Yesterday, Francisco Lindor (4-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs) and Brandon Nimmo (3-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs) with his 8th homer showed one of the most important struggles in human history: Not being able to hit to save one’s life vs. being touched by Grimace. I think we know the truth now. Grimace’s magical touch was only stated magical by wisened men after they witnessed his curative slump powers. Grimace’s touch, as depicted with humans on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, is the most powerful touch one can hope to experience in this world. Grimace’s touch elevates this world into the ethereal. Michelangelo, noted Mets fan, painted the Sistine Chapel ceiling hoping to depict Grimace’s touch but used God, because no one would believe Grimace. His curves too grape-like, even for the Renaissance period. The Mets are now better than defending World Series champions, Rangers, after being touched by Grimace. Ignore his power at your own risk!
Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
David Peterson – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.97. Grimace runs through a wall like the Kool-Aid Man but doesn’t say oh yeah. “Save the theatrics!” he screams at Kool-Aid.
Jon Gray – 3 IP, 9 ER, ERA at 3.31. I benched Reese Olson and Braxton Garrett, and naturally started Jon Gray. Naturally! Hoisted by my own petard! Imagine thinking one can go at the Mets after they were touched by Grimace. The power of Grimace compels you!
Jacob deGrom – Threw off the Monday for the 1st time since Tommy John surgery. I’m sure it’ll be clear sailing right back to the majors with no setbacks.
Carson Spiers – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.20 as he took the ball in his first start. He had been working out of the pen to great success, which is me sorta talking out loud the reasoning behind some of the FAAB bids I saw for him this past Sunday. He works off a 93 MPH, 87 MPH change, 82 MPH slider and 88 MPH cutter — snooze. FAAB bids could have something to do with the value of a two-start starter. Looks like a spot-starter, who I wouldn’t trust even if the Streamonator liked him, which it doesn’t.
Paul Skenes – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.29. He might be the quickest starter ever to become the top starter drafted overall. He has a legit chance to get there for next year. Would take some flame-outs and him getting enough innings, but it’s possible. At worst he’s a top five starter for next year. That’s nuts.
Brandon Drury – 0-for-3 as he was activated from the IL. Drury is such a non-issue I honestly didn’t know he was even on the IL.
Zach Neto – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, 3rd homer in a week, as he continues to hit 7th. Who’s gonna buy Ron Washington blow and sign a note saying it’s from Neto to get him moved up in the order?
Zach Plesac – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 1 K, in his 1st start of the year. Angels are the Island of Misfit Toys.
Johan Rojas – Optioned to the minors. Phils going with Dahl, Pache, and Merrifield instead should make Johan Rojas from embarrassment.
Trea Turner – 2-for-5, 1 run as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s Get Him In Your Lineup Department said, “I’m not going to HR, that spot on my khakis was aioli!”
Kyle Schwarber – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 15th and 16th homer, hitting .253. Schwarber has 1,208 homers in his career on the date of June 17th. On every day of June, he has at least a thousand homers. I was worried in the preseason about Schwarber’s batting average, and strikeouts, and I was the only one who whiffed on that one. He’s on the verge of a top 5 outfielder season on the Player Rater. Tucker, Judge and Soto seem clearly above him, but there’s a wide-open race for 4th outfielder overall, and The Schwarbomber is ready to take flight.
Cristopher Sanchez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.91. I nearly called him Topher and I slapped the taste out of my own mouth. Topher is the most egregious nickname of any name in history. And I’m including Dick for Richard. Any hoo! Ya know who Sanchez reminds me of? Stroman. Not elite Ks, elite ground balls, and solid ratios.
Corbin Carroll – MRI on his left side was clean. Can they MRI his right side? His shoulders? Legs? Everywhere on his body until they find the reason he sucks?
Gerrit Cole – Will officially return on Wednesday vs. the O’s, i.e., Cole set to turn to the diamond. Someone put out an APB for early fantasy drafters who grabbed Cole in the 1st round and are now onto fantasy football.
Anthony Rizzo – Hit the IL with a fractured arm. Do Cubs fans appreciate the selling of souls that Rizzo, Baez and Bryant did for their 2016 championship? My guess is DJ LeMahieu moves to first and Oswaldo Cabrera to third.
