Look at that mountain
Look at those trees
Look at that Bum over there, man, did that ex-Giants pitcher retire?
Trout’s down due to his knees
Look at these Schwarbombin’
There ain’t nothing like ’em nowhere
Kyle Schwarber‘s 4 hits (we love it)
Kyle Schwarber three dongs (we love it)
25th, 26th and 27th homers (we love it)
Seven ribbies (we love it)
.261 average and .390 OBP (we love it, we love it)
Kyle loves L.A. (we love it)
Kyle loves L.A. (we love it)
Looks like another perfect day.
Kyle loves L.A.! (we love it)
Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Tyler Phillips – 5 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.83. His name sounds like a future GM. He pitches like one too.
Eduardo Rodriguez – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 1 K, as he was activated. Guess he doesn’t need a rehab start? Emoji of a bull standing on its hind legs, flexing its arms like a bodybuilder. EdRod takes no bull; EdRod is bull. [sees he only had two whiffs all game and one was an 85 MPH change and the other was a 91.5 MPH fastball] Okay, but twelve called strikes, so that’s something, right? Right? [silence, a distant cricket] Oh, I see, his velocity on 4-seamers was down to 91 MPH by the 6th inning. Think having 310 days between starts with no rehab starts might’ve left some rust on him, but he has enough guile to get by. The fact he had no rehab starts and went six innings is impressive. Welcome back, EdRod, from wherever you were!
Geraldo Perdomo – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, he’s been hot and will be in tomorrow’s Buy column, already available on the Patreon. Perdomo arrigato.
Corbin Carroll – 2-for-8, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (9) and legs (21). I was watching the game when he homered, which made me doubt everything I saw with my eyes for the rest of the day.
Ketel Marte – 1-for-6, 2 RBIs and his 29th homer. Ketel is out-homering Yordan. By a lot.
Brandon Pfaadt – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.93. He had the juice for almost exactly 4 1/3 IP. The wheels trying to get through the rest were very weebly and/or wobbly. Got lucky on a double play at the plate in the 5th, and tamped the bleeding super pfaast, then Pfaadt looked slim and trim for the 6th.
Justin Martinez – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1.97 and his 2nd save. Okay, I’m ready to call it. He looks like a closer. He’s got that extra funk to funk up the funk. Nah’mean? Prolly not, but he looks nasty, and way better than Ryan Thompson.
Josh Bell – 3-for-9, 3 RBIs and his 17th and 18th homer. More like Gosh Well?! he screams at his keyboard as he slowly twirls down a drain.
Josh Naylor – 1-for-7, 2 runs and his 25th homer. Yaylor!
Ben Lively – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.59. Streamonator doesn’t love his next one, but I’d hold for one more to see if he can right the ship.
Tyler O’Neill – Hit the IL with a leg infection. Dude is a brick house of muscles and gets sidelined with “I need Neosporin.”
Kutter Crawford – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.11. Not going to make excuses, which is what I say right before making excuses, but this was a tough matchup.
Romy Gonzalez – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. It worked so hard to fault the move, but hitting Romy Gonzalez third is so freakin’ funny. He is the worst 2nd baseman in the major leagues. Possibly ever. Okay, not ever, but absolutely dreadful.
Bobby Witt Jr. – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 21st and 22nd homer, hitting .349. Next year: Witt, Ohtani, Judge? Ohtani, Witt, Judge? Something else I’m not allowing for?
Vinnie Pasquantino – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer, and 3rd homer this week and 27th homer in the last two weeks. Now that Vinnie Pasketti has remembered how to hit for power, can he forget as easily? Asking for my teams where I don’t have him, which is all teams.
Cole Ragans – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.27. Trade alert! I traded for Ragans in my RCL. I know, I know, I didn’t like him in the preseason, but that was about price. BDon, still desperate for closers, gave me Ragans for Jhoan Duran. Tell me I won and I’ll buy you an imaginary cookie.
Victor Vodnik – 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.05. Victor Vodnik did his finishing move, The No Goodnik!
Cal Raleigh – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 24th homer, hitting .213. Not bad for a guy who’s 98% keister.
George Kirby – 5 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.13. He made the Tigers’ hitting look good. Not an easy task. He allowed two homers. One to Jake Rogers (1-for-3, 2 runs, 8th homer, as he hits .194). Mr. Rogers isn’t in the neighborhood of a good hitter.
Wenceel Perez – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 9th homer, hitting .246, as he hits leadoff. He hit five homers in July with a .200 average. Oh, and a .242 OBP. The perfect leadoff hitter!
Luis Gil – 5 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners (5 BBs), 6 Ks, ERA at 3.06. Imagine if he could command his pitches…[wavy lines]…Oh, wow, Luis Gil is getting arm surgery because he thrown 75 innings too many in 2024, and they should’ve shut him down…[wavy lines]…damn, my dreams are bummers and not on topic at all. I was supposed to dream about his command. Inner Monologue, “Keep dreamin’.”
Zach Neto – 4-for-9, 8 RBIs and his 15th and 16th homer, hitting .261, and finally moved up to the two-hole with Rengifo’s season-ending injury. Are we witnessing a real-time All About Eve remake?
