The world’s hottest team, the Pittsburgh Pirates, line everyone up with a bat and give them orders. “We have to be aggressive! We need to move forward on the bases just like in real life! Practice it with me now! Move forward!” And they all went off a plank. Rarely do I like to do the same two teams on back-to-back days, but Tobias Myers (8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.13) shushed up one of the hottest teams, and now I must sit, fold my hands, and listen with my eyes. [shoves eyes on Myers highlights, tries closed captioning] How does one listen with your eyes? Any hoo! Tobias Myers has a 7.8 K/9, 2.5 BB/9, and 38.5% ground ball rate, i.e., I think I understand why I got sonvabenched yesterday. I didn’t trust his numbers on Monday when eying the matchup, and still don’t really trust him. He does have five pitches to keep hitters off balance, but the 92 MPH fastball and iffy peripherals so far, makes me think he got the 1927 Pirates on an off night. Streamonator? Sure, but I’d be careful about letting your thoughts lead to confirmation Tobias. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Rhys Hoskins – 1-for-5 and his 14th homer. [looking at my preseason bet ticket of Hoskins leading MLB in homers] He only needs to hit 18 more than Judge in the 2nd half. I am already spending my winnings!
Willy Adames – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 14th homer. Ya know how the nickname for Richard is Dick? It should be for Willy. I will not be taking question regarding this declaration.
Reed Garrett – Hit the IL due to his elbow. MRI technician said, “Mets, right? What took you so long?”
Brandon Nimmo – 1-for-4 and his 16th homer. He’s basically been Babe Ruth of June and July. Call him Mr. Junly.
Luis Severino – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.78. Was an easy Streamonator call, and his next one–Oh, the Break.
Ben Rice – 0-for-4 as he hits cleanup. Welp, leadoff, cleanup, it all works for me! Don’t have to be gluten-free to give Rice flowers!
Zach Eflin – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.99. Solid buy low before he’s traded. Half kidding. I don’t think he’s traded, but he is a buy low. He’s allowed nine walks in 99 1/3 IP. That’s pretty Eflin good.
AJ Smith-Shawver – Optioned to the minors. Good, the W next to the V in his name is always too much for my eyes.
Charlie Morton – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.07. He used to be old reliable Chazz Salt. Mr. Ground Chuck. Solid Standby Morton’s. Now I barely want to look at his line after I start him in a deep league.
Jordan Lawlar – Out six to eight weeks after aggravating his hamstring injury. Missing a whole year, due to a hamstring, is wild. I don’t have words. What even, bro?
Eugenio Suarez – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, and 2nd homer in four games. Looks like a guy who couldn’t hit the broad side of the barn with his bat up until last week is hot. I just realized Eugenio’s batting average is same as Corbin Carroll. Man, brutal.
Ketel Marte – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 18th homer. I’ve grown to appreciate and trust Ketel this season, even though I don’t have him on one freakin’ team. No hate! Only love!
Ernie Clement – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 6th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Yeah, like anyone’s picking him up. Mmkay.
Chris Bassitt – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners (4 BBs), 6 Ks, ERA at 3.52. His walks are so nuts this year. Is anyone else talking about Bassitt’s walks? Okay, besides your dog walker.
Logan Webb – 5 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 3.47. My top 10 or so pitchers that will be appearing in next week’s top 100 have either been rocked or hurt in the last week. It is very funny.
Matt Chapman – 1-for-5 and his 13th homer, hitting .241. Having an okay year, and he’s roughly 300 spots higher on the Player Rater than Bo Pieceofchette.
Christopher Morel – 1-for-4 and his 16th homer. I love Morel, and I have to make sure it’s not just a magic shroom thing. Need to do some soul searching.
Cody Bellinger – Beaned on this hand, and headed for x-rays on his middle finger. His preferred finger to give to his fantasy owners.
Shota Imanaga – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.97. No idea what he’s going to do from one start to the next. More often than not, it’s good, but I’d be lying if I had any confidence. It’s his first season. We’re feeling each other out.
Tanner Bibee – 7 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.77. On one hand, I want him to be better. On the other hand, I don’t mind him lowering his draft price for next year. On a third hand that is actually Hamburger Helper, I don’t have him in any leagues so my priorities are not the average Bibee owner.
Matt Vierling – 1-for-2, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer. Grabbed him yesterday for a batty call. Grey’s got the magic touch!
Reese Olson – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.30. He is having a perfectly fine season as far as ratios go, but it shows you how fickle all this is when you see he could be as good as Seth Lugo or as bad as Pablo Lopez.
