It’s the 16th Annual Razzballies! Wow! They’re old enough to smoke weed, drink beer while pretending not to drink beer and smoke weed! Welcome back to our year-end awards show! If there’s any issues with the award ballots, don’t look at me. These were all tabulated at the accounting firm of Fried, Tellez and Bregman. Stop giving them the evil eye, German Marquez! You might be wondering why I’m hosting. Well, at the last minute our other host had to back out. Sadly, Joe Buck couldn’t be hair. I mean here. HAHA…Wait a second! I just want to thank everyone. I appreciate all of you, except Bo Bichette. That guy took it literally when someone told him to get lost! Okay, enough foolery, Tommy boy, now onto the awards, without which you’d have no idea who was the best and worst hitters and pitchers this year, and you’d be left giving out your own awards and no one cares if your “Low sodium tomato soup in a sourdough bowl” won your “Whitest Lunch Of All-Time” award. Stop making up fake awards! Leave that to me! Anyway, here’s the year-end awards for the best and worst of 2024 fantasy baseball:
Fantasy NL Most Valuable Player – Thinking about starting a land war in Asia in an alternative universe where Shohei Ohtani was not allowed to come to MLB. Don’t worry, we’re in the right timeline now. Thanks to me! I’m like Dr. Who meets Dr. Who Gives A F*ck. So, this is truly incredible. Not only do we have a top player overall from the NL, as we did last year with Acuña, but we have a top player of all-time on the Historical Player Rater (once Rudy updates it this offseason). The last three years have been wild for top hitting seasons of all-time. We started with Judge, then onto the aforementioned Tildaddy and Ohtani. It took more than 100 years for a season to crack the best seasons of all-time, and now we have it back-to-back-to-back years from three different players? That seems unreal. Are we sure Manfred is not just seeing who the top player is in August, then feeding them bouncy balls in September? Wait, that is likely what he’s doing, isn’t it? The difference between Ohtani and Judge this year is about the same as Yordan and Matt Chapman or Bryce Harper and Alec Burleson or–Well, you get the pitcher–I mean, picture. Next year, Ohtani’s a pitcher. He could win the hitting and pitching Triple Crowns. Holy schnikes, which translates to…Shoot, we lost our translator to a DraftKings Hot Pick Parlay.
Fantasy AL Most Valuable Player – Aaron Judge should be fawned over for the year he just had. Ya know, if not for Ohtani. It’s hard to look past Ohtani had nearly the same homers as Judge and 40+ steals. Judge’s runs and RBIs alone are nearly the same value as Kyle Schwarber’s entire year. That’s right, remove Judge’s homers, steals and nearly MLB-leading batting average, and his counting stats alone are worth a top 20-ish player. Judge nearly won the Triple Crown and came up way short on Ohtani for fantasy, but that’s by no means an indictment on Judge. I guess it’s easy when you’re 6′ 7″ and stacked with muscle. Which is why I’m drafting Jordan Walker–Oh crap, I mean Franmil Reyes–Oh shoot, I mean Jhonkensy Noel–Oh Christmas!
Fantasy AL Cy Young – If you were in an AL-Only league, Tarik Skubal lifted you up where you belong. Where the Alek Manoah-bounce-back-believers cry, on a Rockies hill where Nolan Jones died…. Because it’s Tarik Skubal, then three NL starters in the Player Rater ranks. I’ll be along in the next days recapping each position, and eventually the starters, but it’s no spoiler to say Skubal owned the AL in starters. It’s wild there’s literally one ace in the entire AL. Weird time in baseball, but it reenforces how I say punt top starters.
Fantasy NL Cy Young – This was a two-way battle at the top of the Player Rater for NL Cy between Chris Sale and Zack Wheeler. The bold gives away the plot, but it came down to the final week. That also makes it two of two Cy Youngs this year you could’ve drafted if you punted the tippity-top starters. Skubal was drafted early-ish, but at 50 ADP. I always say draft your 1st starter around 50, so not too early for me. Chris Sale’s ADP was 132. These ADPs are the latest possible ADPs too for last year, so you might’ve been able to get Sale after 200th overall if you drafted early.
Fantasy AL Least Valuable Player – For the seventh year in a row, this could go to Anthony Rendon–Hold on, the accountants are signaling me. I can’t hear you from seven feet away! Walk across my mom’s basement and the beautiful shag carpet, and whisper it to me! It’s not Rendon? Okay, Mike Trout–Not him either? *whispers in ear* Oh, the guy who thinks Shake ‘n Bake chicken is the Shake Weight, Alek Manoah? Not him but right team? Oh! That guy! Bo Bichette or rather Schmo Bichette. So, Pieceofchette, congrats for nothing!
