Slather me in Mayo and call me tuna fish! Douse me in Hellmann’s and tell me which circle I’m in! Throw a piece of crumpled paper towards the wastebasket and call me Coby! From your mouth to my ears, please tell me I read correctly that the O’s are calling up Coby Mayo. I did? Oh, I am a very good boy, I am! Thank you, Daddy Duke’s! Serious question: Hellmann’s, Miracle Whip, Kewpie, Duke’s or Coby? So, Coby Mayo has boku power. Looks like a 40-homer power hitter in most parks, prolly 3o-ish homers in Camden. Maybe they can move the fences in again for next year. I’m not being facetious when I say I wouldn’t be shocked if he’s up for only a week or two or platoons. There’s a very real chance the O’s want to keep his at-bats below the rookie threshold so he can win them an extra draft pick next year if he wins Rookie of the Year. It’s a remote possibility, but I just want to give it to you. With that said, I would grab him everywhere. Mayo could possibly be a difference maker for power and that BLT. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Vinnie Pasquantino – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 13th and 14th homer. Hey yo hey, it’s Vinnie Pasketti and my best friend, Al Dente. Hey, Al tell the people what you want to see? [Al stares straight ahead] Hold on, everybody, Al Dente might not be ready yet. [throws Al Dente against a wall and he sticks] Geez, woulda look at that? He sure seemed ready. Well, guess what, everybody, I’m Vinnie Pasketti and I’ll be your main contributor tonight. Say hello to me. Hello back, if you freakin’ said hello, I’m Pasketti, I don’t have ears. Okay, last night I hit two homers, hey oh, the ladies enjoy this, I am told. Woulda look at that? It’s time for me to get sauced. I’m Vinnie Pasketti and I am out. So, Vinnie Pasquantino hit two more homers last night, after he hit one yesterday when I said something like, he was the most weak-noodled Pasketti I’d ever seen. Today doesn’t magically make him better, but his Statcast is way better than I expected and he really has an unfortunate home run swing for some parks. Even more unfortunate, his park is one. He has 12 homers if all hit in KC but 21 if he’s a Yankee. Hilariously, he’d have 8 HRs if he were a Red Sox player. Vinnie is a pull lefty that hits all fly balls that roughly go “what’s a double in the stadium I’m in.” If you’re hungry for quality contact but not necessarily great power, Pasketti will fill you up.
Seth Lugo – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.57. When Seth Lugo gets Cy Young votes, I will howl extremely loud.
Bobby Witt Jr. – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer. He’s hitting three-fifty. Not a typo. He is hitting .350.
Jose Ramirez – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 28th homer. We don’t watch the Guards enough. Yesterday, with no games on, but Olympics recaps, I tuned in, and dropped out like Gil Scott Heron. Only I didn’t drop out of society, I dropped out of The Matrix. I began to see clearly. No more green dot matrix numbers on my screen. The O’s faded away and what was left was the Guards being wildly good, bro and five ladies. Top to bottom lineup: Steven Kwan (2-for-5, 1 run), he’s Simone Biles with a slap-bat; JoJoRam is Simone Biles with a power bat; Bo Naylor (1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer) is Biles with a brother, Josh (2-for-3, 2 runs), and David Fry (1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer) is Simone Biles if she wasn’t 4’8″, played baseball and was a passable hitter because of catcher eligibility. Then:
Ben Lively 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.42. Showed why he’s the Simone Biles of dependable starters. On a team where I have Gerrit Cole, Robbie Ray, Bryan Bello, Clayton Kershaw, and Jose Berrios, Lively’s my most dependable. Like these Riddler pajamas I’m wearing, I see question marks on Lively — he’s 32, he has a 7.7 K/9 and 2.6 BB/9, a fly-ball approach — but what’s working here is limiting hard contact with three quality pitches and five total. Is Lively the Biles of all pitchers? I’m not sure he’s the Simone Biles of number fours, but what he’s doing is working.
Tanner Bibee – Start pushed back due to shoulder soreness. Hello, darkness, my old friend. On a related note, I watched a two-part, three-hour Paul Simon doc the other day, and the open contempt him and Garfunkel have for each other is so funny. Paul’s like, “I don’t care if I ever see him again.” I cackled. As for Bibee, this sounds super precautionary, but we shall see.
Trevor Rogers – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.76. The Braintrust in Baltimore watching Rogers pitching, nodding, “Yes, excellent, it’s subtraction by addition.”
Anthony Santander – 1-for-4 and his 32nd homer. I just realized something wild yesterday. O’s good team, right? Yeah, they are. It’s not a trick question. Their top guy on the Player Rater? Gunnar Henderson, obviously. But #2? Almost as easily it’s Santander.
