I’m going to walk into my house of worship (Taco Bell) and get on my knees (into a booth with a chalupa) and ask the Big Man Upstairs to send me a sign on whether or not Triston Casas can be trusted next year. I don’t want an obvious sign (upset stomach after eating said chalupa). I want an honest-to-goodness real sign that he’s healthy for next year. No flimflammery! I will not stand for the flimflammery! [sees Triston Casas hit three homers in three straight at-bats] Great! Now, BMU, send me a sign on whether or not it’s safe to draft Pablo Lopez next year. God? Hello? So, Triston Casas (3-for-7, 7 RBIs, 10th, 11th, 12th homers) put the homes in home runs. By the way, if someone calls them homes run, call the police, they are extra-terrestrials wearing human skins. This year Casas’s strikeouts are out of control; his Hard Contact is down; his ground balls were up; overall, this was a stinky year. But I think we have to throw it out. It was a lost year, due to a fluky injury. Don’t see how I can stay away next year on a guy who could easily hit .270 and 35 homes run. Why are you running towards me with a pitchfork? Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Rafael Devers – Finally shut down for the rest of the year, after struggling through a shoulder injury that had me wincing at his at-bats almost as much as him. He was so bad he could barely hit Gerrit Cole.
Romy Gonzalez – 3-for-9, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 6th homer, 2nd homer in the week. Should play this week with Devers out, and has speed, if you need steals, even though he was making a living with the Ding Dongs.
Kutter Crawford – 7 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.17. Loved him coming into this year, and I cannot tell a lie with this powdered wig I’m wearing, I’m gonna like him again next year.
Kenley Jansen – Hit the IL with shoulder soreness. Red Sox will likely turn to Justin Slaten or Chris Martin. I don’t mean they’re gonna start blasting Coldplay and hope the opposing team just leaves the field, though that might be an idea.
Pablo Lopez – 4 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.11. On the first day of autumn, Pab-Lo wanted to remind you again of the summer when he absolutely sucked. Thanks for the memories!
Jared Jones – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.14. Actually, kinda like the way the Pirates are handling Jones. Wear him out and make him fail. Help him appreciate the good times more. Very philosophical.
Paul Skenes – 5 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 1.99. So, was trying to come up with the best rookie seasons for pitchers, and I think it’s 1. Mark Fidyrich 2. Fernando Valenzuela 3. Dwight Gooden 4. Tom Seaver 5. Jose Fernandez, 6. John Montefusco, then Paul Skenes. Not bad company!
Oneil Cruz – 1-for-3 and his 21st homer, hitting .268. While I am still openly mocking March Grey who was saying stuff like Oneil Cruz was safer than Elly, at the end of the day (season), Oneil had a solid year.
Hunter Greene – 3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 2.83, as he was activated from the IL. He’s gonna be a tough one to draft next year. Actually, anyone who throws over 99 MPH might be on my Don’t Draft List.
Sean Manaea – 7 IP, 3 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.29. Sean Manaea’s gonna get Cy Young votes. Cust kayin’.
Brandon Nimmo – 1-for-4 and his 22nd homer, and 3rd homer this week. Trying to think what’s the most heartbreaking way for the Mets to get crushed, because that always happens, and I keep going back to a one-game playoff with the Braves where Kelenic, their one-time prospect, kills them.
Coby Mayo – Optioned to Triple-A. Next year I’m going to start a Free The Mayo campaign, while dressed like the cheerleader from Varsity Blues, but with mayo. You know exactly what cheerleader I’m talking about, you dirty perv.
Kerry Carpenter – 2-for-3 and his 16th and 17th homer, hitting .290. Carpenter has the third highest SLG in baseball, behind Judge and Ohtani (min. 250 PA). Too bad he’s the reason for that janky, minimum cutoff.
Ozzie Albies – 1-for-5 and his 9th homer. Wanna study up on Saberhagenmetrics? Look at Albies’s stats. 24, 6, 30, 8, 33, 9 are his last six years’ worth of home run totals. About to draft him 1st overall next year.
Gio Urshela – 3-for-4 and his 8th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Hot schmotato alert!
Jake Burger – 2-for-4 and his 28th homer, and 2nd homer this week. Also, in this game, Jonah Bride (1-for-3) hit his 8th homer; Jesus Sanchez (1-for-4) hit his 18th homer and Connor Norby (1-for-5) hit his 9th homer. Marlins lit up Grant Holmes, who I thought was the star of Melrose Place. Hmm, maybe he was.
Landen Roupp – 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.70. Roupp, the old timey college basketball coach? Nope! The guy who I’m grabbing because he was the best guy on the Streamonator for me to grab? Youpp!
Blake Snell – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.12. If he had a decent 1st half, he’d have a negative 2 ERA. Don’t do the math, I already did.
Brady Singer – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.73. You’re gonna look at Singer’s ERA next March and think he had a mediocre year, but, well, it was mediocre. It was good for moments, though.
Seth Lugo – 7 IP, 2 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.03. Tired: Lugo will be overrated in next year’s drafts. Wired: He’ll be a bargain because he really is good and people don’t trust him to repeat.
Julio Rodriguez – 1-for-5, but 3 HRs the previous two games. It took him literally 23 weeks of a 24-week season to get hot. Lowercase yay!
Cal Raleigh – 1-for-3 and his 31st homer. That he doesn’t go to the plate with Baby Got Back as his walk-up is a damn shame.
