Talked a bit about this on the podcast — you might’ve heard my fifteen different pronunciations of Noelvi Marte. No-el-vee? No-el-Vey? Noelgallaghervee? Some classic “Grey can’t speakisms” in there. Any hoo! — I don’t think PEDs, in the traditional sense, is a thing for most of these guys who are busted in recent years. Maybe I’m wrong, but what do you think of when you hear PEDs? Bonds asking the clubhouse manager to resize his hat and the clubhouse manager just handing him Bochy’s? Do you think of Sammy Sosa, before falling asleep with teeth whitening strips on his face, hitting 60 homers? McGwire’s head being the size of a watermelon telling Congress he’s not there to talk about steroids, when he is quite literally there to talk about steroids? Why else would he be at Congress? That’s what PEDs conjures to me, but it’s something else now. Noelvi Marte didn’t take PEDs to become a 50-homer hitter like Brady Anderson. Though, could he grow out his sideburns? He likely inadvertently took PEDs from a doctor in Latin America, or he took it knowingly to help him heal from an injury. Guys don’t take PEDs to bulk anymore. I don’t think so, at least. Though, I have seen Adolis. Guess my point is your thoughts of Noelvi Marte pre-suspension is how you should think of him now. A top 100 guy who makes great contact and has speed and power. Since he’s due back within a week, now is the time to stash him. I said stash, not stache. Besides, the request was applying Brady sideburns to him, not a young Bonds mustache. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
PSYCHE! This post was released on Wednesday for Patreon members. It will be released all year early for Patreons, so if people are getting a jump on you, it’s because they paid the $10. Anyway, the Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell:
BUY
Ben Rice – Just gave you a Ben Rice fantasy. It was written while not making one allusion to Uncle Ben’s, but making several.
Tyler Soderstrom – Almost included Jose Trevino, but can’t include two Yankees catchers even if Rice is playing 1st base and why isn’t Rick Cerone in the Hall of Fame? Butch Wynegar? Yes, I grew up in Jersey, is it not freakin’ obvious? So, derstrom started as a bubble-up-my-drink-mabob and hasn’t fizzled out yet.
Carlos Santana – Oye como yay!
Joey Meneses – Fun fact! A Joey Meneses is a kangaroo that is ovulating.
Tyler Black – Here’s what I said when he was called up, “He’s killed it for two years now in Triple-A and for three years in the minors, but still it makes no sense why he was called up now. I mean, he should’ve started the year with the team. Called up now, because. Dot dot dot. S’s and g’s? Is there a reason? Well, whatever. I’m intrigued, because of course I am! He went 18/55 last year and has 40+ steal speed with no reason why he can’t hit for a decent average with some pop.” And that’s me quoting me!
Zack Gelof – If someone gave up on Gelof when he struggled out the gate, then grab him now. If someone didn’t give up on Gelof when he was cold, give them a welfare call. They might not be okay.
Enmanuel Valdez – Haven’t seen an Enmanuel this hot — Well, have the kids heard of Skinemax?
Brandon Lowe – The Lowe’s are hot — Brandon, Josh, and the BBQ grill area.
David Hamilton – Has more speed than just about anyone, and his name abbreviated sounds like the Rappin’ Duke. Da-Ha, Da- Ha, da what else da ya need if not SAGNOF?
Miguel Rojas – There were some big problems with Rojas and Jazz when he was on the Marlins, and I used to think it was all Rojas, but now I think it might’ve been Jazz. Never the hoo! Rojas took over for Betts, and now Ohtani is trying to place parlays with him.
Dansby Swanson – For a while, I thought we might’ve seen our last Dansby Swansong! Walked right into that one! No? Okay.
Cavan Biggio – Just because a guy is in the Dodgers’ lineup, he does not become good. With that said, Biggio might get some more runs and RBIs. And some distance from his dad telling him to take a pitch off his elbow pad.
Davis Schneider – On the 7-day Player Rater, Davis is above that other guy you have on your fantasy team that plays 2nd, and prolly has been for a while. Okay, fine, you can check that too with the 30-day Player Rater.
Ceddanne Rafaela – He’s higher than so many guys on the Player Rater, who are rostered in more leagues. That’s not the 7-day Player Rater, that’s the big daddy, season-long Player Rater. I also hate that Ceddanne Rafaela is hitting 9th, but he’s been productive out of the slot.
Zach Neto – Speaking of guys who are hitting too low in the order. At least with Ceddanne, there’s somewhat decent guys in front of him. Neto has to contend with Willie Calhoun, Kevin Pillar, Brandon Drury, Ty Wigginton, okay, I made up that one, but you weren’t sure. Crazy thing is the Angels are prolly like, “Well, we had injuries, so we had to fill-in last minute. Don’t blame us.” They had injuries from Rendon and Trout! They didn’t think those would happen? I am literally screaming at myself. I need to move on.
