Googling “What will X give you if X Gon Give It To You,” while carrying a treasure map with an X marked on it, while talking to my cousin Jeffrey on speaker because he uses an X to sign all legal documents while he’s on X, the drug and formerly Twitter. This has been my last week searching for the clues on Xavier Edwards. What will X give ya? Is there treasure under this X? Is Jeffrey’s use of an X as a signature connected to his posts about QAnon on Facebook or is there something else there? I need to get to the bottom of this. Dot dot dot. X. Just two slashes, but what kind of slash line can Xavier Edwards give? Is he XAGNOF? Quickly, an answer to all previous questions: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, no, Jeffrey just hit his head when a Tilt-A-Whirl stopped abruptly when he was 12, yes, no! Xavier Edwards has 40+ steal speed. That alone is great, obvi. He also makes insanely great contact, and is walking near 15%. Yes, Xavier Edwards is the new Marlins’ leadoff man because of the day Jazz left town, which sounds like a Katrina doc, but even if Jazz were there, Xavier Edwards is a leadoff hitter, and a damn good one. X gon’ give you that. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
SIKE! This post was released on Wednesday for Patreon members. It will be released all year early for Patreons, so if people are getting a jump on you, it’s because they paid the $10. Anyway, the Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell:
BUY
Dillon Dingler – Put on a thong. Now bend over in front of a mirror so you’re looking at yourself between your legs. That’s The Dingler! The Dingler also has 30-homer power.
Freddy Fermin – Last week I suggested you grab The French Terminator, Travis d’Arnaud, and this week it’s The Ferminator.
Michael Toglia – He had nine homers in July. JRod has 11 HRs on the year.
Jhonkensy Noel – “Ho, ho, ho!” That’s Big Christmas seeing his teammates sidepieces.
Joey Loperfido – Already gave you a Joey Loperfido fantasy when he was first up with the Astros. I am a fan, he said creepily.
Josh Bell – One of the few guys to have a positive uptick in value after his trade. Ring that Bell, baby, for me and Anita.
Gavin Lux – He’s been hot, and moved up a bit in the order, while Freeman was out. Could give Roberts some confidence in Lux. You know what you be havin’ with Gavin? Well, it’s kinda yawnstipating, but a bit of everything.
Jorge Polanco – Dude’s been hotter than a junebug in July. A junebug in July is hot and sweaty because it knows its time is coming to an end. A junebug in July is getting its affairs in order, and saying its goodbyes. Do I need to explain more? No? Okay.
Max Schuemann – He’s played half a season. In 162 games, he would have a 12/22/.260 year. Hmm, okay, sounded better in my head. “Not so easy to prorate, huh?” No, it’s not Mr. Prorater.
Dylan Moore – Been one of the hottest guys on the 7-Day Player Rater. Want more? Yes, that’s what I’m saying.
Jackson Holliday – Come on, Jackson, get some jacks off! Don’t read that aloud in public.
Eugenio Suarez – 10 homers in July; JRod has 11 HRs on the year.
Coby Mayo – Just gave you my Coby Mayo fantasy. It was written in mayo.
Addison Barger – Here’s what Itch’s said, “Barger struggled to get seaworthy early in 2023, battling injury and batting .205 through his first 30 games. He recovered to slash .264/.365/.444 with eight home runs and 11 steals in 64 games from July 27 through season’s end. If he picks up from there in 2024, he’ll provide a left handed option for the lineup and I want to punch Grey.” Starting to think I should be concerned. So, Barger continued along nicely in 2024, hitting 9 HRs with a 19.3% K% in 204 ABs. Seems to make weak contact for mixed leagues, but I’m monocle’ing. Could quickly become interesting.
Lawrence Butler – Is it me or does Lawrence Butler sound like a baseball player, but Larry Butler sounds like a basketball player? It’s not me, is it? Hot damn, I’ve stumbled on a greater truth! What does it mean? Um, I have no idea.
Colton Cowser – I’ll be honest, Cowser should likely have been rostered since April, but I see people still asking about him, so I shall include him. This one time! (Likely not the last time.)
Jasson Dominguez – You I have the horns for Giancarlo. You know I’ve cooled on Rice. You know I’m surprised Verdugo doesn’t collapse under the weight of his gold teeth. Where does Dominguez play? I think it’s slightly unclear now, but it will be clear in a finger snap and you’re gonna be late adding him, and he could be a difference maker. My thoughts on Junior Caminero: The Rays are the cheapest team in the league, why are they promoting him in August? For s’s and g’s?
Kyle Stowers – Here’s what Itch last said on Stowers, “(He) could open the season at DH after a 107 wRC+ in 34 major league games last season and a 130 wRC+ in 95 games at Triple-A. He might not be good enough to hold off the next wave of young Orioles, but there’s plenty of playing time on offer in 2023. Plenty time to beat up Grey too!” What? So, that was in 2023, clearly, and, well…Stowers hasn’t caught on, but NL-Onlyers could do worse than a flyer for what he can do with a job (finally). Seems like a platoon bat, at best.
Victor Robles – He’s actually been one of the best pickups for the M’s. Yes, that’s supposed to be a backhanded compliment. M’s had a chance to make a huge splash with the deadline. The Rice Bowl is fine, but they badly need a big bat, and they didn’t do it. They have the arms to win the World Series, they just need one bat. Wasted opp.
Spencer Arrighetti – This is a Streamonator call, like the one it makes to the greeting card store.
Randy Vasquez – This is also a Streamonator call. “Do you have Get Well Soon cards for VCRs? I have a friend who seems terminal. It keeps playing the Tom Hanks movie and can’t stop.”
Calvin Faucher – Andrew Nardi, Anthony Bender, I believe is the Marlins’ pen hierarchy, but Faucher, Nardi, Bender might also be the last three names I heard when someone mentioned the CDC.
Tyler Ferguson – Every time I see his name in the box score as T. Ferguson, boy, do I giggle. Like a school kid who is watching Norm MacDonald on SNL. RIP.
Hunter Strickland – Angels’ closer should be Ben Joyce, but there might be some arbitration shenanigans going on there. Either way, this is break into only in case of an emergency.
Robert Garcia – He sounds like someone misremembering The Grateful Dead’s lead singer. He also has some of the wickedest stuff alive. Should be the Nats’ closer. Why they didn’t trade Finnegan for peanuts? MLB has a severe lack of elephants.
John Brebbia – I am 100% joking. The White Sox are losing 120 games this year! They are so incredibly awful. Don’t you dare pick up a White Sox reliever. Want a real lulz? Look at this from 2020:
SELL
Anyone, Everyone or No One – Next week is most league trade deadlines, so this is not you going and looking at waivers for a player named Anyone, Everyone or No One. There’s no tilde on Anyone. You’re not misspelling it. This Sell is you preparing to make daddy proud by winning a freakin’ league! So, trade whomever for whatever if it helps your team. This is your last chance for trades! You have nothing stopping you, except your subconscious fear of winning. And that’s subconscious so it doesn’t even really count! You can’t blame that shizz! If trading Captain Woo Cubano for two closers helps your team win this year? Then trade Captain Woo Cubano even if he’s, like, my favorite player and it hurts me soul, Lupe Fiasco. If trading Ohtani for a pitcher helps you win, then trade the best player who might’ve ever fantasy’d. Go to our Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer and analyze some trades. Win your leagues, young prematurely balding men and the women that love them!
