford – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.21. One walk, three hits and zero homers allowed and four earned? That doesn’t even seem possible. Are they just seeing if we’re paying attention? Crap, my tinfoil hat just fell off.
James Paxton – MRI showed a partially torn calf. Gonna be one real pissed-off cow.
Hunter Greene – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.84. Greene has quietly moved into “Could throw a no-hitter with 12 Ks while vomiting” every time out. Ugh, I love him.
Ty France – 1-for-3 and his 11th homer. France, Ty’d himself with JRod for homers. Very nice. [wanders into a street wearing a potato sack while cars honk, careening out of the way] Seriously, though, France shows you why we should love all Reds. A 17-homer hitter goes there and he becomes a 30-homer hitter. JRod in Cincy would be a 50-homer threat. For further illustration, see Jeimer Candelario (1-for-3, 2 RBIs, and 19th homer).
Nolan Arenado – 1-for-3 and his 12th homer. Hey, wanna see my manuscript, Aging Players Be Aging Badly, it’s over here by this open window–NOOOOOOO!!! Torenado!
Jazz Chisholm Jr. – Hit the IL with a UCL injury. Are you going to tell me a trade into the pennant chase didn’t stop him from being Glass Chisholm Jr.? He’s now played in five seasons (ignoring 2020, though he only played 21 games that year) and he’s yet to pass 121 games played which he did his rookie year. Any hoo! Grab Jasson Dominguez now.
Juan Soto – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 31st, 32nd and 33rd homer. Sexy Dr. Pepper makes house home run calls! Soto must’ve been so embarrassed the Yanks lost to the White Sox the night before, he gave them all the offense. A literal Major League, “F*ck you, Soto do it himself.”
Nestor Cortes – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.20. Well, yeah, it’s vs. the Shite Sux. He’s supposed to be fine there!
Zebby Matthews – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks as he was called up. Just went over him yesterday. Scroll to it, sung like Steve Winwood.
Max Kepler – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 8th homer. Twins are the only team in history that is a dangerous lineup and have no one with any impressive season-long stats, because they’re all injured all the time. Kepler? On pace for 12 homers. He’s not bad! Their top home run hitter is Ryan Jeffers with 17 homers.
Seth Lugo – 4 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 3.04. [Mac and Charlie fake-crying from It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia] Ooh, did you have Lugo get hit around? Poor baby! Try and roster George Kirby some time!
Salvador Perez – 1-for-3 and his 22nd homer. Mentioned William Contreras yesterday, and how he only missed three games all year. Sal P.’s Cal Ripken compared to that.
William Contreras – 1-for-4 and his 15th homer. Oh, wow, I just mentioned Contreras! We have a blurb-off! That should be in the next Olympics. I hear they have room with breakdancing being discontinued. That’s not just from the Olympics. No one is allowed to breakdance again.
Colin Rea – 6 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 3.72. I dropped him a week early, but this was my fate, and I dodged it. Hopefully my fantasy team isn’t filming a new Final Destination.
River Ryan – Headed for Tommy John surgery. Dude got his months confused. This is Return From Tommy John Month. April is Go For Tommy John Month. On the reals, Driveline is the worst thing to happen to pitching in the modern era, yeah or nah?
Will Smith – 3-for-4, 2 runs, and his 16th homer. See Langeliers’s blurb down below for my Smith thoughts. Then come back here. If you just went and read Langeliers and came back here and did that again. You’re in a loop. Only way to break out of this loop is to send me your life savings.
Shohei Ohtani – 1-for-5 and his 37th homer. Crazy to think people are already saying they want Elly over Ohtani next year. Hey, I’m not fading Elly again, but c’mon.
Gavin Lux – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Lux is breaking out. Yes, 7 HRs for him is a break out.
Gavin Stone – 5 IP, 1 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.63. Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-BUT I already moved on! Streamonator hates his next one, but vs. the Cards doesn’t scare me.
Michael King – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.19. Mentioned on this week’s podcast how if you just went with stars of the Korean series, you would’ve done all right. I remember King was a popular draft pick late because he got a random victory in the 1st game, and you could get that Win if you drafted him. Also, Merrill looked good in Korea, and ended being great this year. All of this is to say, draft based on one game, forget the 10,000 hours of preseason prep I do.
Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 1-for-5 and his 24th homer, hitting .320. Was a rocky road to start to the year, but Cake Batter is now the top 1st baseman on the Player Rater, and in the top 15 overall. Was an all-time great buy low in May.
Kevin Gausman – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.20. Okay, but the Angels suck, so where does that leave us? Same place we started with Gausman? That we don’t trust him? Yeah, I think so too.
Anthony Santander – 1-for-4 and his 36th homer. A’la In The Heat Of The Night, “They call me Mister San-tan-dare!”
Trevor Rogers – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.89. After his first start with the O’s, he was so impressed with how the coaches helped him. Now, the coaches are like, “Figure out your own shizz.”
Jake Irvin – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.72. Started him last week for a good matchup, and he got rocked. Dropped him before this one and, of course, this was the result.
James Wood – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .283. Clicking this fast at his age? This feels special.
Yusei Kikuchi – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.49. Kikuchi’s really turned his season around after his trade to the Astros. It’s almost like they know how to make players better in a way no other team can or will do.
Alex Bregman – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 19th homer, and 4th homer in four games. Not to Breg, man, but I don’t care because I don’t have him on any teams, but he’s clearly on a heater.
Jeremy Pena – 2-for-4 and his 11th homer. Trying to think if anyone else significant has 11 homers in MLB. Can’t think of the name. Think it rhymes with Hulio Podriguez.
Shane Baz – 7 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.21. If that’s all it took to get him back, just around 35 IP, that’s not bad at all. Do I think he’s 100% back to pre-surgery Baz already? No.
Victor Vodnik – 2/3IP, 2 ER, ERA at 4.16, and his 3rd blown save. When he first got the Rockies’ closer job, I thought Vodnik sucked, but he’s turned out to be simply mediocre.
Jake Burger – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 23rd homer, and 4th homer in four games, and bajillionth homer in the last month and zajillionith time I’ve said Burger is a 2nd half hitter.
Jesus Sanchez – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 15th homer, 2nd homer in two games. Hot schmotato alert!
Valente Bellozo – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.28. He should go by the nickname, El Bozo. Come to the mound with a red nose, cleats that are 15 inches too long. Embrace it! Streamonator hates his next because the Streamonator hates clowns. This is true. For what it’s Cronenworth, Bellozo has done it with excellent command, that he didn’t have in the minors (shrugs) and no Ks (7.5 K/9). No trust here.
Taijuan Walker – 4 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 5.68. Getting hit around by the MIA Marlins is the time when you have to start considering if baseball is still your thing.
Paul Blackburn – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.43. More like Paul Heartburn.
Shea Langeliers – 4-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 22nd homer. He has been almost as good as Will Smith this year on the Player Rater, and about the 6th best catcher. Bit of an indictment of Smith and a back pat for Langeliers.
Jhonkensy Noel – 2-for-3 and his 9th homer, and 3rd homer in two games. Ho, ho, ho! Merry Big Christmas!
Will Brennan – 1-for-4. Is Lane Thomas in a platoon? I’m just asking questions. Guess I need another question for it to be plural. Hmm, how about: WHY?
Matthew Boyd – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks as he was activated from the IL. If you go to pick up Boyd on waivers, you step on a serious of rakes before you get there, then you have to figure out how to remove a banana from a tailpipe before it explodes.
