“‘Yo, we’ll see you in the playoffs, baby bro!’ Right?! Hahahaha, that’s what Ronald Acuña Jr. said to Luisangel Acuña, right? Because Ronald is playing too, right?” Um, Comatose Braves Fan, how long have you been out? “Roughly six months, I miss anything?” So, Luisangel Acuña was called up this weekend with Lindor tweaking his back. Luisangel Acuña sounds more like a Jr., doesn’t he? Like the only reason one uses Luisangel is because it was daddy’s name. I’d like to see one family add Jr. onto all their kids. How much would that mess with people’s minds? “Here’s my brothers, Luisangel Acuña Jr. and Ronald Acuña Jr., and I am Grey Acuña Jr.” That would have people questioning shizz. Any hoo! Itch just went over Luisangel Acuña yesterday, saying, “Mets SS Luisangel Acuña(22) got the big call on Saturday to provide some versatility off the bench. To say he’s had a tough season would be underselling the reality of his 69 wRC+ and .299 on base percentage across 131 Triple-A games. He has struck out just 16.4 percent of the time, but that has brought with it a career low walk rate of 5.5 percent. If he can put some kind of approach back together, he probably has the hands to hang around as a utility bat. He’s stolen 40 bases (54 attempts) in those 131 games and can play a little all over the field, but he’ll likely open next season back in the minors to get the everyday at bats he needs and I needs to beat up Grey.” What? So, I don’t see any real reason to grab him, outside of NL-Only leagues, unless you’re chasing steals in shallower leagues. In his favor and not Francisco Lindor’s, Luisangel entered the game yesterday for the obviously hurting Lindor, so Luisangel Acuña Jr. might get some ABs, according to Grey Acuña Jr. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
David Peterson – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.85. Benched all Mets’ starters this weekend in one weekly league and, boy, am I a Ding Dong Merchant. Just gave you my David Peterson fantasy after his last sparkle.
Alec Bohm – 1-for-4 as he was activated from the IL. Fun fact! If he married David Bell’s daughter, they might both take the surname, Bohm-Boone. Sorry, I just watched Chimp Crazy.
Cristopher Sanchez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.24. Next year, as with every year, people will be saying you have to get an ace, then Cristopher Sanchez will be drafted around 175 overall and people will be like, “Meh,” and he’ll be the rock of your rotation yet again.
Gerrit Cole – 4 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 3.97. Is Gerrit Cole the worst pitcher on all my teams? No, but he feels like it. Expectations, he is not exceeding.
Aaron Judge – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and a slam (53) and legs (9). Guy’s power petered out so much they didn’t even bother to get Roger Maris Jr. to stop plumbing for a month and follow him around. Snaking drains because Judge’s power was clogged.
Gleyber Torres – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 14th homer. I joked last week that people were going to draft him next year based on what he did after being moved to the leadoff, but I honestly have no idea how to evaluate Gleyber for next year. He may not even be back with the Yanks. Imagine how awful Gleyber is on, say, the Pirates. I just shuddered.
Brayan Bello – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.60. I’m not Mr. Prospect Guy. Everyone knows this, but in the offseason I go over the top rookies for next year, so I was just perusing. Skimming. Thesaurus, give me another! Glancing over some possibilities and the Red Sox’s farm system is stacked. Where the O’s were last year? The Red Sox will be next year.
Tyler O’Neill – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 31st homer, hitting .254. Pays off that he’s been sleeping in a hotel room with no sharp edges and dressing inside a bubble.
Jose Berrios – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.44. He’s had one of the biggest early-Katy Perry-type seasons. Singing Early Katy, “I’m hot, you’re cold, you’re yes, I’m no.” That nonsense? That’s been Berrios. April? 1.19 ERA. May and June? 4.70 and 4.85. July? 6.08! August 2.50 and September 1.38.
Davis Schneider – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, 2nd homer in two games. Are we sure Schneider isn’t just a Septacular hitter? Whatever the case, hot schmotato alert!
Kyle Gibson – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 4.11. I cannot tell a lie, said while wearing a powdered wig, I was looking at Gibson’s starts for the last week, because these weekend starters could be lined up for a final week 2-start week. Streamonator can help too.
Lars Nootbaar – 2-for-4 and his 10th homer. Can’t believe his parents didn’t name him Mars. What a missed opp.
Joey Cantillo – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.99. After draft, “I’m just happy to get Glasnow and Freddy Peralta. Should be good to go for my H2H playoffs.” Now, “Will Joey Cantillo make two more starts or THREE!!! I must know!!!” (Two, I think.)
Ben Lively – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.87 vs. Taj Bradley – 4 1/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 4.39. Next year there’s no doubt Taj goes in front of Lively, but is anyone that smooth-brained to think they can’t clearly be inverse in fantasy value?
Michael Wacha – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.29. Thank you, Wacha, for being a true blue Wacha.
