Cade Povich was called up to the O’s taxi squad — Reiger that! — because they were unsure if Bradish could go, and it turned out he couldn’t, so enter: Cade Povich off the taxi squad like Tony Danza, sung like Elton John. Povich was in the Itch’s last top 50 prospects update, barely sneaking in the tail end. Povich coming up to face the Jays is perfect because last time we saw Povich he was chasing Springer. “Coming up after this commercial, the DNA test results for this former throuple. Which one of these young men are the father?” We see two 20-something men who look like Jeffrey Dahmer who absolutely don’t want to be a father; one burps. Cade Povich struggled when he was first called up to Triple-A, but had a 3.10 ERA and 104 Ks in 78 1/3 IP since September, and over the proverbial bumps. Povich has solid strikeout potential, but no command, and looks like a Streamonator call in 12-team and shallower mixed leagues, and a grab in deeper leagues. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Anthony Santander – 1-for-3, and his 12th homer, 2nd homer in three games, third homer in the last five games. Is he available anywhere? He’s not, right? That usually is the key to me saying schmotato. Well, if he is, he, uh, is.
Jose Berrios – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.80. The real star of yesterday’s game was Israel Diner Falafel, which is why we’re moving onto the next blurb.
Tyler O’Neill – 2-for-4 as he was activated from the IL. As frequent commenter Scoboticus said, “Tyler O’Neill is back from his SchwellenKnee and is facing a Schwellenbach!”
Rafael Devers – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 12th and 13th homer. Outside of one week this year and yesterday, Devers only has five homers, which is the kind of magical thinking that gets people in trouble.
Jarren Duran – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 4th homer, hitting .261. He’s hit almost exclusively from the leadoff slot every game, which is how he ended up leading the majors in at-bats, and how he’s on pace for, like, 660 ABs. Don’t want to overuse my zoinkses, but that’s a zoinks.
Nick Pivetta – 7 IP, 1 hit, 2 walks, 0 ER, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.40. His opponent, the Braves, are the best terrible team I’ve ever seen. Just a gnarly underperforming lineup. Besides Ozuna, is anyone performing to expectations? They suck! Any hoo! Pivetta pitched well.
Spencer Schwellenbach – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 8.38. This matchup was an easy Schwellenbench. He lines up for a two-start week next Monday, and I’m ready to make irresponsible choices, but he gets the O’s, the Streamonator thinks it’s nuts, and I’m not making that irresponsible of choices.
Omar Narvaez – Released by the Mets. Hey, Narvaez isn’t exactly great, and the Mets aren’t going anywhere, but the Mets released him to start Luis Torrens? Man, the Mets are dumb.
Luis Torrens – 2-for-4, and his 1st and 2nd homer. The Mets are skibidi!
Francisco Lindor – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 10th homer. Buy low is still possible, because you have to know what skibidi means to know if it’s good to purposely get involved with Mets players.
Luis Severino – 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.25. What’s even more incredible about this start, he did it while carrying a sandwich board that read, “Get me off the Mets, please. I am begging,” then on the other side said the same in Spanish. For what it’s Cronenworth, his peripherals say he’s pitching way worse than his stats, and I wouldn’t trust him.
Luis Matos – Sent down with the activation of Austin Slater. Matos went from hero to zero quicker than Jared from Subway.
Blake Snell – MRI of his groin showed a minor [snicker] strain.
Jordan Montgomery – 2 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 6.41. Random person in March, “Why aren’t Jordan Montgomery and Blake Snell signed yet? MLB is so broken!” Same person now, “Why did the DBacks and Giants sign these turds? Haha, they’re such stupid teams!” This person is me, by the way. Any hoo! I benched JoMo where I have him, because my league is too deep to drop him, but he’s unstartable, and droppable in shallower leagues.
Pavin Smith – 3-for-4 and his 3rd homer, 2nd homer in his last two games, but not the DBags’ last two games, which is the problem. So, schmotato, but might not play every day.
Heliot Ramos – 2-for-2, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in three games, and 3rd homer in four games. [knocking on my own head] Hello, idiot! Hello…iot…Hel…iot! Oh my God, I was trying to tell myself! I am such an Heliot! Wait, idiot, I mean. To splash your cocktail with a little refresher, Ramos has power and speed and might hit .230. Right now, he has a goofy high BABIP, and none of this will continue, but he’s hot and should be grabbed.
Wilmer Flores – 2-for-6, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. Giants’ lineup goes Jorge Soler (2-for-6, 2 runs, 7th homer, hitting .215), Flores, Carl’s Jr. Jr., and Tyler Fitzgerald, and Fitzgerald is easily the best of them, and is also not good.
Jordan Hicks – 3 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 2.82. Giants jumped out to a huge early lead and Hicks paddled out for a free night at the W on the Ivictory Coast, and promptly sunk.
James Paxton – 1 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.19. That’s as bad as the Kevin Spacey-starrer K-Pax. That movie and his start are both 0% on Rotten Tomatoes.
Shohei Ohtani – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer. He was struck out on three pitches in his previous at-bat by Skenes, but then Rob Manfred put a bouncy ball in. I’m kidding! It was 100% Ippei! Hahahaha, right?
Andy Pages – 2-for-4 and his 6th homer, hitting well in June (.500), but, yeah, it’s only 12 at-bats. Still, might be time to revisit the Pages. His story might not be done. (I sound like a terrible sports show. Not like Clipped though, that’s a wonderful show. I don’t know anything about basketball, but Donald Sterling, V and Shelly are hilarious.)
