It’s not a great sign when you have one moment every month where it seems like you’ve finally woken up, then immediately go back to sleep. Could Nick Castellanos (2-for-4 and his 5th homer, hitting .206), the Greek God of Hard Contact be at his mother’s diner being served toast? Is no longer a gyro of the people? Since a short-schedule day, let’s dig in. [opens Castellanos’s Statcast page, vomits and the vomit spells out “Cooked”] Damn, when my vomit is spelling out derogatory things, you know it’s not good.
His average exit velocity is 87.6 MPH. That’s like one of those car commercials where they’re being passed by joggers. Nick Castellanos is a Kia Sorento. Call him Nickia Castsorentos. Maybe he can come out of it, but he’s had a year that looked that bad before in Statcast and he never came out of it. All year, a lost year. I’d try to get out of the Kia before speed-walking elderly people pass you. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jeff Hoffman – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1.25, and his 4th save. He’s the setup man nine out of ten times, but I’ve also held him in all leagues for the last month-plus because he’s currently around a top 20 RP on the Player Rater. Don’t hassle the Hoff!
Zack Wheeler – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.53. Not bad. No Ranger Suarez, but who is?
J.T. Realmuto – 1-for-3 and his 7th homer, hitting .285. Jerry Tomato catsup’d to that pitch!
Jon Gray – Hit the IL with a mild groin strain. TMI!
Adolis Garcia – 1-for-3 and his 12th homer, hitting .253. Not totally related, but seeing Adolis in the box score, and my eyes shifted up to Evan Carter (0-for-3, hitting .197). Member him? Carter was replaced by Grossman and handshake emoji, same. By the way, Rangers’ catcher shituation is Heim/Knizner, which is so close to Hymie/Knish, I love it for that reason alone. L’chaim knish!
AJ Smith-Shawver – 4 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, as he was recalled from Triple-A. With Elder out, ASS could be the Braves’ 5th starter. ASS also a large crack in his game: zero command. Best case: Luis Gil. Worst case: I said, zero command!
Jarred Kelenic – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer. Ya know what’s kinda interesting with Kelenic? He felt like he was going to be crazy upside or down side. If he failed to connect, he was going to hit .190 and struggle. If he figured out his contact, he was going to blossom into a star. Now? He’s just meh. Neither here nor there. Not crazy up or down side, just inconsequential.
Nick Martini – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Who picked him up for a batty call? This guy with two thumbs pointed directly into his ears and making moose ears with his fingers.
Elly De La Cruz – 1-for-5, 31st steal, hitting .254. In May: 33% K%, .333 BABIP, .222, 13 steals. Somehow I’ve become an E! defender now. As long as he’s Wild On! the basepaths, it’s hard to hate the 30/90 pace.
Jacob Hurtubise – 1-for-2, 1 run, 1 RBI and 1st steal, as he hits leadoff, because Dumb Bell thinks if one guy replaces a leadoff hitter, it makes him a leadoff hitter. So, who is Hurtubise? He sounds like when someone clips their nails over a pan at a restaurant. That’s gonna Hurtubise! He’s got 70-steal speed and might hit for a decent average with zero power. It’s an interesting profile for deeper leagues while the Reds wait for Friedl.
Frankie Montas – 6 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.61. Good news is his ERA is low for how bad he’s pitching. Wait, is that good news?
Matt Waldron – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.86. Streamonator is a little bit positive fro Waldron’s next and I could see it, because it’s vs. the Marlins, who are MIA, and I ain’t talking their city.
Jack Suwinski – Optioned to Triple-A. You might Suwinski some, but you just lost one.
Andrew McCutchen – 2-for-5 and his 7th homer. McClutchin’ His Knee is so improperly cast as the leadoff guy in the Pirates’ lineup it makes me nuts. [tips head over, out pours pistachios]
Bryan Reynolds – 3-for-5 and his 7th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Even yawnstipating has moments in the sun.
Paul Skenes – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.25. Only three Ks, and some hard contact, but he’s also a straight gas merchant who looks as nasty as any pitcher has ever looked.
Matt Chapman – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .282 in May, hitting near-.500 in the last week, and there’s no one else who’s been anywhere near as hot. May the schmotato stay with him.
Joey Bart – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer. This was against his former team, the Giants, and now he’s on the Pirates. Bart, the Reverse Barry Bonds. Call him Barty Bonds.
Heliot Ramos – 2-for-4, and his 2nd homer. Luis Matos, everyone’s favorite Giants’ call-up, has looked great, and will be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but everyone is sleeping on Heliot.
