I said something earlier this year about how the only pitchers who would throw a no-hitter still had to keep their pitch counts low. Well, sorta, yeah! I mean, I wasn’t totally doing Ding Dong Theater with myself in the backseat of a Ford Siesta, screaming HONK at an empty driver’s seat. I wasn’t standing in line at the supermarket asking where the watermelons are because I had a dream I was Gallagher. I’m not dumb, okay? Good, glad we cleared that up. Framber Valdez (8 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 1 hit, 3 walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.46) almost did what his teammate and future HOFer did. When asked, Ronel Blanco said, “I’m a future what?” So he admits he’s not as good as his ratios! Well, Framber is, actually, he’s slightly better. He has iffy Ks — 8.2 K/9 — but solid command and incredible ground balls. Just gorge balls on the ground. Okay, sounding weird now. He holds batters to nothing and makes his defense work. Like last night! He was within one out of a no-hitter when he allowed Corey Seager (1-for-4, 2 RBIs) his 24th homer, and 5th in five games. Now, where’s my watermelons?! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Kyle Tucker – Doing limited baseball activity. While on a John Mayer cruise with Triston Casas.
Zach Dezenzo – 0-for-4 as he was called up by the Astros. Here’s what Itch said, “A powerful right-handed hitter at 6’4” 220 lbs, Dezenzo moves well on the dirt for an infielder his size. He was a four-year starter at Ohio State who slugged .701 as a senior after slugging .732 with wooden bats in the MLB Draft League. This is a theme for Houston, who likes to see a little success sans aluminum and has reaped some middle-round rewards in the process. Dezenzo was a 12th round pick in 2022 and is already knocking at the majors after slashing .305/.383/.531 with 18 home runs and 22 steals in 94 games across two levels in 2023. Speaking of slashing, let me find Grey in a dark alley, please.” What? One thing that may or may not be accurate but feels accurate: Astros draft well and develop better. Zach Dezenzo was hitting .391 in Triple-A (only 11 games) and went 4/3 with a 18.9% K%. He’s a 3rd baseman, so I guess he could go to 1B at least half the time, if not just finally kill the Singleton Experiment, or DH like he did last night.
Yordan Alvarez – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer. I can’t believe Captain Woo Cubano doesn’t even have as many homers as Corey Seager. I’m a sad clown.
Tyler Mahle – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks as he was activated from the IL. Here’s what I said the other day, “What can we expect from Mahle? Oh, well, if it’s anything like his last season, it’ll be freakin’ gorge. If it’s anything like any of his previous six seasons, it’ll be awful. I have very little hope, but am willing to be proven wrong. My guess is, as he returns from Tommy John surgery, a bit less than what we’re seeing from Robbie Ray, and I’m not just saying he’ll wear looser pants.” And that’s me quoting me!
Victor Scott II – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. The commitment to going with II instead of Jr. is royalty-coded. Or you’re a sequel, but there’s no colon after your name like Victor Scott II: The Return, so I don’t know. Or Victor Scott II: The Awakening. Or Victor Scott II: Back To The Beach. Maybe not so much the last one. So, Scott’s back, and better than the first time? He hit .219 in Triple-A with a 14.3% K%. That tells me he hits everything roughly 34 MPH or slower. Scott’s fast, but his hits ain’t. Damn, that’s a solid tag line. Victor Scott II: Speed Thrills. “Scott’s fast, but his hits ain’t.” Call him The Fast and the Curious.
Tommy Pham – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. It’s fair to say he’s been rejuvenated going back to St. Louis. It’s like when you stop playing fantasy for a few years then decide to rejoin your home league. Where you smacked the commissioner.
Sonny Gray – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.65. All that, and handsome! [turns to mirror] That’s Grey on Gray.
Jeffrey Springs – 5 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 6.23. Instead of August, we should call it “Return From Tommy John Month.” Gonna be like this every year we’re on this green earth doing this too. Unless you’re like Gerrit Cole or Max Fried and tried to pitch through it. They’ll be returning March of 2026. I’m guessing, I mean!
Brandon Lowe – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer. Had a huge July (6 HRs, .325), and wants to carry it into Return From Tommy John Month.
Luis Rengifo – Out for the year with season-ending wrist surgery. Never thought I’d be so sad to see Rengifo leave us. Too soon, my beautiful SAGNOF boy–nay, man! I will miss you!
Joe Musgrove – Highly likely to start this weekend vs. the Marlins. And every subsequent start vs. the Marlins! No? Oh well.
Colin Rea – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.38. Ugh, dropped him in one league to pick up Faucher, who I don’t really need. Unforced errors, man! I can’t stop making them! Streamonator likes his next one too. [hangs head in shame]
Willy Adames – 4-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 18th and 19th homer. A double dong night for Willy, which I put into Google for some interesting results.
William Contreras – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs, hitting .283. He’s the 2nd best catcher on the Player Rater. Very close to being the best catcher. You know who is not the best catcher? Adley Rutschman, as he’s hitting .160-ish in the last month. Know what’s suddenly stopped? People commenting that I don’t show Adley enough love. Just evaporated. Weird, right?
