“B. Rey and Jack Suuuuuwin, and we’re here to…Hey, can you give us a little more bass? That’s better! Hey, we’re J. Suuuuuwin and B. Rey, and we’re here to say…Hey, this is going to be hit, right? Boom! Bit! Because all we do is get hits. Olestra gives us the shits! Us and Rowdy T. What’s up big man?” Rowdy Tellez burps very loud from the studio couch. “That’s right! The big man got gas, and giddy up on the fastballs, don’t let them pass!” With that, Bryan Reynolds and Jack Suwinski finished putting together the whitest rap anyone’s ever heard. In fact, the album is called The Whitest Rap Anyone’s Ever Heard, Vol. 1, and it charts in Kenya, as a comedy album. Only no one is laughing right here because Bryan Reynolds (2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs) is a top 10 outfielder this year and Jack Suwinski (2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam, 9, and legs, 6) is available everywhere and can be a top 30 outfielder the rest of the way. Rowdy Tellez (2-for-4, 2 runs) hit his 8th homer. There’s no hotter schmotato going on two weeks now. Also, in this game, Joshua Palacios (1-for-5, 2 RBIs) hit his 2nd homer in 2nd games, and Joey Bart (1-for-4, 4 RBIs) hit a grand slam, his 5th home run of the year! Okay, last one’s not that impressive. Others are though. Buy, buy, buy, buy! Unless you’re in Kenya, then sell that album. It’s awful. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Nick Lodolo – 3 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.30 as he was activated from the IL. He was freakin’ coasting through three scoreless, then it started raining and it screwed up this entire start. Why did they start the game? This is not rhetorical! I want a gee-dee answer!
Tyler Stephenson – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Tried to drop him this past Sunday for Ben Rice, but was outbid. Lucky > Good.
Will Benson – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .192. Kinda wild how many hitters can’t hit .200. I’m not trying to be a Boomer, but let’s start emphasizing contact a little.
Rece Hinds – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in two games. He has a Tuffy Rhodes feel to me with some Maas Appeal, but who am I argue with a call-up schmotato?
Brenton Doyle – 3-for-4, and his 12th and 13th homer. Watch, 1st game after the break he’s gonna be hitting 2nd in the order. Know why? Because Bud Black’s hoping we forget how low his best hitter has been in the order and just moves him up to the two-hole as a way of gaslighting us into thinking Doyle’s always been hitting that high. You think I’m crazy? Well, I’m crazy like a fox!
Blake Snell – 5 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 3 walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 7.85 as he was activated from the IL. Picking up right where he left off (last July when he was great in the 2nd half).
Thairo Estrada – 0-for-4 as he was activated from the IL. Wilmer Flores (1-for-4) was also activated. It was Transactions Tuesday!
Heliot Ramos – 2-for-4 and his 13th homer, hitting .302. Um, he’s on a 37-homer pace over 162 games.
Yusei Kikuchi – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 13 Ks, ERA at 4.00. You ever blink your eyes at a box score and expect a no decision to turn to a win? That was me with Yusei.
Cal Raleigh – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 16th and 17th homer, hitting .210. And the 16th and 17th time someone in the front row of the game said, “I wish his butt wasn’t so big so I could’ve seen the home runs.”
Julio Rodriguez – 4-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. I’m staggering around, clutching my heart like Redd Foxx during his many heart attacks. Four hits and a home run? Elizabeth, I’m coming!
Kyle Higashioka – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, 2nd homer in three games, and was the top catcher on the 30-day Player Rater, but O’Hoppe was right on his tail.
Logan O’Hoppe – 3-for-4, and his 13th and 14th homer. Speaking of the devil, O’Hoppe went O’Homer crazy. O’Yeah.
Adolis Garcia – 1-for-4 and his 17th homer. Someone got bumped down the lineup and got mad? Good! Get madder!
Josh H. Smith – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .296. Josh Jung got Wally Pipp slapped.
Adam Duvall – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. I picked up Quintana and Duvall this week in FAAB. Touch my hand, I’m freakin’ blessed!
Chris Sale – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.74 vs. Zac Gallen – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.33. Sale vs. Gallen…Sale…Gallen…Sallen…[dons a captain hat and goes on tour with Yachtley Crew]
Ronel Blanco – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.53. So impressed with Ronel. Impressed enough to rank him in the top 100 for the 2nd half? You’ll have to wait and see next week! (Spoiler! No, not that impressed.)
Alex Bregman – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .254. I’m super familiar with every player right now because of the top 100 for the 2nd half that I’m doing, and Bregman’s numbers? Yawnstipating!
Jesus Sanchez – 1-for-3 and his 10th homer. Also, in this game Jazz Chisholm Jr. (2-for-4, 2 runs) had a slam (11) and legs (18). Together, they are Jezz Chinchez! Sounds like a name you’d hear in a 70’s karate movie. “Who is your sensei?” Lips moving out-of-sync with audio. “Jezz Chinchez!”
Michael Busch – 4-for-6, 2 runs and his 12th homer. Busch’s got 2025 sleeper written all over him, if he just chills a little.
