One of the most common bumper stickers on trucks in India is, “Taj Mahaulin’ Ass,” which is a bit of a country motto, that they don’t look kindly on altering. Raj Gopalaswami-Ramanathan, a South Indian truck driver, famously altered his bumper sticker to Raj Maulin’ Ass, and, one night, he was wrapped in 5-foot wide roti and thrown into the Tigris. So, to avoid a similar fate to RGR, we will be careful about nicknaming Taj Bradley (5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.42). Let’s just say he’s Taj Maulin’ Ace. Hey, who put this giant man-size pot of saag aloo under me? Ah, a little help. I’m kinda sinking. Very slowly. Help! So, this is going to blow your mind but Taj Bradley’s peripherals his rookie year? 11.1 K/9, 3.4 BB/9 and this year it’s 11.7 K/9, 3.3 BB/9. Ya know who that reminds me of? Former Rays’ starter, a young Tyler Glasnow. Maybe a hair lower. If Glasnow is a top 10-15 starter, Taj is on his way to a top 20 to 25 starter. Of course, he needs to last longer than 100 IP in a season. Though, I guess if the Glasnow comp holds, he doesn’t need to throw many more IP. Taj was considered an ace-in-the-making in the minors, and he’s makin’ good time as Taj Haulin’ Ace! …uh, still sinking here. Can you throw me a piece of mild cheese as a raft? What do you mean, ‘That’s for saag paneer?’ Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Randy Arozarena – 2-for-4 and his 11th homer, hitting .196. This month he went 3/3/.285, which is basically what you expect from The Rice Bowl multiplied by six for the season. The problem is his overall numbers are suffering because he had an April of one homer, two steals and hit .112. He will never make up for that, I fear. My syntax, Yoda likes.
Isaac Paredes – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 13th homer, hitting .276. Marching around my desk singing a’la Ethel Merman, “I love a Paredes!”
Jose Caballero – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .246. I wouldn’t put money on him just doubling his stats for the 2nd half of the year but I lost a bet to Mr. Prorater so he says I have to tell you Caballero is on pace for a 10/48 season.
Aaron Civale – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 5.07. The usual ‘boring but reliable’ Rays’ starters turned to pumpkins this year, huh? Just Charlie Brown out there in a patch being like, “Yo, ya’ll pumpkins!” Streamonator hates Civale’s next, and I wouldn’t push it with him.
Jake Irvin – 6 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 3 walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.03. Feel like I’ve said some variation of “Jake Irvin is not as bad as you think” about four times now. Count this as number five. Ya know who Jake Irvin is? Some ‘perts at other sites are gonna be like, “Jake Irvin is a 2025 sleeper,” and you’re gonna be like, “Grey’s been talking about him since June of last year. Also, Grey’s more handsome.”
James Wood – Being called up today. I just gave you my James Wood fantasy. Dan Pants just gave you his James Wood fantasy. Prospect Itch just gave you his James Wood fantasy. Tonight, because there’s hardly any games today, I’ll prolly give you another James Wood fantasy. In the name of James Woods, star of the movie Salvador, pick up James Wood.
Triston McKenzie – Optioned to the minors. Last year he had elbow issues — a UCL sprain — and rather than have surgery, guess what he did? I’ll give you one guess. Bingo! Rest and rehab! Then, when he came back, the doctor looked at his elbow. Held it in his hand and said, “Could you rub your elbow on your other elbow? Wanna see if you’re an actual matchstick.” The sad thing here is he’ll get rocked in the minors, and eventually he’ll have surgery that he should’ve had last June and he’s wasted a full year of his career.
Gavin Williams – Will make his debut this week. He gets the White Sux, so I don’t mind the flyer, but he’s felt renewed discomfort in his elbow during his rehab starts, and I literally just said what happened to McKenzie. If any future MLB SPs are reading this, have the surgery and return 14 months later. Do not rest and rehab.
Tanner Bibee – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.47. He’s an ace, which you know, but all I wanna talk about is The Jhonky!
Seth Lugo – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.17. Mets have been doing solid in June, so ya know what will be a nice reminder to their fans they’re still the Mets? When the AL and NL All-Star Game starters are their ex-pitchers, Seth Lugo and Zack Wheeler.
