Is it me or do you hear a 3-something ERA and you’re like, “Damn, he’s struggling!” The way pitching is now, if you’re not rocking a 2.50 ERA or lower, I want to know why and which mafia gangster is paying you to throw games for DraftKings? Ya know, we’re less than a year away from a huge suspension happening. It’s going to rock the sport and people are going to be like, “Wow, what a shame. He had such a promising future and he threw it all away for a $5 parlay that Robbie Ray pants would rip in the ass during his first start back.” And that’s me reading the tea leaves to you! So, yesterday, Colin Rea threw another gem — 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, but his ERA is at 3.31, so which mafia figure are you working for?! Joey Lucchesi of the Cannoli Crime Family? Rea was the top streamer-off-waivers this week for shallower weekly leagues, right? He was in my leagues. Streamonator even likes his next start better. May you giddy up into the sunset for his next start with your favorite Oakleys, assuming Lucchesi doesn’t break any of your legs first. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jackson Chourio – 1-for-2 and his 7th homer. If he had off on Monday and played Tuesday through Sunday, I would’ve benched him, so my hats off to the schedule makers. You did well for the first time since that swingers couple, who lived in a log cabin in Maine, stopped doing the MLB schedule.
Willy Adames – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and a slam (10) and legs (9). Any guesses where Adames is ranked on the Player Rater for shortstops? Top 5, 7 or 9? Before or after CJ Abrams? Before or after Brice Turang? Damn, oh-for-3!
Alejandro Kirk – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer. If you had Kirk as your 2nd catcher in your two-catcher fantasy league, congrats on the big night! That moves you within 63 points of first!
Jose Berrios – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.93. This matchup (at Uecker’s) scared the shizz out of me. That he came within an out of a Quality Start gleams my pants grapes for starting him.
Gunnar Henderson – 3-for-5, 3 runs and his 21st homer. Aaron Judge who?! He’s a Yankees outfielder who currently leads the majors in homers and he hit 14 homers since May 15th, and the next closest had nine. It’s a figure of speech, Random Italicized Voice. “Aaron Judge who” is a figure of speech?
James McCann – 2-for-3, 2 runs and a slam (2) and legs (1). Okay, whoever called him McCan’t needs to stop right now. It’s not very nice, and wrong.
Corbin Burnes – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.08. He gave up a home run to Alex Jackson, but it was after an error so it didn’t count. Okay, monthly diatribe time: If a pitcher gives up a home run, that should be earned, whether it’s after a two-out error or not. He still gave up the homer, doesn’t matter if he was supposed to be out of the inning or not. If a guy is, say, on third, and a fielder boots a ball and that run scores, sure, that’s unearned. But getting a free pass to pitch as poor as possible when an error happens with two outs? C’mon, that’s just silly.
Ryan Pepiot – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.17. Streamonator doesn’t like his next start (it’s vs. the Braves), and I can kinda go either way with it. Classic bit of non-advice there!
Tyler Soderstrom – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer. Fun fact! I used to love my Soderstrom but my doctor said the bubbles weren’t good for my GERD.
Fernando Tatis Jr. – 1-for-5 and his 13th homer, 2nd homer in two games, and third homer in four games. Fun The Jewels! Fun The Jewels fast!
Dylan Cease – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.36 vs. Joey Estes – 5 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.78. Padres vs. A’s is the 248th biggest rivalry in California. The bottom of the top 250: 248. Padres vs. A’s 249. CVS customers vs. the glass cases at CVS where the deodorant is kept. 250. Pimples vs. Dr. Pimple Popper.
Jake Cronenworth – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 10th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. Padres have had a lot of solid fantasy contributors but none have been bigger than Machado if bigger meant the opposite of what it means. (Me talk in riddles.)
Kyle Tucker – Off his crutches already, which sucks because I wrote this super sweet message on his crutches in silver highlighter and now they’re being put into storage. Alas, he might return when eligible on Friday.
Spencer Arrighetti – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.33 vs. Kyle Harrison – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.96. Ugh, both of these guys deserved the wins, but who deserves something? Are you Descartes? How do you know what a man deserves? By the way, watch Ren Faire on Max. It’s so freakin’ good. Big time Astros fans on that show, and he cries.
Luis Robert Jr. – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .192. Don’t freak about that average. He only has 13 games played. That, sadly, isn’t a joke.
Corey Julks – 1-for-5 and his 3rd homer. He’s really found a home at the top of the White Sox lineup, amongst their myriad of options. [scanning their lineup for an option, ten minutes later] Okay.
Erick Fedde – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.10. Fedde has been one of the few bright spots on the White Sux, which is why he’ll be playing for a different team by August 1st.
Logan Gilbert – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.19. LoGi don’t play, gee! (That rhymes. No, it doesn’t make sense too. Who are you, The Make Sense Police?)
Cal Raleigh – 1-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 12th homer. “I told ya where it’s at.” That’s Sir Mix-A-Lot watching Raleigh.
Seth Lugo – 7 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.36. No, I am not wishing regression on anyone I don’t roster. That’s not nice to say–Gah! Okay, I am! But Lugo really should be regressing a bit, it’s not just me jotting down notes from Angel Heart as I learn how to do voodoo cursing on him.
Hunter Renfroe – Out with a fractured big toe. Bet he wishes it wasn’t quite as big.
Carlos Rodon – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.93. What mafioso is he working for?!
Elias Diaz – Left yesterday’s game with tightness in his calf. A tight calf says, “Boo.”
Chris Paddack – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.79. It’s crazy to think he was at one time considered a hot prospect that got the loins acting like lions and roaring, because he looks like shizz. Though, yesterday’s start was loved by the Streamonator for a reason.
Royce Lewis – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. He’s now on pace for 42 games and 41 homers. “Are you ready for the Can’t Stay Healthy 50-Yard Dash?” Royce Lewis, Luis Robert Jr. and Tyler O’Neill are setting up along a track. “Beautiful day out here in Daytona. Last night I saw a girl, who I believe was at least 19 who made me feel 40 again. She was at The Mechanical Bull Bar, oddly named since it’s been inoperable since 2019. Anyway, Royce Lewis, Luis Robert Jr. and Tyler O’Neill are out on the track and they’ve all picked their teammate to push them in their full body casts. Not sure I agree with Lewis picking Buxton to push him, that’s a double hammy pull waiting to happen. Okay, on your mark, get set…Go! Oh, man, all three of them are waving white flags, screaming, ‘It’s my quad!’ You do hate to see it.”