Bryan Woo – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.02. Wooboy can’t throw more than 65 pitches without taking a thumping.
Max Scherzer – Hit the IL after being scratched on Saturday. You know you’re old when you hurt yourself scratching.
Wyatt Langford – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer. There’s that Spring Training power!
Leody Taveras – 3-for-4, 3 runs and a slam (12) and legs (21). He was in Friday’s Buy column, because Leody’s been a schmotato for over a week, a schmohawk before that, and sounding like a member of Heaven’s Gate Cult the whole time.
Jonathan Aranda – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, and 3rd homer in three games. If you take nothing else from this post, Aranda is the hottest bat right now in baseball.
Shane Baz – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.07. BAZinga!
Yoshinobu Yamamoto – 3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 2.96. Oh my God, vs. the Rockies at home? What was that? Was he trying to reach through the TV to kick me in the nuts? Because he succeeded.
Shohei Ohtani – 4-for-5, 2 runs and a slam (53) and double legs (54, 55), hitting .301. We’re over here like, “Oh my God, 50/50, you so cool, I want your autograph,” and Ohtani’s like, “For what? I haven’t gotten to 60/60 yet.”
Mookie Betts – 2-for-4 and his 19th homer. Mookie Best!
Teoscar Hernandez – 1-for-3 and his 31st homer. Also, in this game, Enrique Hernandez (2-for-4, 2 RBIs) hit his 11th homer. Dodgers preparing themselves to go as far in the playoffs as their hitting will take them, because their pitching is so janky.
Jasson Dominguez – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Gonna be playing Sheryl Crow’s My Favorite Mistake while drafting Dominguez way too early next year.
Aaron Judge – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 55th homer. Well, it’s not with 55 steals [makes farting noise with hand under armpit].
Gleyber Torres – 2-for-5 and his 15th homer. Have a feeling he’s going to have one of the worst seasons anyone’s ever seen next year on the M’s.
Reid Detmers – 2 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 6.67. No, no, no, no, no, NO! His ERA is really 6.66. We know it is! Reid Detmers is the devil! “A two-start week with a tasty matchup vs. the White Sox?” An innocent fantasy baseballer said to his computer screen last Sunday. Then Reid Detmers rose from the 7th circle of Hell, and, as he passed Circles of Hell one through six, he said, “Watch this,” then farted out flames.
Zach Neto – 3-for-5, 6 RBIs and two homers. Also, in this game, Jose Altuve homered. Who has more homers, Altuve or Neto? Without looking it up! Ugh, if you’re going to cheat, what’s the point? Yes, you’re right, Neto has three more homers (23), but you cheated. 65 to 77 on the RBI front too. Ha, too slow to cheat again.
Alex Bregman – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 25th homer. He is projected for between 24.77825812 and 25.3421872 home runs, so I think that’s it for him.
Spencer Arrighetti – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.61. Gonna be in on Arrighetti next year, but I bet he’s the type to get all kinds of helium.
Sonny Gray – Hit the IL with “I don’t want to help you win by getting a final two-start week, hope you understand.” I don’t!
Andre Pallante – 7 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.71. So goofy that I can’t get a decent start out of anyone that I drafted, and I have Pallante putting up back-to-back gems.
Jurickson Profar – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and a slam (24) and legs (10), hitting .285. Know what kind of season he had? What you were hoping for from Seiya.
Yu Darvish – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.18. This was vs. the Shite Sux, a team that only has to win the rest of its games to avoid losing more than any other team in history. That’ll happen!
Miguel Vargas – 2-for-4 and a slam (5) and legs (3). Not a bad season for Vargas, i.e., what Ohtani did in the last week.
Merrill Kelly – 5 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.71 vs. Aaron Civale – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.53. This is actually instructive for the final week of fantasy. A team who has already clinched vs. a team that needs to win? I’m going the team that needs to win if otherwise a push, or the Streamonator is close on both.
Jordan Montgomery – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 6.23. I get what he’s doing now. He blamed his terrible year on Boras already. He can’t start pitching well now, otherwise he’ll look like a liar.
Eugenio Suarez – 2-for-5 and his 29th homer. He is a home run hitter. He has the third most homers in the 2nd half. And, with that said, Ketel Marte (1-for-4, 2 runs) hit his 35th homer. Crazy year from Marte. You really trusting him next year to approach 40 homers again?
Josh Bell – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer. Hasn’t done a lick recently, and doesn’t even play every game, but he is the type to get crazy hot for a week.
Frankie Montas – 2 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.85. “Brewers’ starters are just in playoff-mode and can’t worry about regular season, right?” asked a guy who has money on the Brewers winning the World Series. Again, he asked, “Right?”
Matthew Boyd – 4 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 2.72. Somehow, he makes bad start after bad start, but his ERA is still good. Is Boyd paying off the official scorers? Yes and no. No, as in that’s what he’s saying. Yes, as in yes he is.
Shota Imanaga – 7IP, 0 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.91. Mumbling to myself, “Why couldn’t Yamamoto be this good all year?”
MacKenzie Gore – 7 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 3 walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.04. You don’t have to try so hard! I will be in on you again next year.
CJ Abrams – Was sent down to the minors because he was spotted at a Chicago casino, partying all night until 8 AM before a 1 PM day game. CJ Abrams was seen at the casino in his MLB-licensed Draft Kings hat. The Nats said in a statement, “If [Abrams] wanted to be a degenerate gambler, he should’ve went 50/50.”
