Byron Buxton (2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 15th and 16th homer, hitting .278) went from one of the most exciting players in baseball who couldn’t stay healthy to one of the most boring players who is staying on the field. It must’ve been like, “Hey, I can give you 110%, if percentages went over 100%, and you will see flashes of Eric Davis. You will marvel at my deering-do. The gumption when my brakes ain’t pump-tion. The sizzle in the flash in the pan. Or I can give you 62% and be kinda okay.” I honestly don’t know which I prefer. [sees Royce Lewis hit 27 homers in 26 games and miss 98% of the season] I guess Buxton? I still don’t know. Buxton’s become Jake Meyers with seemingly more in the tank. Call him Riding-the-brakes Meyers. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Simeon Woods Richardson – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.78. This might be absolute hooey, but it seems like there’s more pitchers this year who are pitching to contact and not walking as many guys. Like they clued in on what I was saying in the preseason. With the pitch clock, there’s no time to be worrying about strikeouts. Hitters are going to fail seven of ten times, so just throw a strike and see what happens.
David Festa – 3 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 70 pitches, ERA at 5.20. Quick hook for Dave Party, which sucked because I streamed him. Hey, it’s my Party, I’ll cry if I want to.
Emmanuel Clase – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 0.66, as he got his 35th save. Never talk about closers when they’re going well, but gotta hand it to Clase. He’s Class A. He loaded the bases with zero outs yesterday and it was still like, “Nah, you ain’t scoring.” Phenomenal.
David Fry – 1-for-4 and his 11th homer, hitting .271. Dropped Elias Diaz in one league for Fry and never looked back. Well, except now. This is technically a look back.
Tanner Bibee – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.39. If every pitcher of yours has a 2.5 BB/9 or lower, you can’t go that wrong.
Yariel Rodriguez – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.60. He’s 51.3% O-Contact%, which is near best in league with Glasnow (if Yariel qualified, he doesn’t, obviously), and his Z-Contact% is worse than average. Small sample, so prolly means nothing but pretty interesting if you take a moment, put your hand on your chin and contemplate that. He is untouchable on balls nowhere near the plate, and is easy to square up on balls in it. Streamonator doesn’t love his next one, but I could see it.
Chris Bassitt – 4 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.30. Bassitt read earlier in the week how I said he threw his best start of the year and was like, “Watch this,” and did the Usher hand motions.
Daulton Varsho – 2-for-3 and his 14th homer, hitting .207. You could teach someone who doesn’t know baseball what makes a good top-of-the-order hitter and they could figure out a better place in the order for Varsho than the two-hole. Unless two-hole is meant to connote crap. Then, well played.
Osvaldo Bido – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.92. Was vs. Yariel on Saturday, and, funnily enough, his Ks and command look eerily similar, like if they ‘jumped out of a closet and yelled boo’ eerie. Streamonator actually likes his next one an itty-Bido more.
JJ Bleday – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer, hitting .243. Being a streaky hitter and getting three hits gets an immediate hot schmotato alert.
Zack Gelof – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer, hitting .201. Kinda same deal as Bleday, but also Gelof homered earlier in the week, and the A’ss are a sneaky ‘don’t mess with them’ streaming against team, which makes Yariel’s Saturday start the more impressive.
JP Sears – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.32. Don’t trust Sears on the road, but if you had the pants grapes to start him, then good on you. Go tell a girl at a bar how you went to Sears in a desperation move and it worked, she’ll be impressed.
Spencer Arrighetti – 7 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 13 Ks, ERA at 5.14. I say last week he looks like a 2025 sleeper and homeboy starts blowing up my spot. Shush!
Hunter Brown – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.96. I’d say his post-April run should be instructive for future years. When (player’s name) struggles in April, you might not want to drop him, but we all know when (player’s name) struggles in April next year, you’re dropping his sorry ass.
Yordan Alvarez – 2-for-2 and his 25th homer, and 3rd homer in two games. Captain Woo Cubano turning up the gas in Beantown.
Jeremy Pena – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (10) and legs (13), hitting .273. Jeremy’s pokin’! (The ball)
Alex Bregman – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 17th homer, 2nd homer in two games. Don’t worry, he won’t hit more than 25 homers on the year, Dude’s the most predictable player in baseball.