Fantasy NL Least Valuable Player – I’m giving this award to Ronald Acuña Jr., but it doesn’t feel right, because he was injured through no fault of his. It also doesn’t feel right because I have no real animosity towards him and usually I hate the guts of whoever wins these least valuable awards. Spencer Strider was a close second, but Acuña was 1st overall ADP, so can’t beat that bad beat. “Is this for NL MVP and Cy?” No, Comatose Braves Fan!
Most Valuable Player Based On Draft Price – Ya know what’s cool to dream about? No, not marrying the partner of your dreams and having kids who don’t hate you. That ship’s sailed! What’s cool to dream about is drafting the most valuable player based on value every year in every league. You could do it, but do you? This year you just needed to believe in the A’ss. No, not Cal Raleigh. Brent Rooker was picked up in one of my leagues in April (by me), and had a nearly top 10 year. Pretty great value! If you had the foresight to draft him? It cost you around a 300th overall ADP.
Fantasy POS – Kris Bryant continues to be awful between the months when he’s not even playing, then you have Tim Anderson, who had a terrible year and was released from baseball, after very publicly being knocked out last year after a very public family drama–Damn, Tim Anderson really is having a rough few years. But this year we have to go with a Shite Sux player, so Luis Robert Jr., you get to carry the mantle for the entire organization of God Awful. Luis Robert Jr. was drafted in the top 15 in some leagues, and barely sniffed the top 350 in value. A closer runner-up was Nolan Jones, but he had the decency to disappear so you could pick up someone else relatively fast.
Top SAGNOF – Brice Turang/Ryan Helsley – Remember, the essence of SAGNOF is cheap saves and steals. No one came close to cheapness on steals as Turang. A rose by any other name would be Caballero. As for Helsey, he was the most pure, distilled version of SAGNOF for saves. He was the everclear of SAGNOF. Available in all drafts without a top pick and all those saves.
Fantasy Hitter You Most Likely Dropped and Picked Up A Dozen Times – “You really think this year’s breakout is gonna be Colton Cowser? Meh, that April was kinda boring, I think I’m dropping him…Wait a second! This May is great! I have to pick him up, right? Wow! What a ride! This guy is great…Welp, the honeymoon’s over, I guess. They called up one of their fifteen other prospects. They sent down all their 15 other prospects! We’re back on! Goodbye, Cowser, you’re hitting too low in the order…Hold on! Grey, not sure if you noticed but Cowser is hitting high in the order now. …Hey, Grey, Cowser’s stopped hitting. Hey, Grey, Cowser is hitting. Hey, Grey is Cowser hitting or not? …Hey, Grey!!! GREY!!! Cowser!!! GREY!!! Cowser!!!” [smoke rises from your ears]
Player You Had Forever and Most Likely Should’ve Dropped – When you search the Player Rater for “Lowe,” the lowest Lowe is Josh Lowe. Runner up: Xander Bogaerts.
Player On The Top Of Your Waivers That You Just Couldn’t Bring Yourself to Pick Up – “Who do you want me to pick up? Lawrence Butler? Is that the name of the bulldog?”
Pitcher You Streamed So Much You Ended Up Owning Him – “Okay, I’ll grab Sean Manaea for his start vs. the Colorado Suckies, but I’m dropping him right afterwards.” *five months later* “Hoping Sean Manaea starts in my H2H finals, he’s my most reliable starter.”
Player You Were Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop From, But Thankfully It Never Did – “Sure, Grey told us to draft Seth Lugo late, but he can’t really be this good, can he?” He can and he was. Runner-up: Jackson Merrill, my first Buy of the year.
Player You Were Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop From and It Ended Up Kicking You in the Groin – “Royce Lewis is one of the greatest of all-time in these five games he’s played. He is unstoppable! Oh, and he doesn’t have to be injured every year like clockwork. That’s just dumb” Oopsie.
Player You Were Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop From and When It Did You Were Okay With It – Luis Gil managed to provide a little bit value past his sell-by date, even if he threw so many innings he can no longer lift his arm.
Player You Traded Away That You Most Regretted – “Elly De La Cruz is never going to be anything with that strikeout rate.” Three days later, “This is the worst mistake of my life.”
Player You Traded For That You Most Regretted – “Grey, I know you say don’t trade in the preseason, but I just got Ozzie Albies and Austin Riley for Jazz Chisholm Jr. and Jose Ramirez! I’m to winning what winning is to losing!”
Remember That Feeling You Had When You Walked In On Your Parents Having Sex, This Pitcher Gave You That Feeling Every Fifth Day – “Hey, mom, do you know where the remote control is–OH MY GOD BOBBY MILLER WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY FANTASY TEAM STOP!! GET OFF OF HER!!! THAT’S MY MOMMY!!!” Then Bobby Miller impregnated your mother and left you to raise your sibling.
