Houston ain’t got a problem! Hashtag nailed it! Hashtag blessed for Dad jokes! Hashtag I still got it! [as I walk off the curb, sprain my ankle and trip into the sewer] I’m good! Little help! Captain Woo Cubano’s three homers yesterday brought him a step closer to respectability. By which I mean, anyone who is 6’5″ and 250 pounds of muscle has to hit 30 homers or you get no nickname (see: Yandy) and no respect (uh, still Yandy). You know I have massive love for Yordong aka Captain Woo Cubano, and a 4-for-4, 4 RBIs with his 26th, 27th and 28th homers yesterday gets Yordan Alvarez closer to that goal of 30. Though, he really should be nearing 50 homers. Alas, the real star yesterday, SP-Arrighetti, the fettuccine of fantastic, the puttanesca of puttin’ some stank on it! The Al Dente of I don’t wanna hear about his walk rate! Spencer Arrighetti (7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, 4 walks, 11 Ks, ERA at 4.63) is having a 2nd half that I said previously was leading him to be a next year sleeper for me; now I’m worried he might be overrated, then Arrighetti is hasta la pasta! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Taijuan Walker – 6 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 6.50. Taijuan only gonna need to move an A to relocate for his Mexican Baseball League debut next year.
Paul Skenes – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.23. Shame about the no decision, but Rowdy Tellez is the Pirates’ best reliever.
David Bednar – 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 6.32, and, like, his 35th blown save. Call him David Shit-The-Bednar.
Bryan Reynolds – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer, and 2nd homer in two games. B-Rey goes from zero to hundred*. (*Degrees) (*Celsius) (*With a British accent)
Connor Joe – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, and his 2nd homer in two games. Where’d he come from? Where’d he go? I am inquiring about Connor Eyed Joe.
Pete Crow-Armstrong – 4-for-4, 4 runs, 1 RBI. More like Batstrong. Give me some! No? Okay.
Christian Bethancourt – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 7 RBIs and a slam (5) and legs (2). Two thoughts: Amaya was the Cubs’ catcher who was hot. 2) Grandal is giving a free base to everyone.
Lawrence Butler – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and a slam (16) and legs (12), and 2nd homer in four games. Went to the Player Rater, expecting to find something like, “Butler’s doing so good, here’s how good!” Instead, I found he’s around the 60th outfielder after Harrison Bader.
Seth Brown – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 11th and 12th homer. Told ya he was a sleeper two years ago! [dodges a tomato thrown] It was for deep leagues! [tomato splats in face]
Brent Rooker – 1-for-5 and his 31st homer. Guess what he’s hitting for average. You know he’s doing well for power! Guess his average! Too slow! It’s .285! Zoinks!
Osvaldo Bido – 6 IP, 2 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.21. If I lose one league, it’s gonna be for my insistence of starting Shit-The-Bednar for saves over streaming Bido. Streamonator is a little iffy on Bido’s next one, but I’d start him.
Rhett Lowder – Will be called up for Friday. Now we just need Lowder to face Ober, so we can get the MTV News followed by Remote Control. Maybe someone can find Roman Quinn, so Quinn can introduce Lowder. I’d mention Seth Brown, but Brown was busy going downtown yesterday as evidenced by his wOBA, wOBA, wOBA. So, Itch’s said of Lowder, “A decorated career at Wake Forest pushed Lowder up draft boards and landed him in Cincinnati at 7th overall. He’s an interesting fit. He’s an interesting fit in an unforgiving ballpark, where his plus control and command should help keep the damage mostly limited to solo home runs. We could nitpick at his fastball efficacy or ultimate topside, but he’s gone 26-and-3 in his last two seasons, covering 219.2 innings with a 1.05 WHIP, and I’d whip Grey with my belt.” What on earth, man! Lowder’s command in the minors this year is so pristine, I’d give him a flyer in most leagues. Maybe Zebby Matthews with more Ks. That’s worth rocking out to like you’re on the Headbangers Ball.
Carlos Rodon – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.31. Yanks’ rotation is going to thrive in the playoffs, huh? Yes, of course, they won’t have to face the Nats.
Jazz Chisholm Jr. – 2-for-3 and a slam (22) and legs (28), 2nd homer in two games. If Jazz ends the year with around 25/35, he’ll be undervalued next year. If he ends with 30/30, he’ll be overvalued. Don’t ask me to show my math.
Dylan Crews – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Also, in this game, James Woods (2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI) stole three bags (9, 10, 11). Nats gonna be fun next year, y’all!
MacKenzie Gore – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.45. Last two games, zero walks and one walk. It may mean: He’s back. Streamonator loves his next one, and I could see getting back in.
Brayan Bello – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.66. Pitchers be normal for once challenge: Impossible. Terrible start, awful, miserable, gem! What am I supposed to expect after that?
Tyler O’Neill – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 24th homer. Sadly, he came down with Jimmy Legs rounding the bases and he had to be airlifted away.
Chris Bassitt – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.27. Almost as absurd as Bello’s start. Be normal, please!
Freddy Peralta – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.70. Ha, the least normal starter in baseball. The best thing that happened to FreddyKBB yesterday was he threw too many pitches, so he had to be lifted before he undoubtedly blew the game in the 7th. At least we know what to root for with him: Be less efficient.
