Rays got Stone’d yesterday. Not as in they thought it was Max Munchies, and giggled for an hour straight. Not as in they showed too much knee and al-Qaeda stoned them. Not as in they were a fan of The Beatles than they matured into an adult, stopped liking kiddie music, and heard the much better Stones. Not as in getting run over by Fred Flintstone’s car. Not as in being strapped to a chair in a Best Buy and made to watch The Family Stone on repeat on 30 TVs at once. No, this is Stone’d as in Gavin Stone (7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.33). Prolly clear before going through what it’s not, but it never hurts to clarify. So, I saw he was pitching well again, and thought to myself, “Gavin Stone is breaking out this year,” then I went to look at his peripherals and, wow, is he mid, as the kids say. The kids don’t say, “As the kids say,” for what it’s Wuertz. A 7.5 K/9, 2.4 BB/9, and pitching barely as a decent number five. Rays might’ve been Stone’d, but you’re taking bong hits if you think he’s anywhere close to an ace. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Mookie Betts – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer. Mookie Best! (Though, Ohtani having a 40/40 year while still in August might be a little better than Betts.)
Taj Bradley – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.77 vs. Clayton Kershaw – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.72. How does the saying go, something old, something new, something something I’m screwed?
Jonny DeLuca – 2-for-3 and his 4th homer. Went to look on waivers for who had the most steals in the last week, because I need badly, and DeLuca was the top of the list. Hopefully you have better choices!
Bowden Francis – 8 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 3 walks, 12 Ks, ERA at 4.02. Hitters get on a ridonk run. A rundonk, so to speak. Tyler Fitzgerald comes to mind. Pitchers don’t usually go on rundonks like this, usually. Sure, you’ll get a pitcher like Seth Lugo who is better than he usually is for three months, but better, relatively. Lugo is a solid pitcher, which makes me think Francis is too. I mentioned this a few times before, but I saw Francis in Spring Training, and he looked great. He was a sleeper of mine, if he broke camp. Sadly, the Jays don’t know what they’re doing and sent him down. Is he a 8 IP, 12 Ks every time type great pitcher? No, the Angels suck, but he is more solid than “random three-game rundonk where he looks great but isn’t.”
Kevin Gausman – 7 IP, 1 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.10. See the part of the above blurb where I said “Angels suck.”
Alejandro Kirk – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, 2nd homer in a week, hitting near-.400 in the last week, and I nearly put in a FAAB bid for him, but I just couldn’t pull the trigger. Maybe you have less discretion than I.
Addison Barger – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, 2nd homer in three games. Hot schmotato alert!
Brandon Drury – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer, hitting .157. Angels just extended their GM’s contract, and, with free agent acquisitions like Drury, it’s no wonder the Angels are the American League’s Rockies.
Aaron Judge – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 50th and 51st homer. “Where and when do I report?” “Uhh…Roger Maris Jr., the thing is Judge already broke your dad’s record so I don’t think we really need you to show up at the park.” “What if I file paperwork to become Aaron Judge Jr.?”
Giancarlo Stanton – 2-for-3 and his 23rd homer, 3rd homer in three games. Think I might go to Cooperstown when Giancarlo is inducted. I’ll be the one in the wedding gown.
Juan Soto – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 37th homer. For Sexy Dr. Pepper’s fantasy value next year, I hope he stays right where he is. Yanks can just defer five hundred million until the day after the apocalypse. Can you put that in a contract?
Gleyber Torres – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 11th homer, as he hits leadoff. In front of Judge and Soto is the best spot to hit in baseball, and that spot chews up and spits out so many players not up to the task. Volpe? Sorry! Ben Rice? Ya suck, goodbye! Verdugo? You’re actually worse!
Ranger Suarez – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.82 as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “Yes, I was the one who set up the slip’n slide in the front lobby. Cool, right?”