Esteury Ruiz – Hit the IL with a strained wrist. The injury happened to his wrist on the team bus when returning a goodbye wave to the front office.
Daz Cameron – 2-for-5, 2 runs, and his 1st homer, as he was recalled to take over for Esteury Ruiz. Get your wave in ship-shape! Ruiz couldn’t find any sorta playing time, and now watch his inferior replacement Cameron play every day.
J.D. Davis – 2-for-6, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in the last three games. Looks like Jonathan Davis Davis is a small-time schmotato, but you’ll have to excuse me if I can’t generate enthusiasm.
JJ Bleday – 1-for-6, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, and his 2nd homer in as many games. See Jonathan Davis Davis blurb but change name to Jonathan Jonathan Bleday.
Mason Miller – 1 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 2.05. “Peeeeee-ewe! What a stinker! Seriously, how is he in the majors? Against the Rockies? Whack!” That’s the Comatose Mason Miller owner who woke yesterday.
Shane Baz – Activated from the IL and optioned to the minors. Ugh, the worst move a team can do for fantasy owners. The IL stash that turns into “You must adjust your lineup before making that move.”
Kevin Gausman – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.47. Only game on so I watched it, and he looked great, but then I got wondering if it wasn’t just the Tigers are awful, then I started wondering, isn’t nearly every team’s hitting awful?
Isiah Kiner-Falefa – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer. Israeli Diner Falafel was a single and double short of the cycle, but much like falafel is chickpea, it shouldn’t excite you.
Daulton Varsho – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. Varsho is the Jays’ best hitter, and I’m not sure it’s very close. By the by, Springer? He got so old. He can’t catch up to fastballs. Absolutely, droppable in shallower leagues.
Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Hey, one love, but how does Cake Batter only have five homers? He is so boring.
Alex Lange – Optioned to the minor leagues after a tantrum on Wednesday that wasn’t televised, which answers the question: If a tantrum isn’t aired, does it happen?
Jack Flaherty – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.84. Funny what you get when you watch the games, Flaherty’s line is worse than Gausman, but Flaherty looked so much better.
John Means – Hit the IL with a forearm strain. Welp, that Means: Done.
Grayson Rodriguez – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners (5 BBs), 7 Ks, ERA at 3.20. The White Sux, son? The White Sux? C’mon, baby boy. Tighten [handclap emoji] that [handclap emoji] shizz [handclap emoji] up!
Anthony Santander – 1-for-5 and his 8th homer, hitting .206. Trade him for a reliever yesterday, please!
Jorge Mateo – 1-for-2, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (3) and legs (8, 9). Mateo is like the Everlasting Bunny of fantasy value. Every time you think, “Meh, he’s cooked, and Jackson Holliday’s getting promoted this year,” Mateo just keeps on trucking.
Aaron Judge – 2-for-2, 2 runs and his 15th homer. And you were worried about him! (I was too.) Here’s the thing though, what you’re feeling with Judge if you don’t roster him: The tinge of regret you didn’t try to buy him low. Yes, you will have that for JRod at some point too.
Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-3 and his 12th homer. Statcast said his Blast was a 112.1 MPH Blast that only was a Blast because they called the Blast a Blast. By the way, about these new stats. Ya know a little problem is when common parlance uses a word you’re trying to introduce. For unstints, you see a shot on TV and say, “Wow, what a Blast,” and now you’re gonna have some nerd say, “No, that was only a home run.”
Luis Gil – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners (2 BBs), 8 Ks, ERA at 2.11. Not usually my MO to highly tout Yankees, especially not the constant screaming of, “This guy is underrated,” but have you seen Gil pitch? He looks as good as anyone. Going back to when I told you to grab him in April, over a month ago, he looks like an ace. I don’t randomly say this about every Tom, Dick and Schmohawk. Jared Jones, Skenes and Gil? Dazzlers, all three.
Julio Rodriguez – 0-for-4 as he was moved down to 6th spot in the order. Yeah, he’s no Dylan Moore or Dominic Canzone. Is Scott Servais punishing J-Rod for something? For not hitting more homers? So, if he had two more homers, would that be enough homers? Entering playing he was hitting .263 and Canzone, who hit in front of him, was hitting .217. Moore, who was moved to the 2-hole, was hitting .252. JRod has been unlucky with power, he should be hitting for more power, and is a solid Buy Low, but all that aside, you have to have certain loyalty to “your guys.” Aaron Judge never hit 6th when he was struggling. You have to ride or die with certain players. Through thick and thin, JRod is the Mariners guy, and you can’t punish him. It’s how resentments start and slumps get prolonged. Shortsighted garbage. I’m so mad!
