Ric Flair, the wheelin’ dealin’, limo-ridin’, high profilin’, rootin’ tootin’, Jerry Tarkanian’ eyebrow havin’, organic candles sellin’ at a farmer’s marketin’, IBS got me avoidin’ spicy foods-in-Indian restaurantsin’, bad-mambo-jambo, better move his Woo over because there’s a new Woo in town, that’s Bryan Woo (6 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.07). “He gets my exclamatory Woo,” I say while pointing my finger at the TV when I watch him pitch. So, Bryan Woo has a K/9 of 6.4 and a BB/9 of zero. No, it’s 0.5 or two walks in 33 2/3 IP. I love this guy. People label guys as a throwback, but that usually means a guy has the physique of a beanbag and casually tosses slurs around. No, Woo is a throwback as in he’s Greg Maddux. By the way, to accurately remember Maddux’s stats, I went back to look at his numbers, and he threw at least 194 IP from 1988 until 2008. So, that part isn’t like Woo. The command and lack of Ks is, and, when Woo’s coming with a 1.07 ERA and 0.58 WHIP, I’m making the comparison and you’re gonna like it! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Ryne Stanek – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.57, as he secured his 4th save. As speculated here while singing Steely Dan’s No Stanek At All, he looks to be the M’s closer fill-in while Munoz is sidelined. Though, Munoz says he will avoid the IL, which means he’ll be IL’d be the time you read this.
Mitch Garver – 2-for-2, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. Mitch don’t kill my vibe!
J.P. Sears – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.93. He limited damage from JRod, like anyone above High-A could. Grey’s getting sassy! Any hoo! Streamonator doesn’t like Sears’s next, and I can understand why. Bad appliances, worse matchup.
Cal Quantrill – 5 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners (4 BBs), 1 K, ERA at 3.58. Trill, as defined by rap culture is someone who is well-respected. Ergo, vis-a-vis, therefore, Quantrill is someone who is respected five times over (for showing up to pitch for the Rockies and not completely phoning in, because no one would blame him).
Kris Bryant – Hit the IL with a rib contusion. Being real here, he seems like a super likable guy. Retire and go have a great broadcasting career back in Chicago.
Brady Singer – 3 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.76. If I had Singer and regression came for him it would look like whatever that was that happened to Jared Jones this past weekend, or Yusei the starts before yesterday or–Well, everyone I have.
Tanner Bibee – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.73. His peripherals say he’s a strong number two, and he’s pitching like a number two in a public restroom when you realize too late there’s no TP and all you have is your gotchies.
Jose Ramirez – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer, hitting .276. I am going to howl like a lunatic when I finally draft JoJoRam in the preseason without any hesitation, because that’s when he’ll finally disappoint. Oh, and don’t say you had no hesitation this past preseason. You and I both know you were taking him in the 2nd round but not super enthused about it.
Freddie Freeman – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer. Freeman [pound chest like caveman] free ball.
Mookie Betts – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer. Mookie Best!
Teoscar Hernandez – 3-for-5, 3 runs and his 13th homer. …and the Teoscar goes to The Man With The Golden Bat.
Evan Phillips – 1 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 2.30. Kazaam!
Walker Buehler – 3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.82. Can’t believe I actually was disappointed I didn’t get Buehler in any leagues this preseason. Also, anyone who is asking about Jeffrey Springs, Kershaw, Scherzer or any other long-injured pitcher: See Buehler, Walker.
Nick Gonzales – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .315. Not entirely sure what’s taking so long for people to pick up Ni-Go, a guy who first started appearing in my Buy columns about three weeks ago, but the comments continue to trickle in asking about him. Yes, I like him.
Oneil Cruz – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (8), and legs (5). Cool, do both of those again twenty more times and I won’t call 1-800-Voo-Dooo and get a $29.99 curse put on you.
Bailey Falter – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.69. Falter, your name mocks you.
Max Meyer – Supposed to return soon to the majors. Has anyone said why on earth he’s in the minors? I get the Marlins aren’t going anywhere, but when did it become protocol to leave players in the minors when they should be in the majors, and can we stop it?
Reynaldo Lopez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at…Go ahead! Guess! Come on! It’ll be fun! All right, it’s more fun if you roster him. His ERA is 1.85. It’s June 7th!
Marcell Ozuna – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer. Braves should consider batting Ozuna once in the three-hole, then having Olson switch out his jersey and have Ozuna bat again cleanup.
Adam Duvall – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but Duvall usually gets hot after hitting a home run. A quick schmotato run could be in order.