Oneil Cruz – Pirates scored 10 runs and Cruz didn’t even play. Holy sit!
Paul Skenes – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.00. Skenes sounds like a car dealership, doesn’t he? Skenes, Skenes, Skenes, Skenes of Van Nuys! No? Hmm, maybe it’s me. Skenes looks like a top ten starter, no joke.
Braxton Garrett – 2 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.81. So, I think I’m done with Marlins’ starters for this year.
Zach Eflin – 4 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 4.14, as he returned from the IL. He was only gone two weeks! He could only throw 55 pitches? Ridiculous. Put Kevin Cash in The Hague.
TJ Friedl – 1-for-2, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (2) and legs (4). Can the Reds stay in Coors the rest of the year? Oh, I know their Great American Smallpark is Coors East, but it’s not Coors Coors.
Jeimer Candelario – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and a slam (8) and double legs (1, 2). Not sure how Coors made Jeimer faster, but it did.
Jonathan India – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .242, as he hits 8th. Okay, bear with me here, but what if we hypnotized the Reds players to think they’re always in Coors?
Spencer Steer – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .247 as he hits cleanup. Maybe we can be glass-half-fullers up in here and think this stint in Coors will ignite the Reds’ offense going forward. Yeah, that’s the ticket!
Jalen Beeks – 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.45. I try to be cognizant that people reading the roundup roster all these players. I try not to be too mean, if you can believe it, but if you had Beeks, you deserved this. Sorry, but no saves are worth rostering him. He sucks, the Rockies will lose 100 games and Coors.
Royce Lewis – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer, 2nd homer in two games, and on the historic pace of 38 games played with 38 homers.
Carlos Rodon – 6 IP, 2 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.08. Something I didn’t factor into when fading Rodon was that every pitcher who was drafted after 100 overall would be good so you didn’t have to fade anyone.
Paul DeJong – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer, and his 2nd homer in three games, and 3rd homer in a week. Was Treat Urner going down the best thing that happened for me? No, you Ding Dong Merchant! But Colonel Mustard has helped. Just don’t relish it.
Corey Julks – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer, hitting .315 from the leadoff spot, and you’re so beyond crazy if you think this is an endorsement.
Jameson Taillon – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.47. When you get hit by the White Sux, you automatically get DFA’d. Sorry, not my rules (they are my rules).
Mike Tauchman – 2-for-4, 3 runs and his 5th homer, hitting .269, as he continues to hit leadoff even with David Ross gone and his head being measured by science for Dumb.
Joey Estes – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.67. He had a 6+ ERA in Triple-A this year and 6+ ERA in the majors prior to this game. Also, the Seattle Pilots just need to get TommyDavis going, then they’ll be good.
Zack Gelof – 2-for-3 and a slam (5) and legs (6), 2nd homer in three games, and, as I said after his last homer, he’s been bad, but he should not be this bad.
Julio Rodriguez – 1-for-3 and his 5th homer. He only needed a 102 MPH fastball to muscle one out of the yard. We’re so good for when the M’s face a Cyborg army.
Justyn-Henry Malloy – 2-for-3 and his 1st homer. And he’s already better than Torkelson! Just gave you my Justyn-Henry Malloy fantasy the other day.
Kenta Maeda – Left yesterday’s game with abdominal discomfort. Now he knows how it feels to roster him.
Josh H. Smith – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and a slam (4) and legs (4), hitting .290 in the 3-hole. Jos A. Bank H. Smith will be in tomorrow’s Buy column, which is already available on Patreon.
Jonah Heim – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. Or is it Jona H.H. Eim? Hmm…hmm…hmm?
Nick Castellanos – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, as he was moved up to the two-hole. Well, we know what comes out of the two-hole, so I guess I get the logic.
Aaron Nola – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.77. Next year Nola’s ERA is going to be 8.70 and he’s going to personally go to each of his fantasy owners’ houses and burn them to the ground. If you know Saberhagenmetrics, you know what’s up.
Robert Gasser – Headed to see Dr. ElAttrache about his flexor strain. Might want to see Dr. Reattach.
Aaron Ashby – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners (5 BBs), 3 Ks, ERA at 6.23, as he was recalled from the minors. [sees his minor league ERA was 6.80, opens multiple other sources to make sure I’m not reading that wrong] Well, the good thing about Aaron Ashby is he’s driving up internet traffic.
Jose Soriano – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 3.64. Soriano glitching out the Streamonator. He’s supposed to be bad, but good for Ks. [snap fingers and ends in a My Little Teapot pose to emphasis] Supposed to be.
Nolan Schanuel – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer. He has a .287 OBP. He’s leading off basically every game. Continuing on!
Nolan Arenado – 1-for-3 and his 6th homer. Wanna see my collection of merkins that were used in Caligula? Here, I have them by this open window–NOOOOO!!! Torenado!
Miles Mikolas – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.32. His opponent, Astros, are actually a solid hitting team, so props, as they say in Carrot Top’s house.
Yainer Diaz – 1-for-3 and his 6th homer, and his 2nd homer in the last two games, third homer in the last three games, and only 15 more straight games with a homer! C’mon!
Ronel Blanco – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 2.78. Ooh, what’s the problem? Ball slipping out of your hand?
Trey Cabbage – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. Fun fact! Tré Cabbage is a $22 salad at a trendy restaurant.
