Yesterday, Michael King went 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 3.58. Oh my God, what an amazing impersonation of a 2012 starter. Let me guess…Gio Gonzalez! No? Okay, let me try again! Jeff Samardzija? I got it? Wow, that was good! So, King good? Which is different than Sofa King good, but only barely. Yes, he’s good, he has a 10.3 K/9, 3.7 BB/9, and propensity to give up homers. I kid about those 2012 starters, but there’s some truth there. He looks like a true throwback, but that won’t always translate to solid for fantasy. He’ll be prone to great games and very poor ones, i.e., he has four games already this year where he’s given up at least six unearned runs, and two six earned-run games. Helping him yesterday with some Dong Frescas of their own, Donovan Solano (2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd and 3rd homer, hitting .313). Donovan saying eff that Season of the Pitch crap! Buy/Sell for this week is already on the Patreon, and now I have to add in Solano because he’s Solayes! No, that didn’t work. Then, joining in the Dong Fresca-bration, Jackson Merrill (2-for-4 and his 4th and 5th homer). This was Merrill’s first good game since Opening Day in Korea, like an opposite Yamamoto. Call him Otomamay. Okay, I exaggerate, but Merrill has been super iffy for about two months. Yesterday, it was Jackson, but usually it’s been Jacksoff. Uhh… Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Hogan Harris – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.49. Went to look up Harris’s peripherals because I care about you and want you to make the right moves. Now for a dollar a day to Sally Struthers, I will tell you what I saw. Okay, fine! Just this once! Sorry, Sally! He looks awful under the hood.
Cavan Biggio – Acquired by the Dodgers. Damn, first the Dodgers steal Ohtani from the Angels and now Biggio. You will never get Miguel Sano! So, Biggio clouds the shituation with Gavin Lux when Muncy returns, but Lux clouded his own shituation when he failed to hit for the last five years. Miguel Vargas was also sent down. Next stop for him is Florida for Tanner Scott? Chicago for Luis Robert? We’ll see. Or not! Your choice.
Shohei Ohtani – 1-for-4 and his 17th homer. It is such a joy to watch him every day [turns on TV, reads message about the game being blacked out in your area].
Yordan Alvarez – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer. 36 more to go! Yeah, that’s never happening. I’d take 26 more at this point.
Framber Valdez – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.99. My middle name is “Mention Framber Only When He Does Poorly.” You can see why I leave it off of legal documents.
Davis Schneider – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 8th homer, hitting .229. He must’ve heard everyone in the comments wanting to drop him. Shame most of you forgot the number one stat to look at when dropping a player is “If I drop this player, he will become good.”
Chris Bassitt – 5 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners (4 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 3.56. Some of you might not care as long as the ERA results are fine, but he still is not right. A Bassitt with no command is “peeing on the Persian rug just to the left of the wee-wee pad.”
Tobias Myers – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.76. Have the Brewers ever developed a pitching prospect poorly? Not to answer to ruminate. Streamonator hates his next one, but it doesn’t scare me.
Willy Adames – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .246. I know what most guys are doing, give or take a few homers and some average, but I thought Adames had way more homers and was hitting for a way better average. Gotta be the runs/RBIs because he is 5th on the Player Rater for shortstops, and it’s not a weak field. Also, near-top 30 overall.
Braxton Garrett – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 6.10. What if, and hear me out here, they shut down all the Marlins until next year?
Francisco Lindor – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 11th homer. Mets said everyone is available in trades, adding, “Once they’re off this team, they’ll be good.”
Starling Marte – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .288. Not to inject reality into fantasy, but on the Player Rater, Marte is around top 70 overall. Otherwise known as way better than draft day price.
Nick Pivetta – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.88 vs. Cristopher Sanchez – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.07. This matchup was billed as, “Did me dirty/Sanchez.”
David Hamilton – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. He is hitting everything right now. If you take nothing else away from this post, pick up Hamilton in your league.
Henry Davis – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. Comatose Pirates Fan wakes for the first time since March, “That’s my boy Hammerin’ Hank Davis! Homerin’ Hank, right?! Damn, how many Dong Frescas does he have? 20? 30?”
Jake Irvin – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.00. Is the universe trying to tell me something? All my drafted starters who are doing poorly continue to do poorly — hey, Braxton Garrett! Mean’s while, on waivers, guys like Jake Irvin continue to do well.
CJ Abrams – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. Whenever he homers, I look at steals to see if he got a slam and legs, and instead I see Lane Thomas always down there. He’s on pace to steal, like, 40 bags.
Matt Vierling – 1-for-5 and his 8th homer. He was in a huge slump but more critically 15 people asked about dropping him yesterday, so he homered. Thank you to the 15! Could 15 of youse drop Corbin Carroll?
Riley Greene – 2-for-5 and his 12th homer, hitting .245. Garbage time homer counts the same, thank you very much.
Reese Olson – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.68. If you can’t pitch well vs. the Gnats at home, you don’t have to go home but you can’t stay on my fantasy teams.