C.J. Abrams – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer. Corange Juice had a very poor May, due to his shoulder, so let’s hope that’s behind him. Uh, on top of him. By his neck. You know!
Lane Thomas – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer. He’s hitting way below his normal average. His fly balls and infield fly balls and just overall junky contact is up. That could come around but it’s worth noting he saw similar garbage numbers in 2022 and it was a bad season for him.
Mitchell Parker – 7 IP, 2 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.47. Google, who is the Nats’ pitching coach that has made all of these random pitchers into usable starters? “Google AI says to keep the cheese on a slice of pizza, use glue.” Uhh, okay. So, as said before, Parker is using pinpoint command to get by with a barely 7+ K/9. He’s a 3.50 ERA pitcher right now, so he’s basically neutral luck.
Christopher Morel – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. Morel’s like an uber-Duvall. Morel hits one homer, and he’s bound to hit another five in a week. Call him Ubermenschmotato.
Seiya Suzuki – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Seiya ball!
Javier Assad – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 2.74. Pretty sure as soon as Assad was picked up by me he went to crap. After an almost 18-month run!
Elly De la Cruz – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. But there’s no such thing as hot and cold bats.
Hunter Greene – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.61. Command is much better but the allowance of long balls is not. I sound like a bouncer at men’s room asked to keep out old men.
Sonny Gray – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.21. This was vs. the Suckies. On my literal hands and knees, looking up at the heavens and begging my starters to pitch well against garbage teams.
Pablo Lopez – 4 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 5.45. Yes, he should be better. Yes, you have marbles in your medulla oblongta if you start him anywhere until you see a decent start. I wouldn’t drop Pab-Lo, but he’s as useless as a third nipple until there’s some sign of life.
Carlos Correa – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Also, in this game, Christian Vazquez (1-for-3) hit his 2nd homer and Trent Grisham (1-for-3, 3 RBIs) hit his 2nd homer. And, if you had that three-way parlay, congrats on your billion dollars. Did DraftKings just give you the keys to the office?
Marcus Stroman – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.16. ERAs are like the Yodeler in The Price is Right but in reverse. Each time an ERA gets too low, boink, the pitcher falls off and his ERA goes up.
Juan Soto – Removed from the game with forearm discomfort. Okay, prayer hexagon immediately. Also, in unrelated news, Jasson Dominguez was lifted from his rehab start. Do we have a major development here? Stay tuned. Or not. Your call.
Gabriel Moreno – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer. The guy in the two-catcher league who drafted Moreno and Keibert Ruiz? Pray for him. He needs it.
Joe Musgrove – Underwent an MRI that revealed a bone spur and contusion in his elbow. In two weeks, he will resume throwing, then two weeks after that he gets in a rehab start, then two weeks from that he gets brought back to the majors, then he pitches well for three games then he needs surgery. Am I sayer of soothes? You tell me.
Enmanuel Valdez – 1-for-6, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, and his 3rd homer this week. Oh you know that schmotato be hot with Enmanuel and you don’t even need to subscribe to Skinemax.
Jarren Duran – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Two homers in two games has me shouting Duran Duran across two days like a superfan who is super slow.
Tanner Houck – 7 IP, 2 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 1.91. Two things that I’ve said a million times in some form or another this year: 1. Every time the White Sux play, I expect them to be no-hit. Last night, Houck almost did it. 2. It’s June 7th and this guy has a 1.91 ERA. Are the baseballs filled with lead?
Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer. Cake Batter has become Ryan O’Hearn-lite. Okay, I exaggerate, but not by much. O’Hearn hit his 8th homer yesterday.
Yimi Garcia – 1 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 2.16, and his 4th save. Kinda comical how Yimi’s securing the Jays’ closer job while becoming the worst version of himself. He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy column, because of freakin’ course he will. He’s the new Jays closer, and I’m not banking on Romano’s return.
Yusei Kikuchi – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.48. When does a celebrity crush going on 30 years become weird:
Cade Povich – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER, as he was called up. What kind of sicko am I? I’ll tell ya. I’m now more interested in Povich in deeper leagues. Connie Chung-level of interest? No. But his price just got dramatically cheaper for this Sunday’s FAAB. That’s in deep leagues only; I’m still wait-and-see in shallower leagues.
Adley Rutschman – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 11th and 12th homer. Shame he had a double-dong game a week when I had three straight Orioles ledes or I would’ve featured Adley. I would’ve praised his bat. I would’ve talked about what great fantasy value he was. I would’ve fawned over his hair. Sadly, I can’t now. Oh well!