Tobias Myers – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.26. I like Myers, but let me tell you I am 100% rooting for regression this week when he goes to Coors, because he’s gonna be on my bench. Get all that regression out of your system there. Please.
Christian Yelich – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. Having a respectable season, but that I put money on him to win the NL MVP is so funny. Tucupita wouldn’t even bet that Yelich would beat Ohtani.
Brice Turang – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 6th homer, a grand slam. About to pass Mookie Betts on the Player Rater. Prefer a comparison to a guy who’s been playing? Turang is pretty close to same fantasy value as Lindor.
Justin Steele – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.20. You’re gonna get to September, Steele’s gonna have a 3.10-ish ERA and think, “Why did I ever fade him this year,” then next year, you will fade him again.
Nico Hoerner – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer, 2nd homer in four games. I’m getting Hoerny! Oh behave!
Carson Spiers – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.13. His BB/9 is 1.7. As long as it’s under 2, there’s a place for him in most mixed leagues. Do I think it stays that good? I don’t, but you can ride it while it is. Streamonator says his next matchup is the Tigers too, a team I’d throw just about everyone against.
Lance Lynn – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.59. I don’t care his ERA says it’s 3.59. If I tried to stream him, he’d give up 5 ER in 4 IP. It’s a guarantee.
Derek Hill – and his 2nd and 3rd homer, and 2nd and 3rd homer in two games. He sounds like Stereotypical 1980s Player, doesn’t he? Where was he when the wall came down? It’s not too far off the truth. His Razzball mentions date back years, and he started in the minors in 2014. He has (maybe it’s had by now) 50-steal speed, but he seems likely to hit .220 or lower and is likely Quad-A. With all that said, he’s clearly hot right now and should be grabbed just in case he’s figured something out.
Wyatt Langford – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer as he hit for the cycle. Speaking of the 80’s, the last Rangers player to hit for the cycle was Oddibe McDowell in 1985. What a 1980s name that is, right? Oddibe, man, they don’t make names like that. So, Wyatt could have a top 50 overall 2nd half. From my mouth to Giancarlo’s ears.
Andrew Heaney – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.04. My tailpipe’s not big enough for his banana. Nah’mean?
Tyler Glasnow – 3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.23. What if I told you instead of 150-ish starters in the major leagues, there were only three? One starter you think is going to have a 4.25+ ERA who has a 3.00 ERA or lower, one starter who you think will have a 3.00 ERA or lower who has a 4.25+ ERA and one starter who you think will have a 3.00 to 3.50 ERA that will have a 3.00 to 3.50 ERA.
James Paxton – 4 IP, 9 ER, ERA at 4.28. Giants are on a scorcher, appizzarently. Their hitting at least. Their rotation has three arms. Not to get all Greta Thunberg here, but that doesn’t seem sustainable.
Matt Chapman – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. Think he’s likely rostered in most leagues, but he’s clearly schmotato’ing.
Joe Ryan – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.21. M’s hitting is so incredibly bad anything less than a 6 IP, 0 ER, 30 Ks is a disappointment, but Ryan is still holding it together as we head into July.
Luis Castillo – 5 IP, 3 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.87. He also got to hit, because Mitch Garver left after taking a HBP and Servais doesn’t know how to sub out players. Well, Castillo didn’t hit hit, he struck out on three pitches. It’s so funny in retrospect people wanted pitchers to hit.
Brandon Pfaadt – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.28. This start was vs. the A’ss. You’re a braver man than me if you’re starting him next time in San Diego with reckless, uh, Brandon.
Zack Gelof – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer, hitting .203. The A’s bottom five in their lineup are hitting .203 or lower. Their 9-hole hitter is hitting .103. The Mariners’ team average is worse than the A’ss.
Kevin Gausman – 4 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.75. “Is that Kevin Gausman?” That’s someone pointing to a piece of toast.
Gerrit Cole – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 6.23. Sell! If you think I’m joking, look at the last nine-hundred pitchers who tried to rest their arm injury instead of having surgery.