Jose Siri – 2-for-4 and his 7th homer. Could someone ask Siri to hit above .200, as well?
Jose Caballero – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer. Caballero said after the game, “I saw Taylor Walls coming for my job, so I hit it over walls!”
Aaron Civale – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.20. ‘Member when he was a thing? I faintly do, I think. I might’ve imagined it.
Seiya Suzuki – 2-for-4 and a slam (8) and legs (4). Even better? No oblique injuries! (That I heard about.)
Cody Bellinger – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer. You know Cody, so I prefer to focus on how Counsell hit Morel and his .209 average leadoff yesterday. Teams win in spite of their managers, I swear.
Hector Neris – 1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 4.21, and barely escaped with the save. Not sure who’s next in the Cubs’ pen, but the closing job is slip slidin’ away from Neris. Our bullpen guy, JKJ, has the Cubs’ handcuff as Mark Leiter Jr. on his bullpen chart, and, well, I don’t know. Maybe. It’s a bit of a shituation if being honest.
Spencer Schwellenbach – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 6.32. Looked fine, but a report yesterday came out that the Braves are looking to acquire a Miles Mikolas-type to get their rookies out of their rotation.
Matt Olson – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. Please get freakin’ hot already! Give me 10 homers in 12 days, you giant bastage! If you could wake up Riley, Albies and Harris, that would be nice too.
Cade Povich – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.76. Watched most of this start, and he absolutely cruised. Was like vintage Povich with DNA tests and it returning he’s 100% that Povich. Sadly, the O’s have a terrible bullpen that they refuse to bolster by trading Santander.
Jeimer Candelario – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 10th and 11th homer, 2nd and 3rd homer in four games, and has carried a schmotato out of his series in Coors from last week.
Nick Lodolo – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.93. Quietly putting together a top 20 type season. I just jinxed the eff out of him, didn’t I? I can’t take it back either, can I? Damn it!
Tanner Bibee – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.94. You should see his xFIP for the game though! Woo boy! You don’t have xFIP in your league? What about xERA, as in you and your ERA broke up and you’re living with your new WHIP.
Bryan Woo – MRI came back clean. Oh nice, it was just one of those feel-good MRIs.
Bryce Miller – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.48. Sadly, he lost the win when the Mariners’ pen blew the game in the 9th. Their closer? No, silly, we don’t know who that is. Munoz had an injection — hey now! — and should be back in a few days.
Luke Raley – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 7th homer, 3rd homer this month, hitting around .280 in June. Raley? O, Raley.
Ketel Marte – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer, hitting .282. Knew he was doing well, but just checked the Player Rater. Nearly top 25 overall! Damn.
Jose Soriano – 8 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.48. Every other team’s manager is like, “Sorry, kid, we’re pulling you at 4 2/3. I know you have a six-run lead, but we have to protect your arm.” Ron Washington is blowing lines and letting it ride with Soriano that he doesn’t become Sore-arm-o.
Zach Neto – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. You say Neto, check your libido, and his game log to see he had a homer about a week ago.
Jo Adell – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer. At the end of the day (and hype), this seems to be what Adell is. A .210 hitter with pop and speed.
Cody Poteet – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.14. Singing his name to patty cake, “Poooooteeeeeee-tet-pooooooooteeeeeeeetet.” Actually picked up Pooteetang for this week, but sonavabench! I got cold Poofeet. He’s not actually good, if you needed me to tell you. Even Streamonator thinks it’s crazy to start him.
Giancarlo Stanton – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. One player who I don’t roster anywhere that I’m totally fine doing extraordinarily well. Get into the Hall of Fame, my giant dreamboat!
Gleyber Torres – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .231. Feels so overdue for an insane month.
Carlos Correa – 5-for-6, 3 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .290. It’s all well and good, but it was five singles and, before the game even ended, he was being sued by Juan Pierre for trademark infringement.
Royce Lewis – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in–Well, of course he has other homers in recent games. He’s only played in 9 games total.
Willi Castro – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 5th homer. In one league, I lost Treat Urner and I grabbed DeJong. In another league, I grabbed Castro. The DeJong league Trea Turnered out much better.
Pablo Lopez – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.33. His opponent, the Rockies are, pausing for emphasis, taking sweet time to find word, taps finger, looks around, finally: TERRIBLE. Pab-Lo looked barely passable. Call him Passable Pez. Passa Lopez? Meh, you know what I mean. He gave up a homer to Ryan McMahon that was an absolute meatball. Meatball Pez? Meh, forget the nickname! He does not look great.
Ryan McMahon – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 12th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Cool, I mean, hot, whatever. The Rockies’ lineup is so bad it’s hilarious. Their 5-hole hitter? Jacob Stallings. He has 27 homers in 484 career games. He’s on pace to break Bonds’ record in 2090 at the age of 100 under the lights, because day games were outlawed in 2077 when five players died in 145-degree heat.