Kyle Harrison – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.22. That gets the Doom from Big Justice.
Josh Lowe – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. LFL! It’s LFG but the “go” has been replaced by Lowe. Say it with me now, LFL! LFL! I didn’t say Simon says.
Julio Rodriguez – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer. “I hate to get rid of the body. We could use a new doorstop–Hold up! He moved! Julio’s alive!”
Victor Robles – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .269, and stole two bags the day before. But J.P. Crawford (0-for-3, 1 run) returned from the IL and has to hit leadoff so Robles hit 9th. You know, Crawford, the guy who is hitting .202. To the tune of Won’t Get Fooled Again, “Meet the idiot new manager, same as the idiot old manager!”
Randy Arozarena – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 18th homer, 2nd homer in two games. Hopefully the M’s bats do come alive, because I always like to get ulcers, and there’s no ulcer quite like hearing, “The new manager unlocked something in the Mariners,” like the new manager is saying, “Swing hard at strikes,” and the last guy was like, “Swing weakly at balls in the dirt.”
Aaron Schunk – 2-for-3 and his 1st homer. Schunk is famous for being the adopted child of Chunk and Sloth from The Goonies. As Schunk rounded the bases, he screamed, “Baby Ruth!”
Spencer Torkelson – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Oh my God, it’s happening!!! [sees again it’s August and he has 7 HRs] Happening in moderation.
Shohei Ohtani – 2-for-4, 3 runs and a slam (42) and double legs (41, 42). Bless his heart, he really wants to go 50/50, and I’m not betting against him, so to speak.
Walker Buehler – 4 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 5.88. Every pitcher now throws 4 2/3 IP.
Corbin Burnes – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.23. Two homers allowed though, so maybe he should’ve walked Ohtani instead of letting him do BOMB TIME. By the by, did Manfred secretly shadow ban walking good hitters? Why is anyone pitching to Judge, Witt or Ohtani?
Harrison Bader – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. Two mentions of Bader in one post? How good is he? Oh, I know! He must be an ex-Cards’ outfielder!
Eduardo Rodriguez – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.06. Only pitching three times every 18 months must’ve caught up to him. I want to, but it’s impossible to trust him. His Ks and velocity are down, and so little time to wait on guys.
Corbin Carroll – 2-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 16th and 17th homer. Still not running at all, which is puzzling, but you know what he will have going for him next year? He screwed people so badly, his price is going to be so cheap, because lots of people don’t want to be burned again. Instead, people will be like, “Please, burn me for the first time!”
Jorge Soler – 1-for-3 and his 17h homer. Saw he was replaced by Kelenic, assuming for defense, and made me remember we had a solid three years of “Kelenic should be better” discourse, then he disappeared.
David Festa – 6 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.89. Dave Party knows how to get down, he knows how to cut the floor, he also knows how to be extremely unlucky. His peripherals are gorgeous — 10.8 K/9, 2.6 BB/9, yum. That and a $5 bus ticket will get you somewhere on the bus for five dollars.
Joe Musgrove – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.44. That’s now two straight solid starts. Do I trust him? Not as far as I can throw him, and although I can bench two 10-pound plates, it’s not far.
Andre Pallante – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.80. Opened his stats page to see what he was cooking with and it was a crockpot on low. Nice for ribs, not for pitching.
Bobby Witt Jr. – 2-for-5 and his 28th homer. Just sealed the 2024 AL MVP award! (If it’s revealed Judge has been using an aluminum bat all year.)
Vinnie Pasquantino – 4-for-5 and his 19th homer. You think Vinnie ever shows up at the park with almost-expiring ricotta cheese that he has to eat because otherwise it will go bad? Hmm, maybe his Italian mother is different than mine.
Michael Massey – 1-for-3 and his 11th homer, then replaced by Maikel Garcia in the 6th, which sorta harshes the buzz for the opium of the Massey.
Michael Wacha – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.50. [going to lunch whistling] So nice to see Wacha through six innings with only two earned runs. [after lunch] I have indigestion.
Tanner Bibee – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.65. Guy Who Just Looks At ERA, “Seeing Bibee and Wacha, which one is better?” Okay, Guy Who Just Looks At ERA is sorta a ding dong merchant, but ERA is a category in your league, right?
Andrew Heaney – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.95. Streamonator liked it, because: Of course, it was the White Sox. Things are going great there, by the by:
White Sox announced attendance: 17 pic.twitter.com/Ks9ppz6hfj
— Razzball (@Razzball) August 29, 2024
Wyatt Langford – 2-for-7, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer. Damn, I forgot to point out when he passed his Spring Training home run total of six. Oh well, go back and rub salt in the wounds two homers ago.
Jack Leiter – 4 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 12.83, as he was recalled. That recalling went like this, “Yeah, I don’t think I want to pick him up.”
John Brebbia – Designated for assignment by the White Sox. May I suggest rather than the White Sox DFA players, the players raise their hands for who wants to stay. Since Brebbia was the White Sox closer, that opens the job to…[announcer reads a single digit raffle ticket number, a fan yells and runs out of the stands to the mound].