James Paxton – Left yesterday’s game limping. Unless he was practicing to be a pimp, it looked bad. Not good bad. Saying it’s a calf strain. Boo.
Gerrit Cole – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.70. This is how my rostering of Cole has gone, “Okay, gonna start him…” Then one of the worst starts of his career. Of course that leads to, “I need to bench him…” Then vintage Cole.
Aaron Judge – 3-for-3, 2 runs and a slam (42) and legs (6), hitting .328, and hitting near .500 in the last week. Judge is like, “You like Bobby Witt Jr. for AL MVP? That’s cute.”
Juan Soto – 2-for-5 and two homers (29, 30), hitting .304. Also, in this game, Giancarlo Stanton (1-for-2, 4 RBIs) hit his 20th homer. Rangers starting pitcher was Heaney, but he only allowed one homer. Oh, he still sucked, but only one homer. I’m just pointing shizz out. I’m The Great Pointing-Shizz-Out’er.
Marcus Stroman – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 4.01. He’s sorta bleh for fantasy, but in real life: He went to Kanye’s dentist for his grill. If you’re not familiar with Kanye’s dentist, please Google him. He looks like a bouncer for a strip club.
Jasson Dominguez – Boone said there’s nowhere for Dominguez to play, so there’s no timetable for his return, which is what I’ve been saying for about four months. Need Big G or Verdugo, who thinks he’s a G, to go down to injury.
Cody Bradford – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.60. Big lefty who had ridiculously good command, but has not had great results, in general — career 4.89 ERA in 81 IP. All the peripherals say he should be better. So, prolly a monocle on the cyclops, but maybe Streamonator if the league is deep enough.
Carson Kelly – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .250. Rangers’ beat reporter said Kelly might’ve supplanted Heim for the starting job. I say, “So?” Tomato-tomahto, Kelly-Heim, So…So?
Jake Burger – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 22nd homer. He had seven homers on July 1st, now 22. Also, he hit 17 HRs from July 1st on last year. Cust kayin’.
Max Meyer – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.20. Love to hear the thought process behind throwing him for all these innings in a lost season. Get to his Tommy John surgery faster? Incapacitate him so they don’t have to pay him ever? They don’t know how numbers work? I have questions, y’all!
Andrew Nardi – 1 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 5.01. In a clear save opportunity, Calvin Faucher was not called on, unless they tried, and the Marlins haven’t paid their bullpen phone bill, which is possible. Faucher’s been solid so I can see holding, but this is clearly, uh, unclear mixed signals.
Nick Martinez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.16. Pitching well all year but only his seventh game started. He has an under-1 BB/9 in 91 IP. Yeah, that plays, even with a 37% GB%. He gets the Royals next, which is incredibly scary to me, but he’s been great — a 0.91 ERA in his past 11 appearances. FAAB’d him, we shall see!
Nick Lodolo – 5 1/3 IP, 3 Er, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.99. Well, at least one Reds’ Nick is good. Not this one!
Tyler Stephenson – 2-for-3 and his 15th homer, hitting .248, 2nd homer in the week. In one two-catcher league, I have Stephenson and David Fry. Not saying it’s amazing, but tell me again why you need to draft catchers high.
Tobias Myers – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.79. Brewers are the NL’s version of the Guards in that they just be making aces.
Joey Ortiz – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .252, hitting near-.330 in the last week. Trying to find a schmotato and prolly comes down to Joey Or-what.
Michael Wacha – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.50. Told you when he was activated he was wildly underrated. You just have to defend against terrible matchups. Like this week’s start I find to be meh.
Lucas Erceg – 1 1/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.14, and the save on Saturday, as Hunter Harvey went on the IL. Just as the Orioles’ pen is TCBY, as in iT’s Cano BabY. The Royals’ pen is Coldstone Creamery, as in it’s anyone except McArthur, who should be working at Coldstone and not pitching in the majors.
Craig Kimbrel – 1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 3.35, as Yennier Cano worked in too many games in a row, so the O’s lost. Cause and effect.
Albert Suarez – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.39. You do a Skibidi in the toilet like Bassitt and your FAAB goes down and I don’t want you. You rise from the ashes like Suarez and your FAAB goes up, and now I want you more. Like somehow their futures are affected. I’m being philosophical, I think. Work with me, I’m doing the Whole 30 and haven’t had carbs in two weeks.