Nick Castellanos – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer, hitting .250. Was a bit shocked how high he is on the Player Rater for outfielders, but it might mean more how awful outfielders are, in general.
Brady Singer – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.38, and 4.54 ERA in the last 30 days, and you have to start to wonder if he’s getting by on good vibes and bad farts.
Seth Lugo – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.19. Is Wacha the best Royals’ starter? No. They’re all 3.50 ERA pitchers. Which is fine! It’s just not as goofy low on the ERA as some were.
Bobby Witt Jr. – 2-for-4 and his 26th homer, hitting .347. Totally gonna win the AL MVP (if Judge fails a PEDs test). People with parenthetical blindness are like, “He’s not winning any MVP!”
MJ Melendez – 2-for-3 and his 16th homer, 2nd homer in four games, hitting .210. Michael Jordan Melendez should round third on every homer and give a Blazers game shrug.
Maikel Garcia – 2-for-5 hit his 7th homer. This was the first positive thing Maikel did in August. Don’t feel bad, White Sox haven’t done anything positive all year.
Connor Norby – 3-for-4, 3 runs and his 4th homer, 2nd homer in two games, and, if my FAAB bid comes through, I’m moving on from Morel to Norby.
Javier Assad – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.15. Went deeper in the game, but still can’t throw many pitches (87). An Assad aside. Say that fast twelve times!
Albert Suarez – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.18. He’s been way better than he has had any right to be, but had to make a tough call this weekend and dump him, because the Streamonator hates his next, and I don’t trust him enough.
Alex Bregman – 2-for-5 and his 21st homer, hitting .260. Quite possibly the most predictable player in baseball — 24-7 HRs, .270, every year. Kyle Tucker was the most predictable until he retired to raise turtles.
Yainer Diaz – 1-for-5 and his 16th homer. Too bad he’s hitting .250. He is not! You fell for it! He’s hitting .301.
Blake Snell – 3 IP, 2 ER, zero hits, 6 walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.76. On Saturday, he couldn’t even HBP a barn.
Camilo Doval – 1 1/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 4.57, as he called back up and worked the 7th into the 8th. There’s no reason to go back to Doval with the way Walker is pitching, which is to say, Doval might be getting saves by next Sunday, and it’s impossible to say. My guess is it’s Walker’s job until it’s not. Clear? Not very!
Heliot Ramos – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer. “He’s on a 35 homer pace in 162 games.” Thanks, Mr. Prorater. “I could tell you were wondering.”
Grant McCray – 2-for-3 and his 2nd homer. On one hand, he seems overmatched by looks of his strikeouts. On the other hand, he has speed and power. On a third hand that is Hamburger Helper, he’s being platooned.
Robbie Ray – 3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 4.70, and left after feeling something in his hammy. With how he wears his pants, it would be surprising if he didn’t feel everything on his legs.
George Kirby – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.48. Reminds me of the quote from the movie, Moneyball, but slightly different. “If Kirby’s such a good pitcher, why doesn’t he pitch good?”
Dylan Moore – 1-for-2, 1 run, 3 steals (25, 26, 27), hitting .201. Said he wants to get to 30 steals, and he might by the M’s next game. He’s in a perfect place to steal. The Mariners’ offense is like this, “We have literally no one to drive in anyone so if you want to run by all means.”
Bryan Woo – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.05. I know EA isn’t everything, but also I know he has a 2.05 ERA.
Eugenio Suarez – 4-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 20th homer, 2nd homer in three games. Was hitting .198 on July 2nd. Has raised that 40+ points. Hit 10 homers in July and four homers in August. Suarez has a case for a top 20 overall 2nd half in baseball.
Geraldo Perdomo – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in the week. Could be a light schmotato depending on the very subjective “light.”
Tanner Houck – 6 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.23. Way to ruin the Houck tauh meme.
Triston Casas – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 8th homer. Whaddup, Homes!
Rafael Devers – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 28th homer. Devers delivers!
