For Mother’s Day, MLB uses pink bats. My suggestion for Father’s Day is bats with hairy bags hanging off the handle. This suggestion appears to fall on deaf ears, even though I go through the proper channels, filling out all the comment cards in the lobby at MLB headquarters. Even chitchatting with Jim, at security, for way longer than most people! No one hears my suggestions! Shoot, I was typing that instead of saying it out loud in the lobby. Hmm, my bad. Hope everyone’s Father’s Day was nice, with a special shoutout to the fathers who are “yelling at cars on their street to slow down” years old. You know who you are (all of you). So, to honor all fathers, Royce Lewis (3-for-7, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th and 7th homer) told pitchers he’s their daddy and mashed the patriarchy. He is a .400 hitter with 70-homer power if you prorate his 15 games played every year. Imagining Royce Lewis in other areas of life: “Ooh, Royce, that was the best five seconds of my life.” “I know, baby, now imagine that for a good hour.” “Royce, we love this amuse bouche.” “That’s no amuse whatever, that’s your entrée.” “Royce, it says on the odometer you only drove the car for one mile, are you sure you want to sell it?” [car immediately falls apart] That is kinda the entire Twins’ organizational MO. Also yesterday, Carlos Correa (5-for-10, 4 RBIs) hit his 7th and 8th homer. He looks headed for a career year, until he misses two months with plantar fasciitis. Twins’ hitters are great, just don’t blink. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Bailey Ober – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.81. Prefer to see that than whatever dreck he’s been doing, but you crazy eh-eff if you think one start vs. the A’ss made Ober right in my mind.
Carlos Santana – 3-for-6, 2 runs, 2 RBIs had a slam (11) and legs (2). Oye como yay!
Tyler Soderstrom – 4-for-8, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, and 4th homer in the week. Soderstrom might conjure sparkling water, but he’s just sparkling. Ironically, if you miss on him, you’re gonna be all wet.
JJ Bleday – 6-for-9, 2 runs and his 10th homer, hitting .254. Nice Bleday, try for a nice Bleweek.
Kyle Bradish – Hit the IL with a UCL sprain. Damn, this makes it 1-for-561 for pitchers trying to rest and rehab back. Batting about the same as Javy Baez on sliders.
Gunnar Henderson – 1-for-5 and his 22nd homer. That’s his 10th career leadoff homer, and 8th this season. He’s on pace for 50 homers. [drawing sideburns on my Gunnar poster] You are Brady Anderson now, my beautiful boy.
Colton Cowser – 2-for-2, 2 RBIs, and a slam (9) and legs (5). Also, in this game, Adley Rutschman (1-for-5, hitting .289) hit his 14th homer, and Jordan Westburg (2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs, hitting .278) hit his 11th homer. Imagine if the O’s didn’t move their fences back 1.2 square miles.
Zack Wheeler – 4 1/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 2.84. Ugh, now for the rest of the year I have to do the math for what Wheeler’s ERA would be without this blowup.
Erick Fedde – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.09. He’s pitching better than pitchers who I drafted as my ace. Smiling emoji with a small glint of sadness in its eyes that starts sobbing uncontrollably in Pottery Barn when it hears Ace of Base’s All That She Wants.
Drew Thorpe – 3 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 8.64. This was me on Sunday: “Ooh, I have to bid on Thorpe in FAAB!” 20 minutes later, “Hmm, I’ll lower my bid…” 20 minutes later, “Uh, lowering it a little more…” 20 minutes later, “Maybe I don’t bid on him.”
Jordan Montgomery – 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 6.00. Hey, are we finally out of Spring Training?
Christian Walker – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 16th homer, hitting .257. There’s gonna be people drafting Vlad Jr. before Walker next year and I am going to become The Joker.
Michael Harris II – Hit the IL with a hamstring strain. Braves are cursed, man! I don’t know what’s going on there, but they need a serious clubhouse smudging.