Hurston Waldrep – Hit the IL with elbow soreness. Interesting that they didn’t send him down first. Not sure what that means other than singing “Hurst so good,” now refers to his elbow.
Ozzie Albies – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer. That ties him with Kyle Higashioka for 168th place on the home run leaderboard. Smiling emoji whose smile begins to crack and we see it’s actually lipstick.
Reese Olson – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.39. Sonavabench! Olson’s peripherals actually back him up to be a usable four to five starter, but not one with a ton of upside.
Braxton Garrett – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.35. Sonavabench! Wasn’t a good day for me, if you can’t tell. In more favorable news, Braxton’s peripherals are saying he should be much better as far as his ratios go. Wins are another wax of bees. His teammate, AJ Puk? Moved to 0-8.
Sonny Gray – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.95. Every year Sonny Gray is quietly one of the best starters.
Masyn Winn – 2-for-6, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .295. On pace for a 10/20/.290 season, i.e., that’s a Winn.
Miguel Rojas – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI as he hit 7th, and took over at shortstop. If you had allusions of Miguel Vargas, a Dodgers’ beat writer said Rojas was their new shortstop without Betts, who received a timetable of 6-to-8 weeks. What’s Ohtani gonna do without Betts? Read a book?
James Paxton – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.65. Oh man, I’m gonna get sonavabenched by Bobby Miller on Wednesday, aren’t I? By the by, Paxton? Not great this year. His record? 7-1. Ha.
Hunter Goodman – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, 3rd homer in three games, and in Coors all week. Hot schmotato alert!
Michael Busch – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, and hitting near-.330 in June. Also, in this game, Ian Happ (2-for-3, 3 RBIs) hit his 8th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. If it’s heating up in Wrigleyville, then I’m getting horny like the Festrunk brothers.
Hector Neris – 1 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 4.73, and his 4th blown save. I wonder if the Cubs are familiar with Tanner Scott.
Heliot Ramos – 2-for-5 and his 9th homer, and 3rd homer in four games. The hot schmotato never died here.
Thairo Estrada – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .243. Has been doody, but is due. It’s symmetry.
Jordan Hicks – 5 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.82 vs. Javier Assad – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.75. This was a matchup billed as, “Of course I gave up on both of these guys too early. Neither of them have 3 ERAs, what am I doing?” This matchup billing was for an audience of one.
Yimi Garcia – Hit the IL, dealing with elbow soreness from his ulnar nerve. So, I was mistaken yesterday. I thought Yimi just sucked, but it turned out he sucked for a reason. Before you j’accuse me, j’know that I didn’t know any better. J’ignorance j’bliss. Everyone wants the new Jays’ closer to be Chad Green, and Jays’ manager Schneider, with a pack of cigarettes rolled up in his t-shirt sleeve, also said the next closer in line is Green. Hopefully, he runs with it, because after him it gets messy with Nate Pearson, Trevor Richards, Brandon Little, Spanish phenom BarcelonatoBilbao Essixhoursbytrain, Zach Pop or anyone else real or imagined.
Yusei Kikuchi – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.65, and allowed four homers. Yusei trying to get me to hate Lisa Loeb, but it’s not going to happen. My lust is immune! (Sounds like something a real sicko exclaims.) My lust is not immune for Yusei. His peripherals are solid, but, man, I can’t cash a check on solid peripherals.
Davis Schneider – 1-for-5 and his 9th homer, 2nd homer in five games, and also the guy people seem most likely to want to drop to waivers in every comment.
David Hamilton – Dealing with side discomfort. That sends a chill up my spine. Burr.
Nick Pivetta – 7 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.88. You think to yourself, “Self, Pivetta is better than Kikuchi now?” No, he’s not, look at his ERA. They’re prolly a coin flip on matchups though. Streamonator loves Pivetta’s next, which seems scary, but alas, I thought Kikuchi was safe.
Ceddanne Rafaela – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 8th homer, hitting .243. This is gonna blow your mind, but he’s around a top 30 outfielder overall on the Player Rater.
Rafael Devers – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer, hitting .282. Rafael delivers!
Tyler O’Neill – 2-for-4, and his 13th and 14th homer. Mr. Boom-bat-stick, tell him he’s fantastic, he says, ‘I’m Mr. Prorater, stats accumulator, injury hits and I’m gonna crater.’