Aaron Judge – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 31st homer. Kinda wild that we thought he was cooked in April.
Paul Skenes – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.06. Some people were asking if they should bench Skenes, and, hey, no question shaming, but if you’re benching Skenes, you’ve never seen him pitch. So, next time he’s on the mound, take 90 minutes and watch him.
Oneil Cruz – 2-for-3 2 RBIs and his 12th homer. For 4th of July, everyone should get a wish for Uncle Sam’s birthday. I know mine: Oneil Cruz hits 20 homers and steals 10 bags in the 2nd half.
Rowdy Tellez – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, 2nd homer in four games. He was a bit of a hot schmotato last week, but the worry is at any point he will eat that schmotato and bye-bye.
Bailey Falter – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners (4 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 3.87. If one of my pitchers gave up four walks in five innings to the Braves in Atlanta, they would’ve gave up seven earned runs too.
Spencer Schwellenbach – 5 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.68. Braves’ Magic of Teheran, from pixie dust off a Persian carpet, was sprinkled on Reynaldo. None left for Schwellenbach.
Ranger Suarez – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 2.27. Regression vs. the Marlins? I can’t even get mad. It’s just hilarious. Any other Suarez could’ve pitched better. Even Eugenio.
Alec Bohm – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. A Bohm bomb!
Bryan De La Cruz – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 15th homer. BDLC’s gonna hit 30 homers this year, and still be at 45% rostered.
Framber Valdez – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.11. Why is Grimace putting laxatives on top of those burgers? Oh God, why is he eating them now? Oh my God, why is he dropping trou on top of Framber’s head? Oh God! No!
Jon Singleton – 3-for-4 and his 6th homer. That was his first homer in June. Prior to yesterday, he had two runs and three RBIs in the month. Sorry, just trying to figure out why Loperfido was benched two games in a row.
Brandon Nimmo – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer. Had a top 15-ish month of June. 30-day Player Rater has Freeman, Elly, Riley, Ceej Abrams, (Insert Name), Burleson and Nimmo from 15 thru 21 as of this writing. (Insert Name) threw me for a loop, because I see people asking about dropping him. If I gave you (Insert Name’s) team (Cubs), I don’t think you’d guess him. If I gave you his surname (Happ), you’d guess him. I hope.
Andrew Vaughn – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer. If you’re curious, hope you’re not a cat, but I checked on Vaughn vs. the guys above in the Nimmo blurb, and he’s a little below them, but he also had a great month of June.
Nolan Jones – 0-for-6, 5 Ks, hitting .184. Though, he hit a sharp liner to center in the non-strikeout at-bat, so things are looking up. [dodges tomato] He homered on Saturday. [an avalanche of tomatoes like it’s the Throwing Of The Tomatoes in Spain] Ow!
Tyler Anderson – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.03. Inches from my TV, screaming, “Take that regression, you sucka!” I mean, what a shame.
Zach Neto – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer. Last day of June and last day of the 1st half gives us so much to look at for a guy going forward. Neto? Looks like a 22/14/.240 hitter. That’s not awful, but it’s also not wonderful. It is very “it is what it is.”
Casey Mize – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.23. Ah, yes, that was why I started him for his two-start week. Thanks for the reminder. Streamonator hate shis next, and I agree.
Justyn-Henry Malloy – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, which was an inside-the-parker. One of the most exciting plays in baseball is the inside-the-park home run, it also is the least significant for a hitter going forward. It usually means he hit a double that took a weird bounce.
Reese Olson – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.32. Still waiting for Reese’s time to fall to pieces.
Tanner Houck – 4 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 2.67. When the Regression Fairies come, they’re Houck tuah’ing all over your ratios.
Jarren Duran – 1-for-3 and his 9th homer, and 2nd homer in last two games. Thinking about an alien landing on earth, seeing Duran Duran and calling them The Durans.
Rafael Devers – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer. Rafael delivers!
Matt Waldron – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.56. Was due for a lackluster start, after having Quality Starts dating back two thousand-plus years. That was what the Gospel of Matthew was about. Sorry, bit of a church nerd — a cherd.