Jarred Kelenic – 1-for-5 and his 6th homer, 2nd homer in as many games, as he hits leadoff for the 2nd straight game since Harris II went down. Have to imagine that Kelenic will move down the lineup vs. lefties, but a boost of fantasy value if he’s hitting leadoff vs. righties.
Austin Riley – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, 3rd homer in three games. Get your hands and feet in from that Buy Low window, it’s closing!
Ryan Pepiot – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.57. A gem compared to Littell on Friday.
Jose Siri – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, 2nd homer in five games, and has three of four multi-hit games leading up to this. Hot schmotato alert!
Brandon Lowe – 2-for-3 and his 4th homer, 2nd homer in the last five games. B-Lowe might be heating up, but if you have J-Lowe and B-Lowe, you’re below everyone in your league.
Shota Imanaga – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.89. Mike Imanaga II said, “Rookie of the year sounds nice, but Cy sounds better.”
Jameson Taillon – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.08. For what it’s Wuertz, Streamonator hates his next one, and I don’t trust Taillon fully, but would start him.
Pedro Pages – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, 2nd homer in three games. Willson Contreras is due back shortly, so this is irrelevant, but at some point in the last week Ivan Herrera just suddenly stopped playing.
Miles Mikolas– 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.59. Now back-to-back great starts, and five straight Quality Starts, and he was at the top of my FAAB waivers this week, but I feel like I’m a week too late to build a dollar.
Spencer Arrighetti – 1 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 6.37. Trip to the Seven-ghetti, screaming, “Ghetti that shizz safari away from me!”
Ronel Blanco – 7 IP, 0 ER, 0 hits, 3 walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.43. Y’all heard about ghost runners in extras, and the pitch clock, but those rules overshadowed the other new rule: Ronel Blanco is the only one allowed to throw no-hitters. Subscribe to Rob Manfred’s Substack and you hear about all these.
Jose Altuve – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (11) and legs (10), hitting .299. Jose Altuve > Joe Morgan, right?
Carlos Rodon – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.28. Granted, this was the first full start of his I watched all year, but he looked so hittable.
Jasson Dominguez – Hit the IL in the minors and Jackson Holliday hit the MiLB IL and prospects are cursed this year! Though, I’m excited to see Loperfido again. I have a problem!
Aaron Judge – 1-for-4 and his 26th homer. If he didn’t take April off, he’d have 50 homers already.
Jose Trevino – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer, 2nd homer in as many games, and 3rd homer this week. Schmotato? Sure, if the Yanks are totally batshizz crazy to start him. Red Sox stole nine bags off him! Even Dom Smith stole a bag! David Hamilton (2-for-4, 3 runs, 1 RBI) stole four bags alone. My God, I love David Hamilton. He’s gonna steal 50 bags in 100 games.
Kutter Crawford – 6 IP, 3 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.54. He was the Sawx starter I wrote the sleeper post about. Just in case we forgot.
Ben Lively – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.02. Considering I’ve started him for the better part of a month, can’t Benlive this was his first blow up.
Daniel Scheemann – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, as he filled in for Jose Ramirez, who’s on paternity leave. See that, it’s not Jo-Ram who is great, it’s the Guards’ 3rd base position. It all started with the Superfluous H, Jhonny Peralta.
Yimi Garcia – 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 2.57. Ever since he was put in the closer role, his results have been less than ideal. You got it, Yimi is a Cuddle Boy! Jays might look more at Nate Pearson (1/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 4.23), who got his 2nd save yesterday.
Daulton Varsho – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 11th homer. 1st homer since May 26th, but he does tend to get schmotatoey when he hits one.
Yoshinobu Yamamoto – Headed to the IL with a strained rotator cuff. It’s not season-ending, but it’s likely a two-month injury. Fantasy Baseball Overlord, you freakin’ bastard! This got me thinking, anyone seen from Bobby Miller in, like, the last two months? Oh, he’s coming back this Wednesday? Nice! It has been a while–What? He’s returning to start in Coors? Why?
