Braves are calling up one of their top pitching prospects, Spencer Schwellenbach, for today’s game. That’s right, Schwellenbach is a Braves’ pitching prospect, and not what the doctor says every time Brandon Lowe complains of lower back pain. “Sorry, your fourth and fifth vertebrae are pressing against each other. You have a Schwellenbach!” Kinda crappy of a doctor to do a Sean Connery impersonation while diagnosing someone. Any hoo! Here’s what Itch said about him, “A two-way college player, Schwellenbach has taken smoothly to becoming a full-time starting pitcher, covering 65 innings across two levels. He finished up with 13.2 dominant innings at High-A, where he held opponents to a 0.37 WHIP and .091 opponents batting average. He should have weapons against both sides of the plate as long as he’s commanding his upper-nineties fastball and off-speed mix of a plus slider and changeup. Let’s change things up and break into Grey’s house in the middle of the night.” Wait, what? Schwo, Schwellenbach schwlooks schwlike a schwnasty, schwnasty schwman. In minors this year, he went 45 IP, 51 Ks and 10 BBs with goofy low ratios. Prolly grabbing in most leagues to see if his stuff translates, but be schwcareful of schwroofies. Anyway, heres’ what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Max Fried – 8 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.97. Since his 2nd start of the season, Fried has a -.30 ERA. I think.
Marcell Ozuna – 1-for-4 and his 16th homer, hitting .309. If Ozuna hits 50 homers, and the Braves win the division, how does Ozuna not get serious MVP consideration? Would be a MLB PR nightmare almost as much as a bookmaker collecting the MVP trophy for Ohtani because he owes him.
James Wood – Hit the MiLB IL stint with a hammy strain. Sigh, there goes my Wood.
Jake Irvin – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.43. Think I said this about Streamonator already (maybe yesterday about Parker? I don’t know, you write 3000 words a day and remember everything you said), but vs the Braves is cushy, Irvin’s next one is not though.
Martin Perez – Hit the IL with Joey Bart. Or Bartin.
Ke’Bryan Hayes – Activated from the IL. Smo’Ke ’em if you got ’em.
Trevor Megill – Was hit by a comebacker on his elbow. He avoided a fracture, said Pat Murphy, during a 5-minute Irish toast. If Megill can’t go for a game or three, I guess Bryan Hudson, but it’s likely a committee.
Freddy Peralta – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.61. FreddyKBB was straight butter on toast, but was out-pitched by:
Ben Brown – 7 IP, 0 ER, 0 hits, 2 walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.72. As I said the other day, “Has anyone been pulled with a no-hitter in 7 IP or less prior to 2005? It used to be, “Wow, this guy’s thrown 120 pitches through 8 IP, will he go out for the 9th?” Now, it’s, “Welp, he reached 100 pitches, I don’t care how many innings it is.,” and as I kinda said previously, no longer is it a Maddux to throw 100 pitches or fewer for a CG SHO, it’s the only way anyone’s going to throw a CG SHO or no-hitter. And that’s me quoting and paraphrasing me! As for Brown, he’s making short work of the majors, similar to how he looked in the minors: 10.7 K/9, 3.3 BB/9, palindrome ERA for those into voodoo. He has only two pitches, which some have thought would exploit him as a starter, and it might still happen, but unfamiliar hitters are getting worked over. Can’t imagine holding him in 12-team mixed leagues and shallower, but he could be the next Luis Gil for a month or two.
Michael Busch – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. Also, yesterday, Miguel Vargas homered. Where you at Keibert Ruiz?!
DJ LeMahieu – 0-for-3, 1 run as he was activated from the IL. Deez Jutz went right into the lineup to play 3rd base, which further reaffirms my conspiracy theory about Aaron Boone. He’s so insecure he can’t have anyone good play 3rd base ever for the Yanks. Weakest position for them since 2018. Look it up.
Juan Soto – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer. Sexy Dr. Pepper hitting in front of Judge is so perfectly sexy.
Kevin Pillar – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, and 2nd homer in 4th game. A hot schmotato that’s been schmotato’ing for a second.
Tyler O’Neill – Missed his third straight game yesterday. Ooh…I know! I know! That’s Austin Riley! Damn, he’s good at charades!
Brayan Bello – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.18. I’m addicted to two-start starters, and I absolutely shouldn’t have started Bello in Baltimore, was cursing my reflection in a shallow pond when he gave up three earned in the first, then the pond said, “Upon reflection, he’ll be okay.” Cool pond! Thanks!
Wilyer Abreu – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer, hitting .283. Shame all I get is people commenting about dropping the future AL ROY. Maybe they think he’s Jose Abreu.
Rob Refsnyder – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, as he hits third, which could be significant for a schmotato if O’Neill is out for a while. Look at me giving actionable advice.
Mitch Spence – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 4 Ks, 3 WTFs, 2 who is this guy?’s and 1 player stats page click, ERA at 3.52. Looks like a master of the 84 MPH slide-piece, filth merchant of a 77 MPH curve, and worker of the 94 MPH fastball. Seems like a Streamonator call still in 12-team mixed leagues, but I’m interested in deeper leagues.
Miguel Andujar – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. Guess what team he’s on. Too easy? Wow, sounds like we have someone from Miguel Andujar’s family reading.
Zack Littell – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.03. At least Littell read the memo, “The Rays are inexplicably good.”