Joey Loperfido – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, as he hits 9th. Hey, one love, but he’s not playing anywhere close to everyday, and I had to be move on.
Bryce Miller – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 1 K, ERA at 3.63 vs. Michael King – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.41. Miller/King matchup was just missing Cody Bellinger from this being the High Life.
Cristopher Sanchez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.96. Without Betts in the lineup and with Will Smith resting, the Dodgers have three bats in their lineup.
Kyle Schwarber – 1-for-4 and his 18th homer, hitting .250. Interesting that he’s hitting for a better average this year and five less homers than where he was last year. Though, he did have an IL stint. Any hoo! I guess this means nothing. Just jabbering!
Bobby Miller – Sent to the minors. He’s been hurt so much of the year that people forget what a huge bust this is. Big Booby Miller, indeed.
Gavin Stone – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.26. It’s pretty cool of the Phils/Dodgers to give people a preview of the NLCS.
Sam Hilliard – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st and 2nd homer. My 2021 fantasy sleeper’s not looking so bad after all!
Frankie Montas – 7 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.38. Streaming against the Rockies I’m getting a bad case of the suckies.
Jonathan India – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Thank you, India (not sung like Alanis Morissette).
Tyler Stephenson – 2-for-4 and his 8th homer, 2nd homer in as many games. Tyler up, tie me down!
Nick Pivetta – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.18. Could be a buy low. Could also be a cry for help that ends in an ulcer.
Leody Taveras – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. He will be in Friday’s Buy column, but why wait for that hot schmotato alert?
Griffin Canning – 4 1/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 4.84. Been starting him occasionally at home with surprisingly mixed results.
Mickey Moniak – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .198. How demeaning is it for Moniak that he’s batting behind roughly six guys who have been DFA’d by other teams? Okay, how demeaning will it be when the Angels DFA him?
Zach Neto – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .250. He also has six DFA’d players in front of him. Unlike Moniak, Neto is actually decent.
Salvador Perez – 3-for-7, 4 RBIs and his 15th and 16th homer. If he hits another home run in his next game, the chances of someone mentioning Salvador Perez’s HOF chances goes up by 2.7 percent. It’s new at Statcast.
MJ Melendez – 2-for-8, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. He’s so lucky that it’s normal to have a .195 average nowadays. Ten years ago, he would’ve been a sore thumb sticking out with that average.
Kyle Isbel – 2-for-3, 3 runs and a slam (7) and legs (6), hitting .232. Difference between him and Corbin Carroll is Isbel wasn’t drafted in the top three overall.
Lars Nootbaar – 2-for-8, 2 runs and his 6th homer, hitting .235. Say goodbye, Mr. Nootbaar!
Nolan Arenado – 2-for-8 and his 8th homer, as he was dropped to the six hole. Hey, just gonna leave my prized possession, this Jewish athlete pamphlet by this open window–NOOOOO!!! Torenado!
Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-8, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, 2nd homer in as many games. Au Shizz!
Alec Burleson – 2-for-8, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer. Do you think he makes my top 100 for the 2nd half that gets released next Tuesday? If you do not think so, you have not been following my burgeoning love for Burleson. I’m a bear because I love Burle, man!
Luis Robert Jr. – 1-for-7, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. Could be a top 10 bat in the 2nd half? Yes. Will he? What am, a freakin’ Magic Eight Ball?
Brooks Lee – 1-for-9 as he hit his 2nd homer, and hit leadoff in the 2nd game of the DH. [drool forms in mouth, dribbles down to chin]
Erick Fedde – 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.99. Fedde is like, “Get me the heck off this team, please!”
Drew Thorpe – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 3.58. Random Streamonator guy has a better start than Pablo Lopez I’m so sick.
Pablo Lopez – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.11. He gave up a home run to Martin Maldonado. Martin Mal-as-in-bad-don’t-know-nada about hitting! What are we doing here with Lopez? Can I cash out his stellar peripherals? I want off this ride.
Matt Wallner – 3-for-6 and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in two games. I nearly wrote a Wallner preseason sleeper because he had big power and I liked him. Cut to five months later, and Wallner who? No, I kid. But he is hitting at the bottom of the order (maybe that changes) and is in a likely platoon (that never changes on the Twins).
Bailey Ober – 6 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.14. He was throwing a no-hitter through four innings, and I began to write the most glowingest glowing thing you’ve ever read. Here it is, unedited, “Bailey Ober is the greatest–” Then he gave up a three-run homer.