Jeffrey Springs – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.61. Springs, I’m already sprung for you for next year. You don’t need to sway me further.
MacKenzie Gore – 4 IP, 0 ER, 5 hits, 6 walks, 2 Ks, and 5 unearned runs, ERA at 4.50. Man, he’s got the filth, but he’s also sloppy as hell. Sound like I’m talking about Messy Marvin. Check me out with the new references. Okay, how about, “Who is Gore? The Rizzler with a Takis Costco deal?” (It’s better if you don’t understand that 2nd one.) Gore can be great, but someone needs to figure out his mechanics.
Jacob Young – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. I really needed power in this one league, so I benched Young for Coby Mayo. Naturally!
Jorge Soler – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 15th and 16th homer. Even after signing a big contract, Soler is still good in Coors. Damn, way to subtweet Kris Bryant.
Travis d’Arnaud – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .252. How has he not supplanted Murphy for the starting job? Is Murphy that good of a framer? Is this somehow connected to Aaron Brothers going out of business?
Max Fried – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.56. No joke, hope he’s not permanently damaging his arm.
Spencer Schwellenbach – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.95. I want to give him my full-throated endorsement. My Hawk Tuah, so to speak, but the Braves seem to be managing his innings. His peripherals say he is pitching solidly.
Julio Rodriguez – 0-for-5, 5 Ks, as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “I wasn’t talking lewd, Margaret, I just said, ‘My weekend was nice. She bingo’d on my bango until I Chuck’d my Woolery.’”
Cal Raleigh – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 25th and 26th homer. Loved the Karl Ravech home run call, “Cal Raleigh is anything but ass!!!…then again he is 98% ass.”
Jorge Polanco – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 11th homer. Ya know who else has 11 homers? That’s right, Jeff McNeil (1-for-3). Ya know who else? [sad trombone] Julio Rodriguez.
Andrew McCutchen – 2-for-5, 4RBIs and his 15th and 16th homer. More like McClutch! Like a stick shift car? No, Random Italicized Voice.
David Bednar – 1 2/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 5.75. This was not a save opportunity, but he should not be closing. David craps the Bednar on the reg. Aroldis is the handcuff, sorta like he uses on women in his hotel room.
River Ryan – 4 2/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1.33, and on the way to an easy victory when he was pulled at 56 pitches with tightness in his forearm. If I were at the game, I would’ve charged the field like Kanye and been like, “Forearms are good and all, but imma let him finish the inning so I can get my win!”
Max Muncy – Will be activated along with Tommy Edman during the Dodgers’ next homestand. This weekend the Dodgers said, “Hey, since we’re in the Bermuda Triangle, we may as well bring back both guys.”
Aaron Nola – 5 IP, 3 ER, 12 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.60 vs. Zac Gallen – 4 1/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 3.69. This was a matchup of aces! Emoji that is trying to keep a straight face as it rolls its eyes.
Cristopher Sanchez – 4 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 3.63. Welp, we had a good run. Now two of his last three starts have been hideous. Streamonator likes his next and I could see giving him one final shot, but the trust is gone.
Merrill Kelly – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.43 as he was activated from the IL, pitching his first game since April. That’s a quick turnaround from Tommy John. [intern whispers in ear] But it’s Return From Tommy John Month! Merrill is a solid backend fantasy starter. Think what Jordan Montgomery should be. Call him JoMoBThere.
Corbin Carroll – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Also, in this game, Jake McCarthy (3-for-5, 1 run, 4 RBIs) is one of the hottest schmotatoes in the land. DBags are just nasty right now. Do not come for them.
Matt Vierling – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer. Some guys I mention and I think about how depressing it is if you have them, then I look at my AL-Only team and there’s Vierling.
Dillon Dingler – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Dingler? I bought you six rolls of toilet paper last week!
Ryan Walker – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.20, and his 1st save on Saturday. Giants sent Doval down to the minors on Friday in a shocking move if you were in a coma since April. “They sent down Doval? Oh my God! Hopefully my other drafted closer Adbert Alzolay is okay!” Coma Man, you might want to sit down. So, Walker has been solid all year, doesn’t appear to be a Cuddle Boy, and I’d try to grab him everywhere. Behind him might be Jordan Hicks or Tyler Rogers. I think that’s the right Rogers. So dumb they have twins on their team. That shizz should be disallowed. You building a team or filming The Parent Trap?