Jared Jones – 4 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.85. It rhymes with mutt hem frown, which sounds like a Terrier/Beagle mix working in a Fanatics sweat shop, and in much the same way: Shut him down!
Brent Rooker – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 37th homer. Getting to 40 homers, B. Rooker or by crooker.
Bryan Ramos – 2-for-3 and his 2nd homer, hitting .209. White Sox won their 2nd game in a row, are the playoffs out of reach? That, and can you eat a 3D printed muffin, after the break!
Max Scherzer – 4 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.95 as he was activated from the IL. Rangers got back deGrom and Scherzer right in time for the playoffs! What’s that? Oh, sad.
Andrew Heaney – 5 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.89. Thinking about the poor person who had their H2H playoff relying on Heaney. Nothing ever good came from “trusting Heaney.”
George Kirby – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.62. After his previous start, I was gonna move him out of my lineup for this week’s start, and maybe I still will, but now I’m freakin’ conflicted!
Ronel Blanco – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.88. I could say the Astros cheat better than any other team, and who knows, but, without hard evidence, I have to assume they just coach up their pitchers so well. In fact, call him So Well Blanco, because he goes to the pen then shoved back in the rotation and doesn’t miss a beat.
Jason Heyward – 3-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (8) and legs (5). If this is the final hooray for Heyward, I have to say he looks better than most of the other stars of the 2016 Cubs, but you and I, us non-baseball players, look better than them.
Taylor Ward – 1-for-3 and his 24th homer, 2nd homer in four games. I cannot for the life of me understand why Ward’s hitting leadoff, but I’m also not on cocaine.
Michael Busch – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 19th and 20th homer, hitting .257. Busch was in Coors, which sounds like an excuse for a BevMo refund.
Corbin Burnes – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.06. One thing that is clear with pitching: There’s enough terrible teams in the league that even if you don’t have your best stuff or you’re just not that good, you can gut out a decent season. This start was vs. the Tigers. Supposedly a playoff-contending team, but they are bottom third in just about all hitting categories.
Heston Kjerstad – 0-for-2 as he was activated from the “I see fluttering butterflies around my head” IL, as he hit cleanup. Prolly just a part-time player, which sounds like an updated version of Stevie Wonder’s Part-Time Lover.
Adley Rutschman – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer, hitting .254. That he’s hitting after Kjerstad says all you need to know about Adley’s season.
Cade Povich – 5 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 5.74 vs. Keider Montero – 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 4.60. They will meet again next week in a rematch, because, of course, two long-time rivals like the Orioles and Tigers in different divisions should be meeting multiple times in September. Smart stuff from MLB.
Riley Greene – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 22nd and 23rd homer, 2nd and 3rd homer in a week. Wanna know how sad the outfield position is? Audience refrain, “How sad is it?” Riley Greene missed about 30 games this year, is having a just-okay season, and he’ll likely be a top 20 outfielder on the Player Rater. At end of the year, I’ll be going over all the positions, but outfield is surprisingly meh.
MacKenzie Gore – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.17. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, NO! You won’t rope me in again next year. Though, let me see your xFIP.
James Wood – 2-for-3 and his 6th and 7th homer. Also in this game, Jonah Bride (2-for-4, 2 runs) hit his 7th homer. Honeymoon period not over when you get Wood twice in one day with Bride.
Nick Martinez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.37. Streamonator actually has Martinez as a slight positive next time (not a good start, just not a negative dollar value), and I streamed him for this week’s two starts, and, welp, looks like I’m in for another.
Rhett Lowder – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.74. Went to look at his stats page, expecting to have my eyes dazzled. “Be dazzled,” I said to my eyes, and started to glue fake gemstones on my pupils and now I want to unglue my eyes.
Carlos Santana – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 22nd homer, hitting .243. Looking at all the 1st basemen Carlos Santana is in front of on the Player Rater and my guitar gently weeps.
Tyler Glasnow – Likely out the rest of the season. On one hand, he had his career high in innings. On the other hand, it was only 134 IP. On a third hand that is Hamburger Helper, he can’t lift one hand because of his elbow sprain.
Jack Flaherty – 3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.04. He’s already in Dodgers playoff mode.
Walker Buehler – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners (5 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 5.54. Not trying to be a hater my entire life, but five walks is, how do you say, freakin’ awful. Not sure what happened to Buehler — Buehler? Buehler? Any ideas? — but he’s not right.
Jackson Chourio – 3-for-6, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 21st homer, hitting .276. Top 25 draft pick in 2025? Yay or no yay?
Ryne Nelson – Hit the IL with shoulder inflammation. Shame about the Ryne. That’s all I got, nothing *pinkie to mouth* pithy.
Brandon Pfaadt – 1 2/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 4.81. Brandon’s the one excuse to Pfaadt shame.