Orelvis Martinez – Here’s what I said when he was called up, “(Orelvis) called up with Bo Bichette headed to the IL with a calf strain. Piece of Chette would wait until Tuesday, the day after lineups lock, to head to the IL. Piece of Chette Stop Being Annoying Challenge: Impossible. With Chettehead’s IL stint, the Jays called up Orelvis. While long overdue, the Jays are such a Chettehead organization, where does Martinez play after Chette returns? I’m seriously asking. If you’re thinking, ‘Well, there’s no way they send him back down.’ I wish I had your optimism. I’m not even sure the Jays play him every day now, opting for Israeli Diner Falafel instead. IKF over Orelvis? Yes, I’m not being facetious. I’m not saying I would do it, but we’re talking about the Jays. Why do we even care? Orelvis has 16 HRs in only 235 ABs in Triple-A and is only 22. He looks like a future star. Who brings up a future star to bench them for IKF? The Jays!” And that’s me quoting me!
Michael Busch – Listing Busch because I refused to list Ernie Clement. Turns to the mirror, sternly, “Don’t you dare look on the Player Rater to see if Ernie Clement has been more valuable than Bo Bichette.”
Joey Loperfido – If Jon Singleton gets in the way of Loperfido, so help me. If Trey Cabbage gets in his way, so help me. If Mauricio Dubon gets in his way, so–[counting ‘so help me’s]–Two ‘so help me’s is a negative and a third ‘so help me’ is positive again, so Loperfido is good. It’s Einstein’s Law of So Help Me, which he exclaimed three times after seeing what his barber did to him.
Jesus Sanchez – Jesus is hot. May the schmotatoes inherit the earth.
Joc Pederson – He’s hot and has power. In related news that has nothing to do with him but everything to do with him, sometimes I will think of Joc Pederson when a guy has steals in the minors. Joc has a high of six steals in the majors and that was nine years ago. He has no real speed, and never did. So, why think of him? He had two 30-steal seasons in the minors.
Heliot Ramos – Howling that Heliot has more homers than Vlad Jr. Hooting even.
Hunter Goodman – “What was your secret to getting playing time?” “I will never tell you.” That’s Sean Bouchard and Goodman talking.
Jose Siri – Not sure if you heard but Apple’s finally updated Siri. It will now hit .200.
JJ Bleday – Ice Cube stopped at a red light, talking to himself, “If only there was something that was between a Good Day and a Bad Day.” Daniel Powter, singer of Bad Day, rolls up, “Have you considered Bleday?” Ice Cube smiles, and asks coyly, “Does he have Powter?” Then they laugh and drive off. Now that would be a good day.
Jarred Kelenic – With Michael Harris II the latest cursed Braves player, Kelenic moved to the leadoff slot vs. righties, and has been hitting. What if all Kelenic needed was everyone else on the Braves to suck? Like a power vacuum where what usually sucks becomes great in a vacuum. Is this something?
Miles Mikolas – This is a Streamonator call, like the call it makes to Target.
Reese Olson – This is also a Streamonator call. “I went to high school with this fax machine and I was wondering–You don’t have fax machines? Sigh.”
Keegan Thompson – Might be in line for Cubs saves. He has a 14.1 K/9. Zoinks! His walk rate is almost as high. Double zoinks! Colten Brewer might also be–Okay, anyone could be in line for Cubs saves.
Chad Green – This guy feels like the Jays’ closer until he gives up 7 ER in 2/3 IP and everyone is like, “Oh, yeah, obviously he was never good to begin with,” and you’re left thinking, “Why didn’t you tell me that shizz before I picked him up?”
Matt Strahm – Wanna know how I know the Phils are going to the World Series? Their bullpen is “Welcome to the Gun Show” in human form. Unless all their relievers become Turd Merchants in October, which could happen, I suppose.
SELL
Jurickson Profar – Went through the Player Rater looking for players who were overperforming, and it went like this: He’s good, he’s good, he’s great, damn, he’s good too. There are not a ton of guys overperforming right now, besides some super obvious ones. Is Ranger Suarez the best starter in baseball? Here’s the thing: No. To expand on that: Noooooooo. Anyway, this brings me back to Profar. He was the top hitter who I saw that was just absurd and not a catcher (Hey, William Contreras!). Profar is a .270 BABIP guy for his career, he’s over .350. He’s a .240 hitter for the last two years and .227 the year before that. Um, now he’s a .320 hitter? C’mon, you’re really falling for the 31-year-old breakout? Can I interest you in a banana in your tailpipe? I wouldn’t trade Jurickson Profar for granola bar found between couch cushions, but I would look at our Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer and explore options.