Tyler O’Neill – 1-for-4 and his 23rd homer. On his way around the bases, he accidentally swallowed a ladybug, which got lodged on his tonsil, and he’ll miss the next two weeks. (I’m guessing at what we’re going to hear today.)
Eddie Rosario – Released by the Mets. Oh, he’s just trying to get popular on the Immaculate Grid now.
David Peterson – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.85. The guy in your league who has Sonny Gray, George Kirby and Snell, “I lost my H2H playoffs to a team with Ben Lively and David Peterson,” as they explain why they’ve abandoned society and started walking the earth.
Jose Quintana – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 0 Ks, ERA at 4.36. I started him last time out in a favorable matchup and he got rocked, and then he does this in an awful matchup. You got to be Jo-Quin me!
J.D. Martinez – 2-for-4 and his 15th homer. Just Dong, because that’s what people want!
Mark Vientos – 2-for-4 and his 21st homer. We love Mark Vientos, don’t you boys? (Yes.)
Jurickson Profar – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer. Also, in this game, Jackson Merrill (1-for-3) hit his 19th homer. I’d put both guys up against the most underrated players in baseball in an Underrated Off. Though, I’m not sure how you would judge it. You win if you’re underrated? But underrated guys don’t win things. Very confusing concept.
David Fry – 1-for-3 and his 13th homer. A Fry fly! Oh crap, now I have that stupid Fireflies song stuck in my head. I need a new head!
Jhonkensy Noel – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 12th homer, 2nd homer in two games, third homer in four games and 12th homer in 41 games. They are putting up Christmas decorations earlier and earlier every year. Freakin’ Big XMas.
Matthew Boyd – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.70. Streamonator loves his next start, and I am willing to let up the brake and start getting in on Flavor Flav’s enthusiasm, YEAH BOYD!
Cody Bradford – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.31. It might be a “He hasn’t effed me over as many times” type thing, but I like Bradford more than Boyd. Right now, Cody has 8.1 K/9 (meh), but a 1.5 BB/9 (nice), and very little hard contact. It’s perking my bubbles. Don’t pop ’em.
Luis L. Ortiz – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.36. I opened his player stats page and I got the message, “You sure you want to see this?” When I said I was sure, the page said, “No, I’m protecting you from yourself.”
Joey Bart – Left game with a hammy issue. Oh no, don’t damper Bart summer.
Alexis Diaz – 1/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 4.37. Before I opened up the box score, I guessed, “Bednar and Diaz blew saves,” but I was only half right.
Zebby Matthews – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.00. Made one mistake to Victor Scott II, where Little Zebby was cremed, but watched most of his start, and came away extremely impressed. Knowing when to waste a pitch will help him, but can’t fault a guy too much who pounds the zone. I’m a fan, but not a Not Like Us fan.
Erick Fedde – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.31. You know a MILF? Well, Cards’ rotation is all SPILFs. Starters I like for Fantasy! You sickos!
Willson Contreras – Hit the IL with a fractured middle finger. Death knell for truck drivers. For catchers, prolly a few weeks, and droppable.
Sonny Gray – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.07. “His underlying numbers say he’s supposed to be better,” I say as I shrink into oblivion.
Reynaldo Lopez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.02. Braves could have two Cy Young contenders (with Sale), and still feel like this is lost year. Or get into the playoffs as a Wild Card and win the World Series, who knows.
Matt Olson – 1-for-4 and his 22nd homer. Judge has 29 more homers than Olson. I don’t even know what else to say.
DJ Herz – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.84. I thought only Beyonce and Jay-Z had Herz and His deejays! Bam! Highlights, you want it? No? Okay! You can Streamonator Herz, but I think this solid start says more about the Braves than him.
Tarik Skubal – 5 IP, 3 ER, 8 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.58. As Chuck D would say, shut ’em down! Different than what he says in a raw bar, that’s “chute ’em down!”