Ian Happ – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer. Been working on the top 100 for the 2nd half and Happ is super borderline for me. He likely should be top 100, but he needs to make a case this final week. The presh is on!
Jameson Taillon – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.99. Okay, you had your fun. It’s July. Now, it’s time to regress.
Jordan Westburg – 1-for-4 and his 15th homer. Speaking of sleepers, he was last preseason for me. Natch yourself, snitches!
Brandon Nimmo – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer. On the 30-day Player Rater, Nimmo is basically the same as Ohtani, Judge, and Gunnar.
Francisco Lindor – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 16th homer, hitting .253. Lindor post-Grimace has been Cal Ripken Jr.
Jose Quintana – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.91. Streaming him everywhere this week because of the cushy matchups he was getting. Thank you, Streamonator; thank you, Quintana (that order).
Keibert Ruiz – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, 2nd homer in three games. &!!*@%^@–Wait, that’s Q-Bert, but Keibert.
Jake Irvin – 6 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.13. Damn, Regression Fairies doing things to my guys while making me watch.
Josh Naylor – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and a slam (22) and legs (4). Yaylor!
Angel Martinez – 1-for-6 and his 1st homer. Because I’m busy doing the top 100 for the 2nd half, I have the Rest of the Season Player Rater open and going over it diligently (half-drunkenly). The ROS Player Rater says what players should do in the future. Any hoo! I went to look up Angel Martinez and he was at 1837th overall, just behind Ramon Laureano. I cackled. He was twenty spots behind Joe Rock. That is 100% a made-up name. Is that The Rock’s real name? Joe? Is that like an insult one rock says to another? “Your mother is a pebble!” “Yeah, well, Joe Rock!” Martinez looks like a contact first guy with some light power and speed, i.e., not super interesting outside of deep leagues.
Ben Lively – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.59. Welp, it was a nice run. Was feeling Lively there for a bit, now starting to feel dead inside.
Colt Keith – 2-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. Speaking of 2025 sleepers (I was up in Busch’s blurb), Cool Colt Keith making me feel ultramagnetic and good.
Justyn-Henry Malloy – 1-for-5 and his 5th homer, hitting .195. JH&M known for casualwear and the occasional hit between strikeouts.
Kenta Maeda – 2 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 7.26. Tigers’ coaching staff should be sent to The Hague for starting Maeda as much as they have this year.
Brayan Bello – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.40. Even against the A’ss, he’s pitching to the score? Man, he’s a struggle to roster.
Lawrence Butler – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and a slam (5) and legs (5), 2nd homer in a week. Grabbed him in my RCL because he’s been a schmotato for a minute. Not an Urban Dictionary minute, which is actually a long time, but an actual minute.
Zack Gelof – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .212, but went 6/4/.247 in June and has two steals in July. Okay, not exactly setting the world on fire, but is the world not hot enough for you already?
Isaac Paredes – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer. Tuesday was a good day to be a preseason sleeper for me.
Ryan Pepiot – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.20. After watching him, I can say he looked good. He made Soto swing at one pitch that looked like it caused Soto to throw out his shoulder or oblique or, well, I’m not a doctor. Streamonator loves his next one, and I’d absolutely get in there.
Carlos Rodon – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.63. If you were thinking about Rodon, I’d consider Rodon’t.
Ben Rice – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Feels a little like shizz is falling on deaf ears at this point. Rice is hitting leadoff in front of Soto and Judge and has catcher eligibility. If it continues, he’ll struggle to not be at least a top ten catcher. Maybe top five.
Zack Wheeler – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.70. Left the start with a sore back. Damn, no one wants to take part in the All-Star Game, huh?
Bryce Harper – 0-for-4 as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s Get Him In Your Lineup Department said, “I didn’t mean anything when I asked Bill for a high five. I forgot he was in that lawnmower accident.”
Kyle Schwarber – 1-for–4, 2 RBIs as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s Get Him In Your Lineup Department added, “Next time I will ask for a high four.”
Trea Turner – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 8th homer. Treat Urner missed some significant time, but he’d be a top ten player if he didn’t. Act like you know, MC Lyte!
Bryson Stott – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer. Stott’s entertainment!
Brandon Marsh – 2-for-3, 2 runs and a slam (8) and legs (11), hitting .267. On the Player Rater, he was around 220th overall. He is likely around a 150th overall player, so he should be better. Barely. Lowercase yay!
Bobby Miller – 4 IP, 9 ER, ERA at 8.07. Um, beginning to think this might be more than just rust. Is he, like, okay? Do we have to wait until next March to hear he needs Tommy John surgery?
Tyler Glasnow – Hit the IL with a made-up injury–I mean, he said his back stiffened up. Oh, yeah, totally. MLB is about to punish Billy Eppler again for fabricating injuries, then cc the Dodgers in case they forgot how serious this can be. “Dodgers, hey, this is Rob Manfred. Maybe we weren’t clear when we suspended someone who wasn’t in your organization and currently without a job, but there’s to be no more fabricating of injuries. Also, has Ohtani stopped ‘translating’ with DraftKings?”