Josh Naylor – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 5 RBIs and his 14th and 15th homer, hitting .234. I don’t talk about Coors homers much because it’s Coors, but Josh Yay-lor!
David Fry – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (7) and legs (4), third homer this week, catcher eligibility bestowed on him by the Fantasy Baseball Overlord himself. Fry is the greatest to ever do it. My God, where did this guy come from? Heaven? A corn field in Iowa? McDonald’s?
Kris Bryant – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. “If that ain’t worth $180 million, I do not know what is!” That’s a 4-year-old who doesn’t know what money is.
Kevin Gausman – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.14. This start was vs. the White Sux, and, boy, would I have loved to see 9 IP, 0 ER, 12 Ks. Or boy-o, if a Jet or Shark is reading.
Mike Clevinger – Hit the IL with dysentery after so many people told him to eat shit, and Jake Woodford was called up. The Woodford Reserve never disappoints, unless, of course, you want a decent pitcher, then he might.
Zack Wheeler – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.32. When he’s the 1st pitcher drafted next year in the top 15, people are actually going to think it’s a smart move.
LaMonte Wade Jr. – Hit the IL with hamstring strain. Shame, he has Mat Gamelitis. IYKYK.
Andrew Abbott – 6 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.29. Regression Fairies really sharpen their claws when a pitcher is left in for an inning too long.
Will Benson – 1-for-1 and his 8th homer. Just glanced at the Reds’ lineup and they are hitting around a collective .205. It’s a guess, but I don’t think I’m far off.
Kyle Gibson – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.60. Of course, I just dropped him because I didn’t like the matchup of him going to Great American Smallpark. Of course, I did! Though, it was for Jose Quintana, who pitched fine.
Nolan Arenado – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Check this out, I have a book called, “Arenado Is So Cooked, Can you Sell Him In Your League?” It’s over by this open window–NOOOOO!!! Torenado!
Nolan Gorman – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, 2nd homer in five games. Mr. Hot Schmotato risin’! Gonna keep on risin’!
Simeon Woods Richardson – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.70. It’s very hard to find terrible pitchers, but I feel like I’ve managed to do it (still feeling the affects of the Charlie Morton mauling).
Tyler Glasnow – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners (4 BBs), 8 Ks, ERA at 3.04. Through two innings, I was already assuming he was going to throw a no-hitter because: Mets.
Gavin Stone – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.16. Solid, great, adjective, but, wow, the Mets are bad, terrible, adjective.
Freddie Freeman – 4-for-8 and his 6th homer, hitting .297. Watched that homer in Game 1 and it was such a meatball that he should’ve had a waiter follow him around the bases asking if he wanted grated cheese on it.
Francisco Lindor – 2-for-9, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .210, as he continues to hit leadoff, which feels akin to when your parents caught you smoking, so they put you in the closet until you finished the whole pack.
Adam Ottavino – 1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 3.86, and the blown save. Being used as the Mets closer, and that’s going as well as Edwin.
Tylor Megill – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 1.69. In a game of Tyler vs. Tylor to make Siri glitch, it was Tylor emerging better, but still a no decision. Streamonator likes his next start a little bit, but beyond that he’s moving into rosterable in even the shallowest of leagues (11.3 K/9, 3.4 BB/9, but still small sample).
Jurickson Profar – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer. He’s a top 25 player on the Player Rater. That’s it, that’s the blurb.
Matt Waldron – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.26. Home vs. the MIA Marlins? Yes, please, and don’t mind if I do!
Ryan Bliss – 0-for-2, 1 run as he was called up the other day. Saw he was called up and didn’t think much of it, but looked at his stats (7 HRs, 28 SBs in 50 Triple-A games) and began to believe in Bliss, then I saw he hit .247 in Triple-A and I raspberried by lipss.
Hunter Brown – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 6.39. If you’re starting a pitcher with a 6+ ERA, then you have dull marbles boinking around in the cantaloupe.
Nathan Eovaldi – 3 IP, 2 ER, as he was activated from the IL. Too late to activate for my weekly league, which is all right when I see it was essentially a rehab start.
Corey Seager – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer, and third homer in two games. Wow, Seager, have a May.
Wyatt Langford – 0-for-3 as he was activated from the IL. What’s funny here is in a corresponding move was the Rangers IL’ing Evan Carter. Why? Oh, because he’s sucked for almost two months. Is that the real reason? Yes. Fake reason? I don’t know, they likely said a sore back or something. ‘Member when they suspended Billy Eppler for making up fake injuries and everyone was like, “Yeah, no more fake injuries?” Turned out that fake news was fake.
Josh Gibson – [you scrambling to pick up a player who’s been dead for almost 80 years] Not sure if people heard, but MLB is incorporating Negro Leagues stats into MLB stats. That means Josh Gibson takes over a lot of the top MLB stats, which is something since he never played MLB. Of course, I know why he didn’t play in MLB, but he didn’t accumulate MLB stats. Call them all-league stats, or something else. I’m sure this happened because Rob Manfred loved the idea of including Negro Leaguers after he heard it would screw over Barry Bonds. No irony there. Listen, if Elly De La Cruz steals 131 bags this year, is it the same as Rickey Henderson’s 130? If no one ever wins 200 games again, is Cy Young’s win total any sorta arbiter of greatness for today? Rules, competition and conditioning changes. All stats are meaningless without context. Eat Arby’s.