Drew Rasmussen – 2 IP, 0 ER as he was activated from the IL. Seven days into Return From Tommy John Month and not even a sorry for being a week late? Geez. Rasmussen will act as a reliever for this year.
Taj Bradley – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.07. Someone forgot to tell Taj that we’ve already declared he ascended to ace.
Erick Fedde – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.28. The demented thing. The really nutty thing. If we were redrafting right now, I’d take Kutter Crawford over Fedde, and watch Fedde blow him away again.
Andrew Abbott – 6 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.70. Bummer he had to run into such a buzzsaw like the Marlins’ offense.
TJ Friedl – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 6th homer, a grand slam. I’ve moved on to thinking last year was a fluke year for Friedl, but I can be persuaded otherwise. Persuade! Persuade!
Derek Hill – 1-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer, a grand slam. You know a guy’s got a great pedigree when you see “D. Hill” in the box score and you think, “Dustin? Dom? Dony? Is Dony a name?” Before I clicked to see it’s Derek.
Jake Burger – 2-for-4 and his 18th and 19th homer. Nobody futzes with the Burger except Ronald McDonald!
Calvin Faucher – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.38, and his 2nd save, as he loaded the bases. Wasn’t pretty but, as they say at Getting The Job Done School, “Congrats, you got the job done.”
Kyle Higashioka – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Someone gettin’ Higgy wit’ it.
Jackson Merrill – 4-for-6, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 14th and 15th homer. On the Player Rater, he’s a top 20 outfielder on the year! (He was my first Buy of the year too. Cust kayin’.)
Anthony Santander – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 33rd and 34th homer. Since I was the Player Rater for Merrill, Santander is a top five outfielder.
Trevor Rogers – 5 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.71. Heard the other day Rogers saying he actually received feedback on his pitching for the 1st time after his trade. Okay, kinda rude, but okay. Also: Y’all need to stop listening to players’ narratives. They say shizz all the time. It means nothing. Guys say stuff like, “I’m feeling really comfortable now,” then go oh-for-16.
Jackson Holliday – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in two games, and 3rd homer in three games, and can he tell Coby Mayo what adjustments he made? A pointer or two? Please.
Bowden Francis – 5 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.44. This monkey’s gone to heaven!
Chris Sale – 4 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.75 vs. Freddy Peralta – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.02. This matchup was billed as, “Sale’s pitching how I thought FreddyKBB would be, and vice versa…Hey, is this a body switch movie?”
Austin Riley – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 16th homer. He has less homers than Heliot Ramos, and about a month’s more games. Emoji wandering into the street to ask people for directions to go to hell.
Jake Irvin – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.76. The magic is gone from Irvin.
Juan Yepez – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. I’d put his over/under at 7 HRs, so, yeah, I don’t think much of him.
Matt Chapman – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer, 4th homer in five games. The hottest bat of the week is always a Giants bat, it’s just never the same one. Next week, LaMonte Wade Jr.!
Heliot Ramos – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 17th homer, hitting .289, and 2nd homer in two games. June 1st through June 8th. That was his “Time for this Giants bat to have the hottest week ever.” He’s held pretty well since. Better than the Luis Matos hot week.
Yusei Kikuchi – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.62. Every Jays fan, through gritted teeth, “I’m happy he’s pitching better on the Astros. That’s swell, eh.”
Yordan Alvarez – 1-for-3 and his 22nd homer, 2nd homer in as many games. On one hand, Captain Woo Cubano is going to be a steal next year. On the other hand, he’s never lived up to expectations. On a third hand that is Hamburger Helper, he might need serious knee surgery by next week if the Astros keep playing him in the outfield. I like the idea of Zach Dezenso too, but at the expense to Yordan’s knees?
Marcus Semien – 2-for-5 and his 17th homer. Such a good spurt!
Andrew Benintendi – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, and 2nd homer in two games, and third homer in four games. No, I wouldn’t pick him up. This is unrelated to fantasy, but the 2nd best White Sox hitter for WAR is Yoan Moncada. He hasn’t played since April 9th. Third is Brooks Baldwin. He’s played 18 games total, and is hitting .206.
Grayson Rodriguez – Hit the IL with lat discomfort and will cede to Albert Suarez, who gets my full-throated endorsement, if the Streamonator likes him.
Heston Kjerstad – Went back to the IL with more concussion symptoms. Oh, man, I hope they can get the cobwebs cleared and he stops hearing Spiders by Wilco.
Adbert Alzolay – Will undergo Tommy John surgery. Better hurry if you wanna make it back by Return From Tommy John Month, 2025.
Michael Busch – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 16th homer. Gonna be hard to not be slightly crazy for Busch next year like I’m Booger in Revenge of the Nerds.
Ian Happ – 1-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (18) and legs (8). If you throw out April, he’d be on a 30-homer pace. What’s that? You can’t throw out April? Ah, okay, good to know.
Joe Ryan – Left after two innings with triceps tightness. “Hello, dankness, my old friend.” Sorry, was in a basement. Crying. For Joe Ryan. Triceps can be ominous, and his velocity was way down. Damn, and my ’87 Topps set is warped? Yup, still in the basement.
