Folx, it’s RazzBowl time! I know it’s SEO death to start a baseball article with an advertisement for a football league, but we’re kind of in the fantasy baseball abyss and football draft season is starting. If you’re in RazzBowl with me, feel free to give a shout. If you publicly hate football (like Grey) but secretly love a team that plays on the opposite coast from you that is named after a Dolphin (like Grey), let me know who you’re cheering for in the comments. Everybody else who needs a hot add? Look below! We’ve got some useful players and familiar faces this week.
That’s What I Like
Max Schuemann (OAK, SS, 28% Rostered): When all else fails, pick up where you left off, right? I highlighted Schuemann in my last article where I actually highlighted players and didn’t just tell you to wildly add Robbie Ray with abandon. But nobody listened — the guy got some rostership movement but didn’t really go anywhere. What has Schuemann done over his last 10 games to merit a second look? A .371 average and a 177 wRC+, along with a slam and legs. “One homer and a steal per week? That’s cold fish, EWB”, I hear you saying through a mouthful of leftover clam chowder from your Fourth of July cookout. A slam and legs per week adds up to a 25/25 player over the course of the season, my child. There are a bunch of middling shortstops out there — Thairo Estrada is somehow still 80% rostered and he’s got 3 hits on the whole month and just hit the IL. J.P. Crawford is 50% rostered and has the same story with a couple more hits. Schuemann is still stuck in the nine-hole but his ability to get on base and then get driven home by Lawrence Butler (100% Rostered, unforch) is everything you want.
Nolan Schanuel (LAA, 1B, 27% Rostered): It’s come to this, eh? Your team is so desperate that you’re replacing your infield with Athletics and Angels. It’s like Coolwhip’s childhood dream! I was a big RBI Baseball fan (RBI Baseball 2, of course!) and like every other warm-blooded suburban child of the 90s, I lined up Rickey and McGwire and Canseco — I don’t even need their full names, you know them — and ‘roided out against whatever dumpy pitcher I could find. I digress. Schanuel is a first round pick from last year, which in Razzball terms usually means he’s like 150% owned while he’s still in the minors batting .150 and dealing with bilateral leg weakness. Something’s wrong with the cosmos because here he is in the majors, ranking at the fringe of the top 30 performers overall this past month, and nobody’s taking the bait. You don’t like his .309/.436/.481 split over the last month? Three dongs and two legs? Maybe we better run that last sentence by the style guide. Editor Truss — is there a better way to talk about three dongs and two legs? If so, put your statement here. (Nope, nailed it! – Truss) Readers — I know I told you to roster Carlos Santana and Ryan O’Hearn earlier in the year, but that was before the rookies got called up. We’ve got Schanuel in the majors and he’s lovely. If you’re stuck with a crappy 1B or still waiting for Matt Olson to figure himself out, go out and snag Schanuel and save your team’s playoff race.
Robbie Ray (SF, SP, 1% Rostered): It’s time, Razzfolx. You knew I couldn’t go long without telling you to add my bestest buddy. Editor Truss, please make the highlight graphic for this article Robbie’s tightly toned rear. kthxbai. (DONE! Even Freddie Freeman can’t take his eyes off that glorious badonk, peep them calves, even. Ray clearly does not skip leg day.) Ray’s freshly returned from Tommy John surgery, which means that he’s had 14 months to practice Halo 2 speedruns and get right with whatever deity he wants in his life. Ray’s had quite the career trajectory: starting with the Dbacks, he gets hit in the head with a line drive and somehow finishes the year in stellar form before spending a couple seasons with the yips. He gets figured out, gets a contract, and then the inevitable comes for all hard breaking ball types: the visit to Dr. Freeze. Loyal readers of my column know that we can’t expect too much out of Tommy John returnees — they’re usually inning capped and not allowed to fully stretch out in their returns. Often, TJ returnees have focused so much on their arm and core strength in rehab that they end up getting something like a strained calf or turf toe in their return, which further limits their workload. That said, the Giants are conceptually in the Wild Card race, with Fangraphs giving them an 18% chance of getting into the playoffs. That’s about as high as the Angels last year when they decided to keep Ohtani and make a playoff run. It’s also probably higher than the D-backs odds of getting to the World Series. Stranger things have happened. The Giants have Ray in a longer term contract, and what’s odd, is Ray can opt out this year. So, there’s an interesting synergy — both the Giants and Ray have a major incentive to do really well over the finish of the season. ENYWHEY. He looked reasonably good in his return last week, and now you’ve got the incentive to add him this week. Your team needs a starter, and R^2 is back, and everything is right with the world.