Shohei Ohtani – 2-for-3 and his 18th and 19th homer. On Father’s Day makes him my daddy. Sorry, I make the rules! Can I have your DraftKings account deets, daddy?
Mookie Betts – Placed on the IL with a fractured left hand. Hit on the hand by a 98 MPH fastball. Who was the pitcher and what’s his address? I’m just curious. Brutal injury won’t require surgery, but I’d guess it’ll knock Betts out until mid-August, at least. Miguel Vargas is rejoining the Dodgers, but they never play him, so Miguel Rojas will get the majority of the playing time.
DJ Herz – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 13 Ks, ERA at 3.77. Fun fact! DJ Hertz is the guy at the rental car place who is like, “Yo, you gotta listen to this,” then puts on a Shaboozey remix. DJ Herz, however, is a three-pitch pitcher, who makes bread without a pandemic sourdough starter, by throwing a 81 MPH change off his 91 MPH fastball. Put fast in quotes on that. He’s not DJ ScHerzer. Command has been awful in the minors, so I’m only intrigued in 15-team mixed or deeper, and mostly deeper. The big takeaway from Herz’s dominance on Saturday is the Marlins are worse than most minor league teams. Streamonator has him going to Coors next so that’s an automatic no thanks.
Lane Thomas – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer, and 3rd straight game with a homer. [making note to self] Two more and we start to defrost Dale Long.
Jacob Young – 2-for-3 and his 1st homer. Zero steals in June, and growing old waiting for Young to just steal.
Mitchell Parker – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.06 vs. Jesus Luzardo – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 5.00. Feels batshizz crazy to say Parker, and his 3.06 ERA, is a Streamonator, but Luzardo is somehow an ace in disguise.
Tyler Locklear – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer. Hopefully Ty France is being Pipp’d.
Logan Gilbert – 8 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.93, moving his record to 4-4. El oh–[coughs]–gan.
Andrew Abbott – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.42. At some point, the Regression Fairies are going to attack Abbott with the fury of a 1,000 Costellos.
Elly De La Cruz – 2-for-3, 3 runs and a slam (12) and legs (36), hitting .235. Saw him score from 2nd on a throw that went into the outfield and I sighed, but under my sigh you could hear me say, “I remember Oneil Cruz being able to do that.”
Spencer Steer – 2-for-4 and his 8th homer, hitting .236. Just opened his player page and my eyeballs fell onto the ground at how much of a Buy Low he is. Sadly, I don’t know where my eyes are now. Did they roll under my desk? Can you see them? Hello?
Colin Rea – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.29. Just gave you my Colin Rea fantasy (it was a slow news day).
Kyle Harrison – Hit the IL with an ankle sprain. Never seen this happen to cankles!
Keaton Winn – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 6.66. Oh my God, he’s the devil! One of the few pitchers whose ERA should be lower, like in hell!
Jorge Soler – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 8th homer, and hitting near-.300 in the month of June. Looking for a Buy Low? Add him where the Soler don’t shine!
Camilo Doval – 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.88. This is just me mentioning Doval because of how much he sucks. Nothing else to add. I just hate him.
Nolan Schanuel – 1-for-2, 2 runs and his 8h homer. Just checked the Player Rater the other day for how well Schanuel was doing and he was No. Schwell.
Francisco Lindor – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting near-.285 since moved to the leadoff spot (109 ABs ago). It took great faith* to move him there but it’s paid off. (*Stupidity.)
Pete Alonso – 2-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 15th homer. Albombso!
Dylan Cease – 3 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 3.95. You come for the Mets and you will Grimace.
Mr and Mrs Met have a new third every week pic.twitter.com/jxFzFXMRib
— Razzball (@Razzball) June 15, 2024
Adam Mazur – 3 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners (6 BBs), 4 Ks, ERA at 7.82. Oh no, it’s Mazur’s alter ego, it’s Mazurk! With your crossed eyes making it impossible for you to see the plate, please spare my barn made of glass, Mazurk! [he throws a fastball, misses the broadside of the barn] Thanks, Mazurk!