Cristian Pache – Designated for assignment by the Orioles. Few days ago, O’s traded Austin Hays for Seranthony and Pache. The Phils traded away Seranthony and “we’ll give you Seranthony for Hays if you take Pache, we can’t stand the thought of hurting his feelings and DFA’ing him.”
Heston Kjerstad – Optioned to the minors. O’s Triple-A team would beat the White Sox in a best of seven series.
Paul Goldschmidt – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 17th homer. Au Shizz!
Masyn Winn – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, 2nd homer in three games. Fun fact! You transpose the I and Y to Masin Wynn and it becomes Y I gotta that crazy shizz at The Wynn.
Sonny Gray – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.72. Frequent commenter, VinWins, mentioned yesterday how the Cubs have more games of losing in a game that produced a top 100 start than any other team. An impressive feat of futility when you consider the White Sux exist. The Cubs are not a very good team.
Ryan Helsley – 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 2.70. Been solid this year, shame he had to do this giant turd when my man Gray was pitching! Is it me or does Sonny Gray have more no decisions than anyone in the last two years?
Cody Bellinger – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 11th homer, hitting .280, and 2nd homer in three games. He tied JRod with 11 homers. Okay, I need to stop with that. I like JRod still, but he so bummed me out this year.
Seiya Suzuki – 2-for-4 and his 16th homer, hitting .273. Seiya ball!
Shota Imanaga – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.09. In March, we were worried about his command. He has a 1.3 BB/9.
Jake Burger – 2-for-3, 1 RBI. Marlins are a mess, but I regret to inform, Burger’s been hot. Roughly 135-internal that comes up to a perfect medium-rare. He should be in this afternoon’s Buy column, will he be? No, he’s here right now.
Max Meyer – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.81. Marlins sent Meyer down earlier this year to stop his arbitration clock. Now, he’s back with tumbleweeds behind him, but for how long? Good question. I’d shut him down already. Not sure why he’s pitching.
Orlando Arcia – 1-for-3 and his 10th homer, and 3rd homer since Sunday. A schmotato who should likely be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but I think he’s an omission. Sue me for my 1978 O-Pee-Chee set!
Austin Riley – 1-for-4 and his 15th homer, and 2nd homer in five games. Oh man, you gotta get hotter than that! Like this guy:
Matt Olson – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer, and 3rd homer in two games. Ya know what’s funny about Olson getting hot now? All his owners are prolly already on fantasy football.
Charlie Morton – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.94. Yeah, it was vs. the MIA Marlins.
Grant Holmes – Will start on Saturday for the Braves vs. the Marlins. To find Holmes info on the site, I had to go back to Prospector Geoff in 2018! He said, “If you like mops of ginger hair, and mid-rotation upside, boy do I have the prospect for you! Reader meet Grant Holmes! An intriguing profile, but a frustrating talent, Holmes misses bats at a strikeout per inning rate, but is far too hittable, particularly when he lives middle-middle on a regular basis. Fastball command is an issue, if he can take a step forward in 2018 in that department it could be a deadly combination with his plus curveball. Holmes isn’t a player I’m chasing in dynasty, but he has value as a depth arm with upside in the right format, say 24 teams+ 250+ minors owned. ETA: 2019.” Amazing. He’s actually been great in the minors this year, but he’s so old (28) that he could be like the 19-year-old on your Little League team with a fake birth certificate. “Says here you were born in 2012…but you have a goatee?” “Yeah, I’m Albanian.” Any hoo! Could see streaming value for Holmes, i.e., Streamonator, homes.
Michael Toglia – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer, and 10 homers since July 1st. Not saying I’m not missing Triston Casas, or wondering if he’s all right after quitting baseball to join a circus, but Toglia’s been a solid fill-in.
Mickey Moniak – 2-for-4 and his 7th homer. He truly sucks, and plays every single game hitting in front of Zach Neto. Choosing to ignore Ron Washington randomly inserted Michael Stefanic in the two-hole.
Logan O’Hoppe – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer, 2nd homer in two games. O’Hotte.
Hunter Strickland – 1 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.35, and the blown save. This is going to shock you. You might want to sit down. Are you ready? Ben Joyce might actually be a better closer than Hunter Strickland. Crazy, I know!
Mike Trout – Done for the year with a meniscus tear. Every Mike Trout update makes want to savor every moment of every day. Sincere-posting, take nothing for granted. So, Mike Trout is on the board at 150th overall next year after looking good in Spring Training, you taking him? The answer is: Yes. Absolutely. By now you should realize how many waiver wire guys you cycle through each year. You take six weeks of Mike Trout and then find someone on waivers afterwards, and, if you only get one week, you go to waivers immediately. Whatever, the risk was worth it. If you get two or three months of Trout, it’s all butter. Sweet, sweet miso butter. Miso hungry for Trout.