Bryce Elder – 3 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 6.52. This got the Brewers cited for Elder abuse.
Royce Lewis – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer. He’s only played in 35 games!
Pablo Lopez – 5 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.74. He’s going to be the best pitcher anyone has ever seen next year. Like Bob Gibson and Pedro mixed. Everyone is out on him from this year, and Bobro Gibtinez is completely lights out.
Isaac Paredes – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 17th homer. A full week on the Cubs and his 1st homer? Oh forget it! Everyone’s moved on already! In single file. A Paredes parade of moving on.
Shota Imanaga – 7 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.06. Next year, he’s going to be drafted like he’s not an ace. Like he didn’t just have this season. And people will say in draft season, “You didn’t draft an ace,” when you draft Shota. They will be gaslighting you.
Grayson Rodriguez – Scratched due to lat teres discomfort. Had an apartment once with a teres, never went out there. What a waste.
Jackson Holliday – 1-for-2 and his 3rd homer. So, like, Mayo needs to be sent down and recalled in ten weeks? I don’t really have that kind of time.
Albert Suarez – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.66 as he had an emergency start with Grayson out. Keep an eye on the Streamonator in case Suarez gets another he might be worthwhile for a one off.
Chris Bassitt – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3,95. No exaggeration, this was his first great start of the year.
Seth Lugo – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 2.72. Suck on that regression! Suck it! Sorry, I like him, but I’m struggling with actual aces, we can’t have Seth Lugo putting up a sub-2.50 ERA season.
Brayan Bello – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 5.16. He stinks so bad he doesn’t deserve to have a chance for a win.
Masataka Yoshida – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .279. I knew he was hot, but wasn’t sure how hot so I looked at his last week and month’s stats and began to feel very drowsy. He’s not hot. He’s hot for him.
Parker Meadows – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Oh, nice, and he’s only hitting .161!
Tyler Holton – 1/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.70, and his 4th save. This means less that the Tigers have a new closer than they have no closer.
Clayton Kershaw – 4 2/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 4.38. Imagine Kershaw were to be frozen in carbon like Han Solo in Empire. Then he will really be a shell of his former self. Much like right now!
Teoscar Hernandez – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 25th homer, 2nd homer in two games, third homer in five games. Was such an obvious draft pick that we all Mr. Bungled. Unless you have him, I guess.
Cristopher Sanchez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.27. Difficult matchup and he was like en bee dee. Impressive, tee be aitch. Will stop spelling en oh dubs.
Kyle Schwarber – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and a slam (24) and legs (5). Also, in this game, Edmundo Sosa (2-for-4, 3 RBIs) went slam (6) and legs (6). Aw, Schwarber/Sosa, like we’re a Cubs fan who’s been hit on the head.
Ty France – 1-for-5 and his 10th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Hot schmotato–Excuse moi, caud schmopomme.
Elly De La Cruz – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 58th steal, hitting .268. I’m as guilty as anyone, but I think we need to stop worrying so much about hitters’ Ks. Yes, a 30% K% is high, but if he’s hitting scorchers with elite speed, it doesn’t matter.
Tyler Stephenson – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer, now three homers in four games. Think I mentioned this before, but I’m reminded of this March, when talking to a Reds reporter, they said, after I drafted him, Tyler Stephenson wasn’t going to hit for power. Not saying I know better, but more that no one knows anything.
Nick Lodolo – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.93. Usually when he has a great matchup, he goes sideways, so here’s for going, uh, straight.
Max Meyer – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.10. Good to see him promoted to the majors. Shame to waste that in the minors.
Michael Conforto – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer, 2nd homer in four games. How about a Fitzy-type scalding-hot sizzler for Conforto and your boi Grey who has him in one league for next-to-no reason.
Heliot Ramos – 2-for-4 and a slam (16) and legs (3). Sonavabench! Your finger was jammed! You hinted it might need an IL stint! Gee dee eff it. I swear, sometimes I feel like I’m better off if I pay less attention.
Hayden Birdsong – 2 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.73, as he was recalled. Shame it wasn’t a recalling like, “Teslas are self-destructing when you put them near anything woke.”
James Wood – 2-for-3, 4 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (3) and double legs (4, 5). [shimmies shoulders, coyly] Wood, you say.
CJ Abrams – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 17th homer, hitting .252. He’s got that skinny man jacked power. CJ Abrams, you are a Strong Bean.
Keibert Ruiz – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 9th homer, hitting .228. I have Ruiz in one league, and I would’ve guessed his homers were closer to four on the year. Happy surprises, I suppose.
Zack Gelof – 2-for-4 and his 14th homer, hitting .192. Someone asked yesterday if Gelof was on pace for the worst 20/20 season, and I said yes, yes he is.
Mason Miller – Will return on Wednesday. Sad that there will be fewer high-profile T. Ferguson sightings in the box score.
Jonathan Cannon – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.91. The White Sox win! The streak ends! But much like when you get your oldest pair of underwear clean and say the same thing, it kinda rings hollow when you’re still on pace to set the record for most losses in a season.
